Monday, January 23, 2023

"Haven't You Ever Guessed the Truth?" - The Silent Scream (1979) - Film #243

Let us now visit the California coast in The Silent Scream (1979), an early slasher that arguably could be considered a proto-slasher due to the fact it began filming in 1977, before Halloween, though the finished version was rewritten and completed after Halloween's record-breaking box office success.

Some of your universe's critics do not appreciate the groundbreaking The Silent Scream. For example, reviewer donnyblvu writes, "I recommend this movie to your buddies whom you don't like. I mean that the person that you really want to waist [sic] 2 hrs of his/her time. This movie sucked so bad that I had nightmares..." Reviewer thesar-2 writes, "The movie's boring. Really. It contains odd characters as well as stereotypical (of 1980) characters, none of which are interesting." And reviewer Maciste-Brother writes, "SILENT SCREAM ain't much of a movie."

You must read on for the true story of The Silent Scream...

Monday, January 9, 2023

“I Could Probably Take First Prize in Any Evil Contest” - Mardi Gras Massacre (1978) - Film #242


Although this review is being posted soon after the New Year holiday, we will be discussing a film about another holiday marked by exuberant celebration. The film is the video nasty Mardi Gras Massacre (1978), directed by Jack Weis, most famous as location coordinator on the New Orleans-set James Bond film Live and Let Die (1973), but nearly as well known as director of Louisiana-set exploitation films such as Death Brings Roses (1975) and Crypt of Dark Secrets (1976).

As usual, many of your universe's critics have negative opinions of Mardi Gras Massacre. For example, reviewer skanners writes, "The acting is woeful and the sound, editing and directing are nothing short of abysmal." Reviewer skullrot1 writes, "This is one of the few movies that left me completely unsatisfied in every way." And reviewer andrewmford writes, with perhaps some hyperbole, "Avoid this movie like the plague on humanity that it is. All copies of this movie should be gathered and destroyed, so that no one else should have to suffer though this assault on art of filmmaking."

Read on for the truth about Mardi Gras Massacre...

Monday, November 7, 2022

"Even the Squirrels Are Scarce" - Invasion from Inner Earth (1974) - Film #241

We must again turn to the works of Wisconsin's Bill Rebane to discuss Invasion from Inner Earth (1974) aka They, another of the master's minimalist science fiction films. Like Mr. Rebane's later The Alpha Incident (1977), Invasion from Inner Earth is a tense exploration of a small group of isolated characters.

Some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate Mr. Rebane's work. For example, reviewer uljf writes, "Every cliche in the book is used, and the low budget assures terrible special effects. Bad all around." Reviewer Patchbunny writes, "The movie is a slogging morass of nonacting that has no real plot, coherence, or semblance of intelligence." And reviewer udar55 writes, "Even if this has a germ of a good idea, the execution is so terrible that nothing can be forgiven."

Of course, these reviewers do not understand the wonders of minimalist filmmaking. Read on for a true appreciation of Invasion from Inner Earth...

Monday, October 24, 2022

“You Don’t Have to Wear a Loincloth or Beat a Tom-Tom to be Primitive” - Devils of Darkness (1965) - Film #240

It is time to travel to 1965 France for the British vampire film Devils of Darkness, a late-career film directed by Lance Comfort, who had been directing British films since 1942 (and who directed a non-vampire film named Daughter of Darkness in 1948).

Of course, many of your universe's critics fail to appreciate, apparently, non-Hammer vampire films from the 1960s. Reviewer bjon1452 writes, “I'm at a loss as to how the actors were able to go through with this film with straight faces.” Reviewer pninson writes, “It's not exactly excruciating to sit through, but it's one of those films that makes you feel you could be doing something better with your time.” And reviewer The_Void writes, “There's far, far too much talking and none of the horror elements are even bordering on being frightening, or even interesting.”

Read on for the truth about Devils of Darkness...

Monday, October 10, 2022

"Be With It, For It" - She Freak (1967) - Film #239

It is time to return to the 1960s and examine 1967's carnival drama She-Freak, produced by celebrated showman David F. Friedman and directed by Byron Mabe. In addition to being an unofficial remake of Tod Browning's Freaks (1932), the film is also an educational exploration of the traveling carnival lifestyle.

Of course, some of your universe's critics are not enamored with She Freak. For example, reviewer Sarasate writes, "This film has absolutely nothing to recommend it. Bad acting, an even worse script, poor cinematography ... you name it, it all flops." Reviewer BaronBl00d writes, "There are some films that are bad, and there is this film which is BAD!" And reviewer firedan-2 writes, "Totally stupid. Awful writing, thinner-than-cardboard characters, UGLY photography/editing, no plot, painful acting, STUPID."

Read on for the truth about She Freak...

Monday, September 26, 2022

“I Want to Be More to Him than a Helper” - Night of the Bloody Transplant (1970) - Film #238

It is time to visit the bustling city of Flint, Michigan to witness 1970's regional horror film Night of the Bloody Transplant (not to be confused with the previous year's Night of Bloody Horror). Combining a surgical thriller with a protoslasher, the film is a powerful statement about life, death, and the things people will do to choose one over the other (usually, though not always, life over death).

Some of your universe's critics are confused about Night of the Bloody Transplant. For example, reviewer ddk999 writes, "Somehow, even at 71 minutes run time- with several scenes clearly padded with 'shooting the rodeo' footage- it still seemed endless." Reviewer Angry Ghost Kid writes, "This one was just bad. From the flat lighting and scenery, to the amateur acting, to the bad writing, to the scenes that go on way too long in clubs." And reviewer Stefano Monteforte writes, "murky lighting ruins some of it and none of it is any good, anyway."

Read on for the truth about the groundbreaking Night of the Bloody Transplant...

Monday, September 12, 2022

“I Plan on Eliminating the Middleman” - The Halfway House (2005) - Film #237

As a change of pace, let us discuss a movie from 2005 -- the light-hearted Lovecraftian exploitation film The Halfway House, directed by special effects veteran Kenneth J. Hall (who also directed the classic Evil Spawn from 1987 and Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout from 1990). Enhanced with practical monster effects and copious nudity, this monster movie is an effective throwback to the esthetics of the 1980s.

Unfortunately, not all your universe's critics appreciate The Halfway House. For example, reviewer The_Dead_See writes, "What I got instead was a horrendously boring screenplay, with very little in the way of either horror or humour. If you think you're going to get any gore in this release, think again." Reviewer Gary-P-Heath writes, "I have seen some pretty poor movies in my time, but this takes the biscuit, it is truly terrible ... the plot is dreadful, the acting is diabolical, the monster is laughable, everything about The Halfway House is awful !!!" And reviewer PartridgeFeatherz writes, "It is so bad. Bad beyond words, friends."

It should go without saying that these reviews miss the mark to an almost unbelievable extent. Read on for the truth about the entertaining monster movie The Halfway House...

Monday, August 29, 2022

“Where the Hell Is My Head?” - Night of Bloody Horror (1969) - Film #236

Night of Bloody Horror (1969) is the first film directed by The Night of the Strangler (1972) auteur Joy N. Houck Jr. Unlike that Mickey Dolenz vehicle, Night of Bloody Horror is a vehicle for a young Gerald McRaney. Like that film, however, it is an incisive portrait of a disturbed individual trapped in circumstances out of their control. It also includes axe and cleaver murders as well as desiccated corpses.

Despite these qualities, some of your universe's critics are somewhat misguided about Night of Bloody Horror. For example, reviewer nogodnomasters writes, "Sound is horrible. Acting is pathetic. Not recommended even for camp value." Reviewer soulexpress writes, "The film is quite tedious between murder scenes. And the murders themselves don't really show a lot. Fans of blood and gore will likely be disappointed." And reviewer grybop writes, "There is almost no suspense, in fact waiting to see if the next scene is worse than the one you are watching is far more suspenseful."
 
Are these reviewers as misguided as a shirtless Gerald McRaney? Read on for the answers...

Monday, August 15, 2022

“One of Those Church-Going Gigolos” - Savage Lagoon (1999) - Film #235

How frequently have you asked yourself, "I would like to see a combination of Zombie Lake (1981) and a Hallmark romance movie, only without any zombies"? Look no further than 1999's Savage Lagoon (released in the U.S. in 2007), known less exploitatively as Bohemian Moon. 

Many of your universe's critics have not reviewed Savage Lagoon, so for once they have little disparaging to say. However, there are exceptions. Reviewer godzillaismylife writes, "This may be the worst piece of garbage i have ever lay eyes on." Reviewer raulgomez21, in a mostly positive review, writes, "some of the Actors could use some Acting classes." And reviewer bandsaboutmovie writes, "This movie feels like walking through a lake and your feet get caught in mud and you struggle to walk."

Of course, these reviewers miss the point of the romantic Savage Moon. Read on for a more balanced (and correct) appreciation...

Monday, August 1, 2022

"We Gotta Stop Booking These Monster Movies" - Meatcleaver Massacre (1977) - Film #235

The late 1970s represent a cusp in terms of the horror movies being made and released, as the protoslasher exemplified by films such as The Severed Arm (1972) gave way to fully realized slasher films exemplified by Halloween (1978). One of the finest supernatural protoslashers is 1977's Meatcleaver Massacre, aka Hollywood Meat Cleaver Massacre (not to mention dozens of other titles). Let us discuss this near-masterpiece of 1970s terror.

Of course, some of your universe's critics are blind to the charms of Meatcleaver Massacre, some for no other reason than there are no meat cleavers in the film. For example, reviewer mhorg2018 writes, "After watching this trash, and wondering where the meatcleaver comes into play, HINT: It doesn't." Reviewer Bunuel76 writes, "Everything about the film is ugly: from the protagonists...to the utterly dreary look and the messy pseudo-surreal nightmares preceding the spirit's retribution..." And reviewer colaboy7 writes, "why oh why is this film called 'the meat cleaver massacre' when there is absolutely no meat cleaver used in this film?? The plot is stupid, the FX are stupid, the acting is stupid. The whole film is stupid. Avoid!"

Read on for the truth about Meatcleaver Massacre...
 

Monday, July 18, 2022

“Some Vacation! Boring, Boring Boring!” - The Brides Wore Blood (1972) - Film #234

It is time to return to Florida for the regional vampire film The Brides Wore Blood (1972), the final film of director Robert Favorite, who had previously directed the exploitation films Riverboat Mama (1969) and Indian Raid, Indian Made (also 1969).

Some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate Mr. Favorite's masterpiece. For example, reviewer bergma15@msu.edu writes, "For God's sake, don't watch this unless you can spare a few brain cells or have a twelve pack that needs to be drunk in about an hour and fifteen minutes." Reviewer cherry writes, "It was steadily going downhill from the start but it REALLY takes a turn in the second half when the writers just threw in everything but the kitchen sink and hoped it would pan out. It didn't." And reviewer Kurt M. Criscione writes, "What a slog.... so slow and boring... great title and good premise and just crap..."

These reviews must be corrected immediately. Please read on for the truth about The Brides Wore Blood...