"A Rodent Can Smell a Man from Ten Kilometers Away" - Rat Man (1988)

Today we shall return to Mexico via Italy and discuss 1988's Rat Man, directed by Giuliano Carnimeo, co-written by horror specialist Dardano Sacchetti, and co-starring one of Italian horror's favorite couples, David Warbeck and Janet Agren. Rat Man is one of the finest late-80s combination of slasher film and creature feature.

Some of your universe's critics disagree, incorrectly of course. For example, reviewer durtalique writes, "Worth watching if you don't appreciate your time, or are drunk enough to laugh at poor filmmaking." Reviewer Stevieboy666 writes, "Expect awful dubbing, ridiculous scenarios, bad acting and a really stupid plot." And reviewer paul_haakonsen writes, "While I managed to sit through the movie in its entire bland 88 minute runtime, I can't claim to be particularly impressed or entertained."

It goes without saying (but saying it I must) that these critics are completely wrong. Read on for the correct opinion about Giuliano Carnimeo's Rat Man...

“Eternal Surveillance Is the Price of Liberty. That’s Why I’m Willing to Go All the Way with You.” - The Brain Machine (1972)

We have covered two excellent thrillers directed by Joy N. Houck, Jr. here at Senseless Cinema: Night of Bloody Horror (1969) and The Night of the Strangler (1972). Now we will consider Mr. Houck's foray into science fiction, 1972's The Brain Machine, a clever and thoughtful exploration of the differences between science and faith.

Shockingly, some of your universe's critics are uncharitable about the clearly evident qualities of The Brain Machine. For example, reviewer mark.waltz writes calls the film a "convoluted and pretentious movie that takes dreariness to a new level of sanctimonious boredom." Reviewer jh122 writes, "The story is very dull. I wouldn't watch it unless you wanted a laugh." And reviewer Chase_Witherspoon writes, "The acting is abysmal, the frequent cut-aways of the pool by the mansion and tall grey building are so over-used they become distracting, and the dialogue is laughable."

Please read on for a more accurate appreciation of the aptly titled The Brain Machine...

"Instead of Having to Take the Subway Every Day" - Maya (1989)

You might recall that we recently sang the praises of Marcello Avallone's Specters (1987). Now we will honor Mr. Avallone's next film Maya (1989), an exotic look at the dangers of small villages that hold ceremonies for the dead in the territory of the ancient Mayans.

Of course, some of your universe's esteemed critics misunderstand Maya. For example, reviewer paul_haakonsen writes, "Don't waste your time, money or effort on 'Maya'. It just simply isn't worth it." Reviewer bombersflyup writes, "It's incoherent drivel." And reviewer BandSAboutMovies writes, "this movie is an incoherent mess."

It goes without saying these reviewers are incorrect, and Maya might be of even higher quality than Specters. Please read on for an accurate appreciation of the film...

"The Computer Doesn't Know Everything, and Neither Do You" - Specters (1987)

It is time to return to Italy for the 1987 supernatural horror film starring (in a sense) Donald Pleasence. In the tradition of Lamberto Bava's Demons (1985), though showcasing only one monster, Specters is a frightening tale of pure evil invading the real world.

Of course, some of your universe's critics fail to understand Specters. For example, reviewer Whovian says "this film makes absolutely no sense whatsoever." Reviewer The_Void writes, "The plot is a complete mess and I found it very easy to get bored." And reviewer Coventry writes, "it's a silly and lackluster film."

Read on for a more realistic appreciation of director Marcello Avallone's Specters...

“An Exchange of Body Fluids with the Mummy” - Face of the Screaming Werewolf (1964)

Let us return to the 1960s for a "monster rally" that incorporates mummies, werewolves, hypnosis, past lives regression, science, and Lon Chaney Jr. The film is Jerry Warren's Face of the Screaming Werewolf (1964), based (seamlessly) on the Mexican film The Aztec Mummy (1957) with additional footage shot in the U.S. 

Shockingly, some of your universe's critics were harsh to this film. For example, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "In addition to the terrible editing, nonsensical story and poor acting, Face Of The Screaming Werewolf also suffers from plenty of padding, most notably the native ritual at the beginning of the film that seems to go on forever." Reviewer planktonrules writes, "The film is just as awful as you'd expect given the circumstances under which it was made! And, as a result it's rather random and incomprehensible at times." And reviewer captnemo dismisses the film as "A real mess."

Evil Laugh (1986)

Slasher films of the 1980s are an almost inexhaustible supply of high-quality cinema, and the Steven Baio vehicle Evil Laugh (1986) is no exception. As a late-period slasher with copious cruelty and humor, one cannot go wrong with Evil Laugh.

Of course, some of your universe's critics are completely wrong about Evil Laugh. For example, reviewer loomis78-815-989034 writes (employing a well-known metaphor that at this point must be a cliche), "With horrible acting, a bad soundtrack and Chachi's brother on hand this horrid script unfolds like a belt from a bad onion." Reviewer petraliamarco writes, "There's zero tension and 90% of the movie is an absurd plot by one of the characters to sleep with another, while the others are getting killed, maybe?" And reviewer The_Void writes, "Overall, you would do well not to bother with Evil Laugh."

Read on for the truth about Evil Laugh...

“So That Explains It Then” - Shadow Tracker: Vampire Hunter (1999)

This week, we will discuss the low-budget epic Shadow Tracker: Vampire Hunter (1999), an ambitious straight-to-video labor of love shot in upstate New York directed by Joe Bagnardi and written by Bagnardi and horror film expert Bruce G. Hallenbeck.

I found only a handful of reviews (if the hand in question has only two fingers) in your universe for this classic. Reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "Certainly it's nothing that could be considered a good film." And reviewer Taliesin writes, "The film looks blooming awful, to be honest, and the acting isn’t really much better." 

Read on for the truth about Shadow Tracker: Vampire Hunter...

The Devil's Mistress (1965)

Let us now return to the 1960s to appreciate the forgotten supernatural Western The Devil's Mistress (1965), in which a band of cowboys encounter an unusual couple in the middle of the desert. Written and directed by the wonderfully named Orville Wanzer, whose only film credit this is, The Devil's Mistress is a bleak and creepy account of a really bad journey over the mountains.

As usual, some of your universe's critics are harsh when reviewing The Devil's Mistress. For example, CinemaSerf writes, "though only an hour or so long, it seems longer and really does quickly fall into the realms of films best avoided. This is poor, sorry." Reviewer I_Ailurophile writes, "The concept is solid enough; the cinematic expression of that concept basically amounts to the bare minimum, and it's hard to muster enthusiasm for what little plot we get." And reviewer jennycallahan writes, "the camera work is the worst. It feels like a random person off the street was hired for Cinematography."

Read on for the truth about The Devil's Mistress...

“Burying Cattails and Monkey Nuts” - Mirror of Death (1988)

Also known by the highly original title Dead of Night, Mirror of Death (1988) is a supernatural slasher film set in glamorous Los Angeles. Its plot is also highly original, as it revolves around a mirror that is either possessed or haunted by a spirit (or possibly a demon). In fact, the film is reminiscent of such high-quality cinema as Demon Seed/Demon Rage in its blending of supernatural evil and beautiful people.

Of course, some of your universe's critics dismiss Mirror of Death. For example, reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "this is a very low quality piece of film-making that looks pretty grotty if I'm honest." Reviewer BA_Harrison calls the film "instantly forgettable straight-to-video nonsense of the lowest order, a lifeless low-budget clunker with very few redeeming qualities." And reviewer lor_ summarizes the film eloquently (but incorrectly): "Cliched dialog reduces supernatural goings-on to mere doggerel."

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Mirror of Death...

"Throw Out the Logic Pill When You Swallow It" - The Crawling Hand (1963)

As everybody knows, the 1960s were a fertile period full of creative science fiction, horror, and the melding of both. The Crawling Hand (1963) is an excellent example of both. It features not only murders by a crawling hand (actually a crawling arm), but attempted murders by a teenager possessed by said crawling hand/arm, and a performance by the always-welcome Alan Hale, Jr.

Of course, some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate The Crawling Hand. For example, reviewer lee_eisenberg writes about Alan Hale, "Before he got the role of a certain short-tempered sea captain with a dim-witted first mate, he was stuck in grade-Z movies. An example is the idiotic stinker 'The Crawling Hand'." Reviewer wierzbowskie writes, "Don't go near this at all!" And reviewer bkoganbing writes, "It's not even funny bad, just bad."

Read on for the truth about The Crawling Hand...

“What This Will Be, I Do Not Know, If Anything” - The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals (1969)

Now let us take up the lost classic The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals (1969), a bold new vision of the Universal "monster rally" films of the 1940s that even features a small role for John Carradine and has the bonus attraction of being set in and near Las Vegas.

Shockingly, some of your universe's critics are uninspired by the cinematic jewel that is The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackal. For example, reviewer InjunNose writes, ""The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals" easily outdistances any Ed Wood or Herschell Gordon Lewis film in the bad movie stakes." Reviewer BaronBl00d writes, "the direction, writing, lighting, acting, special effects, make-up, etc.... are without a doubt truly incompetent." And reviewer Michael_Elliott sums up the film as "cheap, low-budget junk."

Of course, you should not rely on the opinions of these so-called reviewers. Please read on for the truth about The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals...