Monday, June 20, 2022

"Poached Salmon...And Me!" - Mausoleum (1983) - Film #233

Let us turn to 1983's Mausoleum, written by Robert Barich and directed by Michael Dugan, two filmmakers who inexplicably never made another horror film. Among its other delights, Mausoleum stars a wonderful trio of acting pros: Bobbie Bresee, Marjoe Gortner, and La Wanda Page.

Some of your universe's critics belong in a mausoleum, I must say, because they fail to appreciate this film. For example, reviewer Zorin-2 writes, "The film turned out to be a total waste of time. The story was all right, but the film was made poorly, with poor performances and sets." Reviewer Huntress-2 (perhaps a sibling of Zorin-2) writes, "The "demon" make-up was the worst I've ever seen and the acting was just pathetic. This movie should pride itself on being one of the worst films out there." And reviewer dbborroughs writes, "One of the truly awful horror films ever made."

Don't believe these critics. Read on for the truth about Mausoleum...

Monday, June 6, 2022

“Everything Has to End Sometime…Or Another” - Legacy of Blood (1978) - Film #231

We return to the wonderful world of Andy Milligan with Legacy of Blood (1978), a remake of one of his early hits, The Ghastly Ones (1968).

The depth of your universe's critics' understandings of Andy Milligan's films will never fail to surprise me. For example, reviewer kdreynoldsno1 writes dismissively, "The script totally stinks." Reviewer jacobjohntaylor1 writes more dismissively, "This horror movie is just awful. It is not scary. It has an awful acting. It also has an awful story line. It just awful. It has an awful ending." And reviewer Coffee_in_the_Clink writes, "It drags along at a tedious pace and there is no semblance of talent anywhere to be seen."

Read on for the truth about Legacy of Blood...

Monday, May 23, 2022

"Murderers Who Killed and Plundered" - Devil Story (1986) - Film #230

If the only contribution the French ever made to world cinema was Nightmare Weekend (1986), their reputation would be sealed as filmmakers of the highest order. But there are more French films worthy of discussion here on Senseless Cinema, and one of the finest is the minimalist monster rally Devil Story, also from 1986.

Reviewer fredericmignard writes insultingly, "It's not very far from Jean Rollin, it is much worse actually (and that was hard to be!)" Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "Devil Story suffers from poor direction, choppy editing, amateurish make-up effects and lousy acting, but the worst thing about it is the soundtrack, with all sound effects at maximum volume and repeated incessantly." And reviewer trashgang writes, "Some parts are too long, some parts are gory, some parts are childish."

Read on for the truth about the French masterpiece Devil Story...

Monday, May 9, 2022

“As You Know, I’ve Just Become 21” - The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972) - Film #229

We continue to dig through the filmography of Mr. Andy Milligan and find gem after sparkling gem. Today's film, originally titled The Curse of the Full Moon but retitled after some footage inspired by the success of Willard (1971) was added, is The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972)

The dismay your universe's critics display when reviewing Andy Milligan films is almost psychotically unbelievable. For example, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "I can't find anything good to say about it. Not one thing." Reviewer The_Void writes, "Overall, I wouldn't be callous enough to recommend this dross to even my worst enemy and you should take that as a reason not to bother seeing it." And reviewer planktonrules writes, "The film reaches levels of amateurism that are hard to believe and you just have to see it to believe it."

Please, for goodness sake, read on for the truth about Andy Milligan's The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!...

Monday, April 25, 2022

“I Wish We Could All Pick the Way We Die” - Deep Blood (1990) - Film #228

It would be hard, of course, for filmmakers to exceed the quality of Bruno Mattei's later-period shark masterpiece Cruel Jaws (1995), but one precursor, Rafael Donato and Joe D'Amato's Deep Blood (1990), should be considered in the running for the prize.

Some of your universe's famous critics would disagree, sadly. For example, reviewer dogcow writes hyperbolically, "This is the worst italian movie ever, quite possibly the worst movie of all time!" Reviewer  the_wolf_imdb writes longwindedly, "This movie is crappy beyond any limits. It's incredible - a very bad ripoff from Jaws and other (better) shark movies. A really bad one - everything is really pathetic." And reviewer teebear817 writes, "A convaluted storyline that was brutal to watch. It dragged on and on and on."

Read on for the truth about Deep Blood...

Monday, April 11, 2022

"You Hated the Plastics and I Didn't" - The Aftermath (1982) - Film #227

There are many underappreciated film genres, and one of the most underappreciated is the middle-aged action here genre, which of course includes Low Blow (1986), reviewed here recently. Another classic of this genre, perhaps equal to Low Blow in excitement, and certainly surpassing it in terms of ambition, is actor/writer/director Steve Barkett's post-apocalyptic thriller The Aftermath (1982).

Of course, some of the revered critics of your universe misunderstand The Aftermath. Reviewer mhorg2018 writes, "It's a terrible little movie full of bad acting and has a contrived plot." Reviewer lordzedd-1 writes, "Saying this thing sucks is an understatement." And reviewer Terry-23 writes, "If you pick this up to watch a serious movie about life after a nuclear war, you'll give up on this in about 5 minutes." Of course, Terry-23 is entirely incorrect, as The Aftermath is the most realistic and educational post-apocalyptic film ever made. Please continue to read the truth...

Monday, March 28, 2022

“They’re Very Nice Persons, Carol” - Black Candles (1982) aka Hot Fantasies - Film #226

Let us continue our investigation of the career of Spanish director José Ramón Larraz, following our in-depth appreciations of Rest in Pieces (1987), Edge of the Axe (1988), and Deadly Manor (1990), not to mention earlier works like Whirlpool (1970), Symptoms (1974), and Vampyres (1974). We will now look at Black Candles (1982), also known as Los Ritos Sexuales del Diablo and Hot Fantasies.

Of course, some of your universe's critics are insufficiently impressed by Mr. Larraz's films. For example, reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "there is absolutely nothing to redeem it. It's not scary, it's not sexy and it's definitely not worth bothering with." Reviewer Squonkamatic writes, "the ultimate conclusion of the film is silly, pretentious, intelligence insulting, and probably perfect for such an otherwise forgettable exercise in applied sleaze." And reviewer Zbigniew_Krycsiwiki writes, "the film is very slow going, and for the most part the acting ranges from bland to awful."

Read on for the truth about José Ramón Larraz's erotic thriller Black Candles...

Monday, March 14, 2022

"You Smell of Chemicals and Death" - Kiss of the Tarantula (1975) - Film #225

It is, of course, a truism that the finest films in history are always regional horror thrillers, and 1975's Kiss of the Tarantula is no exception to that proud lineage. Filmed in Columbus, Georgia, it must be admitted that the movie contains more tarantulas than kisses, but aside from that imbalance, the film is nearly perfect.

Of course, some of your universe's critics are misguided in their failure to appreciate this film. Reviewer jacobjohntaylor1, in a review titled "One of the worse horror movies of all time," writes, "This is awful. It has an awful story line. The acting it [sic] awful. It is not scary." Reviewer TokyoGyaru writes, "the movie is just tedium and people hilariously spazzing out and killing themselves over spiders that pose them no real harm." And reviewer Skutter-2 writes, "the movie is lacking in gore, suspense or anything juicy or exciting."
Such libel cannot go unaddressed, so please read on for the truth about Kiss of the Tarantula...

Monday, February 28, 2022

“I Hear Tell They’re Cannibals” - Bloodthirsty Butchers (1970) - Film #224

Let us continue our explanation of Andy Milligan's masterworks with a discussion of Bloodthirsty Butchers (1970). Like The Man with Two Heads (1972), Bloodthirsty Butchers is a renamed literary adaptation--in this case, an adaptation of the story of Sweeney Todd, demon barber of Fleet Street, a character that was originally introduced in a series of penny dreadfuls in 1846. Despite being based on an external source, Bloodthirsty Butchers is a prototypical Andy Milligan film, spiced up with gore, impressionistically uncontrolled camerawork, and scenes of intense, hateful bickering.

Despite the film's unassailable pedigree, some of your universe's critics remain unimpressed. For example, reviewer coventry writes, "The production is one gigantic mess, with an incoherent narrative structure, truly hideous photography, poor lighting, lousy acting and directing, laughable gore and zilch tension or atmosphere." Reviewer HandsomeBen writes, "This movie should be destroyed and never be seen again. It's THAT bad." And reviewer jbeaucha-1 writes, "Take my suggestion, and DO NOT see this movie unless you plan on falling asleep. TERRIBLE."

Read on for an unbiased look at one of Andy Milligan's many fine tales of terror...

Monday, February 14, 2022

“There’s No Way We Can Get Some Vicious Animals to Work On?” - The Man with Two Heads (1972) - Film #223

What would classic cinema be without Mr. Andy Milligan? The question is rhetorical, of course, because the only answer is there would be no cinema without Mr. Andy Milligan. We have already discussed several of Mr. Milligan's films: Torture Dungeon (1970), The Body Beneath (1970),  Blood (1973), and Monstrosity (1987). Now it is time to consider one of Mr. Milligan's treatments of the literary classic The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. Released in 1972, Mr. Milligan's version of the strange tale about Henry (here William) Jekyll and his counterpart Edward (here Danny) Hyde was renamed The Man with 2 Heads in order to cash in on the big-budget Hollywood film The Thing with Two Heads (also 1972), starring Ray Milland and Rosey Grier.

Of course, as with any film by Mr. Milligan, your universe's critics are quick to show their lack of understanding and appreciation. For example, reviewer jrd_73 criticizes Mr. Milligan's entire body of work when they write, "Most of Andy Milligan's films are nearly unwatchable for anyone who demands a minimal level of quality. Static shots that run on forever, unconvincing (to say the least) period designs, and bad acting, that is what one gets with Andy Milligan." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "It's not a long film but the pacing drags out endlessly nonetheless." And reviewer Michael_Elliott also complains about the pacing (of an Andy Milligan film) when they write, "even at just 80 minutes the film drags and feels twice as long, which is what keeps it from being more entertaining."

Read on for the truth about The Man with Two Heads (1972)...(the truth being, in part, that there are no two-headed men in the film)...

Sunday, January 30, 2022

"You Scrambled the Wrong Egg" - Low Blow (1986) - Film #222

We do not discuss action films much here at Senseless Cinema, so we should remedy that by reviewing Low Blow (1986), starring Cameron Mitchell, Troy Donahue, and of course action hero legend Leo Fong. 

Some of your universe's respected critics are misguided about Low Blow. Reviewer dougriley, for example, writes (with at least a touch of hyperbole, I hope), "Having watched over 5000 movies in my lifetime, I can truly say this is by far the worst movie I have ever seen." Reviewer bzparkes-1 writes, "This movie is shocking. The acting is truly abominable and the attempts at humour really are pathetic." And reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "An execrable film, so poor that I can't even classify it as an "action" movie."

Read on for an objective review of Leo Fong's action vehicle Low Blow...