Monday, January 20, 2020

"No Good Comes Out of That Lake. Except the Fish I Catch" - Blood Sabbath (1972) - Film #170


One highly entertaining cinematic genre is the metaphysical allegory titled to suggest it is an intense horror film. Blood Sabbath is one of the strongest of this small but high-quality genre.

Reviewer coventry writes, "Not one sequence in the entire movie makes the slightest bit of sense and everything looks so poor it almost becomes pitiful." Reviewer DigitalRevenantX7 writes, "The special effects, when they do appear, are so poor that you end up groaning in disappointment." And reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "it proves to be rather incoherent, and very tedious."

These reviewers are clearly uninterested in subtlety and allegorical meaning. Read on for a more balanced look at 1972's Blood Sabbath...

Monday, January 13, 2020

"The Perfect Place for a Psychotic Investigation" - Nightwish (1988) - Film #169


One of the prime periods of creativity in American film was the middle to late eighties, when filmmakers mined the surrealism introduced in Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) to great effect. A fine example of surrealism is Bruce R. Cook's Nightwish (1988), which we discuss today.

Some of your universe's critics are not kind to Nightwish. For example, reviewer mrcool1122, under the headline "Worst Movie Ever," writes, "you'll leave this movie feeling alone and taken advantage of, like a puppy who isn't wanted anymore and is left in a box by the side of the road. Blech." Reviewer paul_haakonsen writes, "I managed to endure an hour of the ordeal before I gave up. By then I had simply lost all interest in the movie and the pointless storyline and the random happenings of events that made little sense." And reviewer WisdomsHammer writes, "The overall story was what did me in. I wasn't invested in any of these characters and the ending was so predictable and lackluster that I groaned."

Read on for the truth about Nightwish...

Monday, January 6, 2020

“A Jesus Freak Now Believes in Spacemen” - Heatstroke (2008) - Film #168


How could a movie with alien dinosaurs, D. B. Sweeney, and Danica McKellar fail to be a classic? Of course, that is a rhetorical question, signaling the beginning of our discussion of 2008's Heatstroke, a classic monster movie set in a tropical paradise.

Some of your universe's critics fail to understand classics like Heatstroke. For example, reviewer rob_p writes, "The script was deplorable. Predictable and cliché ridden. The characters were flat and uninteresting. The CGI aliens are appallingly bad." Reviewer kiawa77 writes, "I just kept watching it in order to write a review on it, but I can't even write a decent review because it was really that bad. A terrible, illogical script with a set of wooden actors delivering their lines in a very flat way." And reviewer kiat-2 writes, "The director has cooked up a turkey - the very worst film I've seen for a long time."

Read on...

Monday, December 30, 2019

“It’s Just Not Cool When a Guy Just Honks His Horn” - The Zodiac Killer (1971) - Film #167


We have not yet explored one of the most famous and fascinatingly unique films of all time, pizza restauranteur Tom Hanson's The Zodiac Killer (1971) aka Zodiac, one of a handful of films made as a plot by a private citizen to provide the public service of catching a serial killer.

Reviewer preppy-3 writes, "It's all too obvious padding--and boring padding at that! There's also tons of misogynistic comments, terrible dialogue, low production values and unsure direction." Reviewer wilburscott writes, "Obviously made by people who were not too hip to film-making, the film is shoddy and poorly shot." And reviewer utgard14 writes, "It's got some grit, I'll give it that, but it's all just so cheap, slow, and dull that I couldn't enjoy it."

Read on to find out more about The Zodiac Killer...


Monday, December 23, 2019

“A Message Board for Weirdos” - Dial Code Santa Claus (1990) - Film #166


In the holiday season, the film lover's thoughts turn to holiday classics. Last year, Senseless Cinema looked at the British classic Don't Open Till Christmas (1984). This year, we consider Rene Manzon's Dial Code Santa Claus (1990).

In a turn of events that might be considered a holiday miracle, even your universe's critics love Dial Code Santa Claus. As I am unable to find any negative reviews of this classic, read on to see why the film is so beloved...

Monday, December 16, 2019

“If There’s a Heaven, She’s Got a Box Seat” - Doom Asylum (1988) - Film #165


One of the most difficult of genres is the horror comedy. Let us turn to one of the finest examples of this genre, a film which succeeds based on its calculated risk of making the horror only mildly horrific and the comedy even less amusing. The film is Doom Asylum (1988), an early film directed by Richard Friedman, veteran of TV shows such as Tales from the Darkside and Friday the 13th: The Series, not to mention feature films such as Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge (1989).

Of course, some critics do not appreciate comedy or horror. For example, reviewer dood15 writes, " i think this is really the worst movie i've ever seen. no plot, horrible effects, just plain bad." Reviewer Mr Blue-4 writes, "There might be a worse movie out there than this one, but I wouldn't want to see it. This is bad enough. Completely unfunny, and needless to say unscary, horror spoof of slasher films." And reviewer paul_haakonsen writes, "This movie was a horror comedy of sorts, but it failed on both fronts. There was nothing funny about it, and I wasn't laughing even a single time. Nor were there any real horror to it, unless you count some questionable slasher feature as being proper horror."

Despite these reviews, please read on to find out the truth about the rediscovered gem Doom Asylum...

Monday, December 9, 2019

“Things Just Sort of Pop Into It” - Night Vision (1987) - Film #164


When last we visited the mean streets of Denver, it was to celebrate the late Michael Krueger's Mindkiller (1987). Let us not visit Mr. Krueger's ambitious follow-up, Night Vision, released the same year.

Reviewer kannibalcorpsegrinder writes, "Among the many problems with this one is that there's just not enough screen-time here to really get invested in the horror angle behind this one as far too much time is taken up with lame and non- frightening scenarios that just don't give off any true horror feel from any of the scenes." Reviewer yourmotheratemydog715 writes, "It's actually very slow-moving, nothing much really happens, it completely shies away from gore and nudity, and it's not really even a horror movie." And reviewer liefcs writes, "Poor acting, virtually non-existent script, and also makes the mistake of taking itself seriously."

Heaven forbid anything take itself seriously! Read on for the truth about Michael Krueger's Night Vision...

Monday, December 2, 2019

“I Just Automatically Think of Mosquitoes” - Fatal Exposure (1989) - Film #163


There are times when a filmmaker takes a risk by combining multiple genres, and the result is a refreshing step above the limitations of any of its genres. Such is the case with director Peter B. Good's Fatal Exposure (1989), a shot-on-video mixture of late-night soft-core antics and gore movies.

While some critics in your universe appreciate the film, others do not. For example, reviewer Chouty writes, "If you want to see a bunch of cheap Special FX with no class, rent this movie. But I wouldn't waste my $2.00 on it." And reviewer JimInDC writes, "Photographer kidnaps and kills models while his dense girlfriend procures more victims without having any clue as to what he is doing. Made on a $1.59 budget."

Read on for an appreciation of the many charms of Fatal Exposure...

Thursday, November 28, 2019

Happy Thanksgiving!



Happy Thanksgiving!
Now go watch Blood Rage (1987) ...

  


Monday, November 25, 2019

"Expect Your Enemy Any Time, Any Place" - The Stay Awake (1988) - Film #162


For those audience members interested in combining a slasher movie with the 1980s sitcom The Facts of Life, The Stay Awake (1988) fits the bill nicely. The film introduces a supernatural killer with the ambitious goal of ravaging and, for some reason, marrying schoolgirls.

With such an original plot, I would expect your universe's critics to view The Stay Awake favorably. I would be wrong. Reviewer Shadow_Destiny writes, "I wish I never saw it! This movie is easily summed up in one word... Boring! The first hour or so of the movie is just a bunch of girls talking and goofing around." (How could such a thing be boring?) The next day, Shadow_Destiny posted another review of the same film, adding, "The only reason I would recommend this movie is if you are suffering from insomnia... because this movie WON"T make you stay awake!" On a related note, a reviewer with the name insomniac_rod writes, "Please avoid this one at all costs. There's nothing good about it..."

Continue reading to hear the truth about The Stay Awake...

Monday, November 18, 2019

"So We'll Miss the Food Part. Who Cares?" - End of the World (1977) - Film #161


It is time (past time, if you ask me) to explore one of Charles Band's early films as a producer, a collaboration with the great Christopher Lee called End of the World (1977), a science fiction classic produced one year before one of Mr. Band's breakout hits, Laserblast (1978).

As usual, brilliance tends to go unrecognized by your universe's film critics. Reviewer buddydavis writes, "this movie is truly almost unwatchable due to the disjointed script and plot, poor effects and sound, poor image quality (the image is so dark it is almost impossible to view many of the scenes)..." Reviewer vampi1960 writes inaccurately, "like tentacles(77) a good cast does not mean it'll be a good film." And reviewer Maciste_Brother writes, "Wow, END OF THE WORLD is a singularly underwhelming cinematic experience."

Please read on...