Monday, May 18, 2020

"'Why' Is the Most Overused Word in the English Language" - Graveyard Story (1991) - Film #178


Why don't we take this time to examine in great detail 1991's Graveyard Story, another Canadian film from the director of Beyond the Seventh Door, Bozidar D. Benedikt. While this film does not feature the cheekbones or hair of Mr. Lazar Rockwood, it does feature Mr. John Ireland.

Some of your universe's critics obviously misunderstand the works of Bozidar D. Benedikt's. For example, reviewer linseylockley writes, "The acting was like watching Middle School children in a poorly-directed play. The dialogue, also, was horribly written." Reviewer triso writes with some unwarranted bigotry, "This is a typical bad Canadian movie. There are no thrills, no chills and no spills." (This is inaccurate. I counted at least three spills.) And reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "THE GRAVEYARD STORY turns into a standard kidnap thriller with some very bad acting from the supporting cast, particularly the woeful actors playing the gangsters."

How could these critics be so wrong? Please read on...

Monday, May 11, 2020

“The Time Has Come for Your Real Problems” - Beyond the Seventh Door (1987) - Film #177



Although 1987's Beyond the Seventh Door is for all intents and purposes a video game movie, it is surprisingly not based on a video game. The film was shot in Canada and shot on video (two qualities that of course contribute to its classic status) to showcase the talents of the semi-prolific Serbian actor Lazar Rockwood...and showcase them it does.

Unfortunately, some of your universe's critics are ill-informed enough to find fault with Beyond the Seventh Door. Reviewer deheor writes, "This is a truly awful movie that people should watch once simply to have a basis for comparison the next time someone complains about a bad film. No matter what movie is bothering them you can step up and say 'you don't know what crap is until you endure beyond the 7th door'." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "And it's fair to say that this is an inept film throughout, with direction that's even worse than the acting." And reviewer danreguly writes, "one has to wonder how and/or why his oh-so-obvious butchery of acting occurred?"

Please read on, if only for the sake of Canada and shot-on-video films...

Monday, April 27, 2020

“Tell Us Your Thoughts on the United States and the Laws of Physics” - Hellmaster (1992) aka Them - Film #176


It is time to examine Douglas Schulze's 1993 film Hellmaster aka Them, which features horror film stalwarts John Saxon and David Emge. Rarely has there been a more coherent film about the dangers of drug experimentation by religious cults than Hellmaster.

Even a film as entertaining and stylish as Hellmaster cannot satisfy your universe's critics, it seems. Reviewer RatedVforVinny writes, "One of the very worst horror movies, with very little merit and even less credibility. avoid." Reviewer vivekmaru45 writes, "I have written this review as a final word NOT TO SEE THIS FILM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. As a horror viewer for over 25 years and I have seen at least a 1000 horror films, my message is again - STEER CLEAR OF THIS ONE." And reviewer nev_the_bassist writes, "Admittedly I did watch it with a smile, but this was a smile of disbelief due to how badly [sic] the film is badly [sic] written, not to mention the bad edited with audio levels all over the place. All in all the shiny little disc would make a rather nice coaster for your mug of tea."

Read on for a true picture of this fascinating film...

Monday, April 13, 2020

"What If He Starts Offering Out Drugs?" - Suffer Little Children (1983) - Film #175


Let us turn to the legendary British shot-on-VHS thriller Suffer Little Children (1983), one of the finest pieces of cinema ever created by an acting school populated almost entirely by children. As with The Zodiac Killer (1971), the circumstances of the making of the film are almost as interesting as the film itself--though the circumstances with Suffer Little Children (amateur project by acting school) are less grim than those surrounding The Zodiac Killer (attempt to catch serial murderer), the film itself is considerably more graphic and disturbing.

Oddly, some critics in your universe fail to appreciate this masterpiece. Reviewer Coventry writes, "'Suffer, Little Children' is so bad that I can hardly find enough synonyms for awful to describe what's going on here. It's practically unwatchable, with lousy editing, incomprehensible narration, inaudible dialogs (also because the acting performances are so inept) and no sign of coherence or pace whatsoever." Reviewer juderussell-84094 writes, "Look, this movie is bad. Really bad." And reviewer HumanoidOfFlesh writes, "Utterly cheesy and inept horror movie made by the students of Drama School.The editing is horrible, the plot makes no sense and the lighting is amateurish."

Obviously, these reviewers are unfit even to be called reviewers. Please read on for an appreciation of this groundbreaking film...

Monday, March 30, 2020

"Be Hospitable and Gay" - Dream No Evil (1970) - Film #174


It is time to return to the world of one of horror's most underappreciated auteurs, John Hayes, director of Grave of the Vampire (1972), Garden of the Dead (1972), and End of the World (1977), among several other non-horror films. Dream No Evil is the thoughtful, surreal story of a woman's descent into madness and, possibly, murder.

Not all of your universe's critics appreciate the subtlety of Dream No Evil. For example, reviewer Coventry writes, ""Dream No Evil" is easily one of the most pointless films I ever sat through." Reviewer jacobconnelly-47681 writes, "It's a tedious, slow journey into absolute nothingness." On a more positive note, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "I would hesitate to call Dream No Evil a good film."

Is Dream No Evil a good film? Please read on...

Monday, February 24, 2020

“Join Me...Old Crow, Finest Sausage.” - Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1983) - Film #173


One of the finest rural slasher films of the 1980s is Jim McCullough, Sr.'s Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1983), the story of released mental patient Evelyn Chambers and her challenges operating the titular inn, not to mention the maze of tunnels situated underneath.

Some of your universe's critics are not as enamored of this film as they should be. For example, reviewer Nightman85 writes, "This movie lacks in every possible way. The story is a rather boring one, especially considering that there is no mystery or suspense to be had! The cast is utterly horrible, even to me who can sometimes tolerate a hammy performance. There isn't any style to the direction of this movie, no decent score, nothing in the way of talent at all!" Reviewer brunzer writes, "The story is sluggish and boring, the acting is hammy, and there isn't much killing and hardly any blood or gore." And reviewer jeppegrunberger writes hyperbolically, "it might very well be the worst of it's kind... it really might."

Let us take a trip to the wild mountains of Louisiana to see the true horror that is Mountaintop Motel Massacre...

Monday, February 10, 2020

“It Ain’t Halloween If You Can’t Scare a Few Kids Once in a While” - Jack-O (1995) - Film #172


Let’s turn to one of the finest of the many classic films set on Halloween. I am speaking, of course, about 1995’s Jack-O, a demonic revenge tale which features literally seconds of footage of the great John Carradine and Cameron Mitchell.

Reviewer nixshows writes, “ It's straight up bottom-of-the-barrel Z-grade. The acting is the worst ever on film.” Reviewer RikFlash writes, “ This movie is just plane lame...this is straight garbage.” And the esteemed reviewer metalrage666 writes, “ The whole movie is contrived, I've seen better and more believable effects in movies made in the 50's, the dialogue seems forced and the acting is non- existent.”

Read on for a more realistic assessment of Steve Latshaw’s Jack-O...

Monday, January 27, 2020

"I Never Saw Such a Fog or Chill as This" - Garden of the Dead (1972) - Film #171


If John Hayes had directed only Grave of the Vampire (1972) and End of the World (1977), he would be considered one of the world's finest auteurs. But he directed additional classics as well, including the early zombie film Garden of the Dead (1972), which we now consider, and which warns the world about the horrific side effects of sniffing formaldehyde.

One wonders what the reviewers of your universe are sniffing when they refuse to accept Garden of the Dead as a classic. Reviewer MetalGeek writes, "It isn't scary, isn't gory, and isn't even silly enough to be considered 'so bad it's good.'" Reviewer gattonero975 writes, "This 'Garden' should definable be left alone and left to dry and die!" Dry and die? How cruel! And reviewer pawned79 writes, "Nothing I can say can possible describe the horror that I felt when I watched this movie." (Perhaps a compliment, though this reviewer's score of 3 out of 10 for the film argues against such an interpretation.)

Read on for a true appreciation of the great John Hayes's atmospheric and innovative zombie film...

Monday, January 20, 2020

"No Good Comes Out of That Lake. Except the Fish I Catch" - Blood Sabbath (1972) - Film #170


One highly entertaining cinematic genre is the metaphysical allegory titled to suggest it is an intense horror film. Blood Sabbath is one of the strongest of this small but high-quality genre.

Reviewer coventry writes, "Not one sequence in the entire movie makes the slightest bit of sense and everything looks so poor it almost becomes pitiful." Reviewer DigitalRevenantX7 writes, "The special effects, when they do appear, are so poor that you end up groaning in disappointment." And reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "it proves to be rather incoherent, and very tedious."

These reviewers are clearly uninterested in subtlety and allegorical meaning. Read on for a more balanced look at 1972's Blood Sabbath...

Monday, January 13, 2020

"The Perfect Place for a Psychotic Investigation" - Nightwish (1988) - Film #169


One of the prime periods of creativity in American film was the middle to late eighties, when filmmakers mined the surrealism introduced in Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) to great effect. A fine example of surrealism is Bruce R. Cook's Nightwish (1988), which we discuss today.

Some of your universe's critics are not kind to Nightwish. For example, reviewer mrcool1122, under the headline "Worst Movie Ever," writes, "you'll leave this movie feeling alone and taken advantage of, like a puppy who isn't wanted anymore and is left in a box by the side of the road. Blech." Reviewer paul_haakonsen writes, "I managed to endure an hour of the ordeal before I gave up. By then I had simply lost all interest in the movie and the pointless storyline and the random happenings of events that made little sense." And reviewer WisdomsHammer writes, "The overall story was what did me in. I wasn't invested in any of these characters and the ending was so predictable and lackluster that I groaned."

Read on for the truth about Nightwish...

Monday, January 6, 2020

“A Jesus Freak Now Believes in Spacemen” - Heatstroke (2008) - Film #168


How could a movie with alien dinosaurs, D. B. Sweeney, and Danica McKellar fail to be a classic? Of course, that is a rhetorical question, signaling the beginning of our discussion of 2008's Heatstroke, a classic monster movie set in a tropical paradise.

Some of your universe's critics fail to understand classics like Heatstroke. For example, reviewer rob_p writes, "The script was deplorable. Predictable and cliché ridden. The characters were flat and uninteresting. The CGI aliens are appallingly bad." Reviewer kiawa77 writes, "I just kept watching it in order to write a review on it, but I can't even write a decent review because it was really that bad. A terrible, illogical script with a set of wooden actors delivering their lines in a very flat way." And reviewer kiat-2 writes, "The director has cooked up a turkey - the very worst film I've seen for a long time."

Read on...