“I Just Judge a Book By Its Cover…If I Know the Author” - Air (2014)

It is time to explore another modern classic, 2014's Air, with the tag line "What If There Was None?" Air is a heartfelt apocalyptic thriller that is unlike any other modern film.

Some of your universe's critics do not understand Air. For example, reviewer jcbigbie writes, "Bad acting, bad voiceovers, bad storyline, robotic actors." Reviewer Daman-Malone writes, "Between the acting, audio style recording, story and lack of momentum, collectively with these factors, the movie was terrible." And reviewer teebear817 writes, "The absolute worst, i mean the WORST acting in movie history."

Of course, these reviewers are all incorrect. Read on for an appreciation of Air...

“Them Babies with Nothing But Their Hands” - Island Fury (1983) aka Please Don't Eat the Babies

 

Some undiscriminating cinemagoers might be unfamiliar with Island Fury (1983), a children's adventure film with only small bits of female nudity, the suggestion of canniabalism, and a hint of meat cleaver gore. Others might be familiar with the film under its alternate title Please Don't Eat the Babies, a curious title for a film that contains exactly zero babies.

Of course, some of your universe's critics who have seen the film are strangely unkind to it. For example, reviewer Woodyanders writes, "Man, does this mind-numbing schlockfest strike out something rotten in every possible way." Reviewer Tromafreak calls the film "an awful, pointless, boring, unwatchable piece of garbage." And reviewer Hey_Sweden writes, "It's a true odd duck of a film, an awkwardly written, directed, and acted production that may be an endurance test for some viewers."

Read on for the truth about the high adventure film Island Fury...

"A Man Just Doesn’t Have a Heart Attack without Some Apparent Reason" - Devil's Partner (1960)

Early in his career, prolific TV director Charles R. Rondeau directed the youth movie The Girl in Lovers Lane (1960) and the occult horror movie Devil's Partner (also 1960) (commonly known as The Devil's Partner). Today we are looking at the second of these classics, made before the director became constrained by the formats of TV shows like F Troop and Captain Nice. 

Some of your universe's critics do not see the potential in this horrific film. For example, reviewer Wagner-26993 writes, somewhat inscrutably, "Boring waste of time. The plot is not supported by the scenes." Reviewer mark.waltz writes, also inscrutably, "This has an element of trashiness to it that puts it in the classification of exploitation rather than a piece of art." And reviewer richardtilley-76559 writes, "As for the final scene, it just made me laugh. Awful ending."

Read on for the truth about Devil's Partner...

"That Was in Very Bad Taste" - House of the Black Death (1966)

The 1960s were a time when the classic horror film stars of the past grew willing to appear together in new kinds of horror films, though in many cases they shared only one or two scenes (for example, Scream and Scream Again). Today we look at House of the Black Death, in which Lon Chaney, Jr. and John Carradine appear as brothers, though in a startling reversal of expectations, they appear in exactly zero scenes together.

Some of your universe's critics are perversely negative about House of the Black Death. Reviewer a_baron writes, “‘House Of The Black Death’ is slightly confusing, very boring, and frankly, embarrassing to watch.” Reviewer planktonrules writes, “In addition to being an extremely dull and talky film, 'sexy' dancing girls are rather randomly inserted throughout the film to try to keep you awake.” And reviewer JohnSeal writes, “It's ALMOST completely worthless, being badly shot, appallingly lit, and poorly written.”

Read on for the truth about House of the Black Death...

“Feelings Never Experienced Elsewhere in the Galaxy” - Captive (1980)

At Senseless Cinema, we're well aware that there might be no other actor who can "do it all" like Cameron Mitchell, so today we will look at his science fiction action film Captive (1980), where he plays a despicable villain as well as any actor, living or dead.

Some of your universe's top critics have shockingly unfavorable views of Captive. For example, reviewer plan99 writes, "The worst acting is done by Cameron MItchell, and he had a lot of tough competition for this award. Special effects done badly on a Sinclair Spectrum and the "music" is just a variety of beeps also from a Sinclair Spectrum. Film making can't be any worse than this effort, watch it if you get the chance as it's awful to behold." Reviewer Curtis writes, "Captive is a very poorly constructed film. The direction is beyond bland, which is sort of amazing given that it has four listed directors." And reviewer Luke Thorne writes, "Overall, Captive is a terrible science-fiction film, due to the poor performances, direction, lacklustre script, slow pace and no tense atmosphere or character determination."

Read on for the truth about Captive (1980)...

"Like a Pig Likes Bacon" - Drakul (2017)

Let us turn to a hidden gem from 2017 called Drakul, a political thriller that adds vampires to the mix and implies that American politicians could be working with dark forces to complete their own mysterious agendas.

Drakul is such a hidden gem, in fact, that I could find no reviews from your universe's film critics that address it. Therefore, I will assume it is universally admired and simply move on to explaining why it is a masterpiece. Please read on...

"The Subconscious Mind Is an Untapped Reservoir of Acquired Information" - The Psychotronic Man (1980)

The Psychotronic Man (1980) is a classic film so influential it spawned the term for an entire genre of classic films, "psychotronic." It is also, perhaps, the most 1967 a movie can be that was filmed in 1979 and released in 1980.

Although most of your universe's critics actually appreciate this film, there are some who misunderstand this classic. For example, reviewer Superwonderscope writes, "This is probably one of the only movie in all movie history where a blank screen can be a better spectacle." Reviewer imdb-579 writes, "It has no entertainment value, at all." And reviewer garrett-I writes, "This film is only recommended for those individuals who enjoy watching the worst films ever made."

Read on for the truth about the classic The Psychotronic Man...

“The San Francisco Earthquake, the Chicago Fire, and So Forth” - Red Midnight (1966)

Nobody makes high-quality cinema the way people with axes to grind make high-quality cinema. Case in point: Red Midnight, a captivating thriller from 1966 that makes a convincing case for urban planning through domestic terrorism.

Some of your universe's critics are unpersuaded. For example, reviewer Blastoff Tokicksville writes, "This one could have stayed lost." Reviewer Vaccinia writes, "this is so bloated with filler that it is probably safer to just give a blanket suggestion to avoid and not watch." And reviewer MelvinvtHof writes, "This was very hard to sit trough [sic]."

Read on for the truth about Red Midnight...

“It’s Only a Series of Freak Circumstances” - Carnage (1984)

It is time to return to the world of auteur Andy Milligan, whose films we have already discussed include Torture Dungeon (1970), Bloodthirsty Butchers (1970), The Body Beneath (1970), The Man with Two Heads (1972), The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972), Blood (1973), Legacy of Blood (1978), and Monstrosity (1987). Now we turn our thoughts to one of Mr. Milligan's more timely exploitation films, Carnage (1984), released soon after hits like The Evil Dead (1981) and Poltergeist (1982). Carnage is Mr. Milligan's version of a haunted house story, and it tells a compelling story indeed.

Your universe's critics are oddly unimpressed by Mr. Milligan's efforts. For example, reviewer Hitchcoc writes, "Anyway, there's no end to the suffering, not of the people in the house, but of the people who saw this movie. Avoid at all costs." Reviewer hangsheep2004 writes, somewhat inexplicably, "This movie is so bad they do not even sell it in many places. Look out Plan 9 from outer Space, look out Manos, Hands of Fate, you have a contender for worst picture of all time. Carnage has that potential, the only potential it has." And reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "With lousy acting from all involved, and special effects limited to objects being moved by wires (some of which are clearly visible) and a fair amount of hokey gore (including a really laughable disembowelment, a meat cleaver in the head and a blood-free decapitation), this woeful ghost flick is strictly for fans of really bad movies."

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Andy Milligan's Carnage (1984)...

“Go Make Love to Your Iron Mistress” - Bigfoot (1970)

Bigfoot is no stranger to lists of classic films. Here at Senseless Cinema, we have explored such gems as Curse of Bigfoot (1976), Capture of Bigfoot (1979), Bog (1979), Night of the Demon (1980), Demonwarp (1988), and  Night Claws (2012). Now it is time to consider one of the earliest and finest bigfoot films, 1970's Bigfoot, directed by esteemed filmmaker Robert F. Slatzer, director of the biker classic The Hellcats (1968). 

Strangely, some of your universe's critics do not appreciate Bigfoot. Reviewer lfdewolfe writes, "Screw this movie! I HATE IT!!! Words cannot describe my hatred for this movie." Reviewer bensonmum2 writes, "What a complete load of garbage! Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, about Bigfoot is wretched." And reviewer TheUnknown837-1 writes, "The screenplay is just the same set of words and phrases being repeated over and over again and the editing is absolutely horrendous."

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Robert F. Slatzer's Bigfoot...

“No More Functional Architecture, Thank You” - Pyro, the Thing without a Face (1964)

It is time to visit the beautiful nation of Spain and encounter one of the most terrifying monsters in cinema history, Pyro, the Thing without a Face (1964). Before the film is over, we will have looked upon his face, which is as terrifying, but not as nonexistent, as the title implies.

Some of your universe's revered critics are not big fans of Pyro, the Thing without a Face. For example, reviewer richardtilley-76559 writes, "It's all pretty pointless, takes itself far too seriously and just affirms the saying 'if you play with fire, you'll get burned'." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "It's also a derivative work which reminded me of HOUSE OF WAX and HORROR OF THE BLACK MUSEUM in places although it doesn't have much of the impact of either of those two classic horror flicks." And reviewer lee-96696 writes, "The narrative can be disjointed, the pacing uneven, and the "Thing Without a Face" itself might elicit more chuckles than chills for modern audiences."

Read on for the truth about Pyro, the Thing without a Face...