Monday, June 29, 2020

"I Could Use a Husky Man Like You out at My Poultry Ranch" - Blood Freak (1972) - Film #181


I assume everyone is aware of Brand Grinter and Steve Hawkes's Florida-set Blood Freak (1972), famous as perhaps the only anti-drug film in which a man turns into a turkey. No matter how great its fame, however, this film deserves an appreciation as a fine example of early 1970s regional horror.

Shockingly, some of your universe's critics are have "fowl" opinions of Blood Freak. For example, reviewer raymondnyc writes, "Bad acting is a staple of movies of this type, but when it's THIS bad it's just distracting." Review dfranzen70 writes (under the review title "Not So Bad It's Good," a title whose multiple negatives I must confess I cannot process), "The shoddy costume manages to distract the viewer from the purely amateurish acting and bottom-of-the-barrel script." And reviewer preppy-3 writes, "The script is terrible and (with the sole exception of Hawkes) all the acting is dreadful."

Clearly, these reviewers would benefit from the message of Blood Freak (i.e., drugs will turn you into a turkey-headed monster addicted to blood). Read on to see the true beauty and horror of Blood Freak...

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Check Out My Novel -- The Nightmare Archive: A Secret History of Haunted Films

Just a note to let you know I have a novel available under my real (?) name. The novel is called The Nightmare Archive: A Secret History of Haunted Films. In the U.S., it's 99 cents to buy, and it's free to read on Kindle Unlimited. If it sounds interesting, check it out on Amazon. Thanks!


Monday, June 15, 2020

"The Most Traumatic Ordeal a Human Being Can Experience" - Night Killer (1990) - Film #180


Cinephiles frequently point to the work of Claudio Fragasso and Bruno Mattei when they discuss the high points of horror cinema in the 1980s and 1990s. Night Killer (1990) (aka Don't Open the Door 3) is an exemplary work by these two masters, a chilling portrait of psychological torture and experimentation handled with the taste, depth, and sophistication one would expect from Messrs. Fragasso and Mattei.

Oddly, some of your universe's critics view Night Killer negatively. For example, reviewer homecoming8 dismisses the film with the parting words, "For die hard fans of the genre only but don't get your hopes up because "Night Killer" has not much to offer." Reviewer BA_Harrison dismisses the film even further by declaring it "another godawful piece of low-rent horror garbage so bad that it has to be seen to be believed." And reviewer fanatic_movie_goer dismisses the film thusly: "It doesn't have any good characters, the directing is horrendous, the cutting is mushy, the score is bad..."

Of course, Night Killer is not to be dismissed so quickly. Please read on for a full appreciation...

Monday, June 1, 2020

"What Are You Going to Have for Dessert? A Stomach Pump?" - Girls Nite Out (1982) - Film #179


Slasher movies from the early 1980s are always a gold mine of cinematic quality, and Girls Nite Out (1982) (sometimes known as The Scaremaker) is no different, despite the fact that there is no girls nite out (or, for that matter, a girls' night out) depicted anywhere in the film.

Unfortunately, your universe's critics fail to see the pure ore in this particular gold mine. Reviewer callanvass writes insultingly, "This is one of the worst slashers I have ever seen, and I've seen a lot of slashers." Reviewer dagonseve writes coherently, "If the feel of a Slasher title is what you're after you'll be sorely disappointed when you discover that the film primarily focuses on college tomfoolery." And reviewer FieCrier writes dismissively, "Absolutely one of the worst slasher movies I have ever seen. As Jim Harper writes in his book on slashers, Legacy of Blood, 'Watch it if you have to, but you'll probably wish you hadn't.'"

Please read on for a less biased recounting of the seminal slasher film Girls Nite Out...

Monday, May 18, 2020

"'Why' Is the Most Overused Word in the English Language" - Graveyard Story (1991) - Film #178


Why don't we take this time to examine in great detail 1991's Graveyard Story, another Canadian film from the director of Beyond the Seventh Door, Bozidar D. Benedikt. While this film does not feature the cheekbones or hair of Mr. Lazar Rockwood, it does feature Mr. John Ireland.

Some of your universe's critics obviously misunderstand the works of Bozidar D. Benedikt's. For example, reviewer linseylockley writes, "The acting was like watching Middle School children in a poorly-directed play. The dialogue, also, was horribly written." Reviewer triso writes with some unwarranted bigotry, "This is a typical bad Canadian movie. There are no thrills, no chills and no spills." (This is inaccurate. I counted at least three spills.) And reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "THE GRAVEYARD STORY turns into a standard kidnap thriller with some very bad acting from the supporting cast, particularly the woeful actors playing the gangsters."

How could these critics be so wrong? Please read on...

Monday, May 11, 2020

“The Time Has Come for Your Real Problems” - Beyond the Seventh Door (1987) - Film #177



Although 1987's Beyond the Seventh Door is for all intents and purposes a video game movie, it is surprisingly not based on a video game. The film was shot in Canada and shot on video (two qualities that of course contribute to its classic status) to showcase the talents of the semi-prolific Serbian actor Lazar Rockwood...and showcase them it does.

Unfortunately, some of your universe's critics are ill-informed enough to find fault with Beyond the Seventh Door. Reviewer deheor writes, "This is a truly awful movie that people should watch once simply to have a basis for comparison the next time someone complains about a bad film. No matter what movie is bothering them you can step up and say 'you don't know what crap is until you endure beyond the 7th door'." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "And it's fair to say that this is an inept film throughout, with direction that's even worse than the acting." And reviewer danreguly writes, "one has to wonder how and/or why his oh-so-obvious butchery of acting occurred?"

Please read on, if only for the sake of Canada and shot-on-video films...

Monday, April 27, 2020

“Tell Us Your Thoughts on the United States and the Laws of Physics” - Hellmaster (1992) aka Them - Film #176


It is time to examine Douglas Schulze's 1993 film Hellmaster aka Them, which features horror film stalwarts John Saxon and David Emge. Rarely has there been a more coherent film about the dangers of drug experimentation by religious cults than Hellmaster.

Even a film as entertaining and stylish as Hellmaster cannot satisfy your universe's critics, it seems. Reviewer RatedVforVinny writes, "One of the very worst horror movies, with very little merit and even less credibility. avoid." Reviewer vivekmaru45 writes, "I have written this review as a final word NOT TO SEE THIS FILM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. As a horror viewer for over 25 years and I have seen at least a 1000 horror films, my message is again - STEER CLEAR OF THIS ONE." And reviewer nev_the_bassist writes, "Admittedly I did watch it with a smile, but this was a smile of disbelief due to how badly [sic] the film is badly [sic] written, not to mention the bad edited with audio levels all over the place. All in all the shiny little disc would make a rather nice coaster for your mug of tea."

Read on for a true picture of this fascinating film...

Monday, April 13, 2020

"What If He Starts Offering Out Drugs?" - Suffer Little Children (1983) - Film #175


Let us turn to the legendary British shot-on-VHS thriller Suffer Little Children (1983), one of the finest pieces of cinema ever created by an acting school populated almost entirely by children. As with The Zodiac Killer (1971), the circumstances of the making of the film are almost as interesting as the film itself--though the circumstances with Suffer Little Children (amateur project by acting school) are less grim than those surrounding The Zodiac Killer (attempt to catch serial murderer), the film itself is considerably more graphic and disturbing.

Oddly, some critics in your universe fail to appreciate this masterpiece. Reviewer Coventry writes, "'Suffer, Little Children' is so bad that I can hardly find enough synonyms for awful to describe what's going on here. It's practically unwatchable, with lousy editing, incomprehensible narration, inaudible dialogs (also because the acting performances are so inept) and no sign of coherence or pace whatsoever." Reviewer juderussell-84094 writes, "Look, this movie is bad. Really bad." And reviewer HumanoidOfFlesh writes, "Utterly cheesy and inept horror movie made by the students of Drama School.The editing is horrible, the plot makes no sense and the lighting is amateurish."

Obviously, these reviewers are unfit even to be called reviewers. Please read on for an appreciation of this groundbreaking film...

Monday, March 30, 2020

"Be Hospitable and Gay" - Dream No Evil (1970) - Film #174


It is time to return to the world of one of horror's most underappreciated auteurs, John Hayes, director of Grave of the Vampire (1972), Garden of the Dead (1972), and End of the World (1977), among several other non-horror films. Dream No Evil is the thoughtful, surreal story of a woman's descent into madness and, possibly, murder.

Not all of your universe's critics appreciate the subtlety of Dream No Evil. For example, reviewer Coventry writes, ""Dream No Evil" is easily one of the most pointless films I ever sat through." Reviewer jacobconnelly-47681 writes, "It's a tedious, slow journey into absolute nothingness." On a more positive note, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "I would hesitate to call Dream No Evil a good film."

Is Dream No Evil a good film? Please read on...

Monday, February 24, 2020

“Join Me...Old Crow, Finest Sausage.” - Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1983) - Film #173


One of the finest rural slasher films of the 1980s is Jim McCullough, Sr.'s Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1983), the story of released mental patient Evelyn Chambers and her challenges operating the titular inn, not to mention the maze of tunnels situated underneath.

Some of your universe's critics are not as enamored of this film as they should be. For example, reviewer Nightman85 writes, "This movie lacks in every possible way. The story is a rather boring one, especially considering that there is no mystery or suspense to be had! The cast is utterly horrible, even to me who can sometimes tolerate a hammy performance. There isn't any style to the direction of this movie, no decent score, nothing in the way of talent at all!" Reviewer brunzer writes, "The story is sluggish and boring, the acting is hammy, and there isn't much killing and hardly any blood or gore." And reviewer jeppegrunberger writes hyperbolically, "it might very well be the worst of it's kind... it really might."

Let us take a trip to the wild mountains of Louisiana to see the true horror that is Mountaintop Motel Massacre...

Monday, February 10, 2020

“It Ain’t Halloween If You Can’t Scare a Few Kids Once in a While” - Jack-O (1995) - Film #172


Let’s turn to one of the finest of the many classic films set on Halloween. I am speaking, of course, about 1995’s Jack-O, a demonic revenge tale which features literally seconds of footage of the great John Carradine and Cameron Mitchell.

Reviewer nixshows writes, “ It's straight up bottom-of-the-barrel Z-grade. The acting is the worst ever on film.” Reviewer RikFlash writes, “ This movie is just plane lame...this is straight garbage.” And the esteemed reviewer metalrage666 writes, “ The whole movie is contrived, I've seen better and more believable effects in movies made in the 50's, the dialogue seems forced and the acting is non- existent.”

Read on for a more realistic assessment of Steve Latshaw’s Jack-O...