Monday, May 3, 2021

“You Mean We’re Going to Turn into Something Weird?” - Shocking Dark (1989) - Film #203


It is something of a sad occasion to discuss the final collaboration between director Bruno Mattei and writer Claudio Fragasso (as well as his wife, Rossella Drudi, uncredited as usual), 1989's Shocking Dark (aka Terminator II). While the film is notable for its environmentalist and anti-corporate messages, its similarities to the far inferior James Cameron movies Aliens (1986) and The Terminator (1984) make it a case study in deconstructionism.

Some of your universe's top critics fail to appreciate the film, as usual. Reviewer bowmanblue writes, "There is really little here to recommend in terms of actually watching a decent film." Reviewer vinny_the_hack writes, "It's the kind of movie that you marvel at the thought that anyone connected to the project could possibly have believed that they were actually involved with a legitimate movie." And reviewer kempton_joshua writes, "This film is so objectively awful that I just...I can't even begin to describe it."

Read on for an appreciation of Mr. Mattei and Mr. Fragasso's interpretation of the classic monsters vs. marines story...

Monday, April 19, 2021

“It’s Fossilized. That’s Why It’s So Well Preserved." - Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985) - Film #202

Amid a plethora of films with the word "dinosaur" in the title aimed at children, Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985) stands out by featuring gore, copious nudity, and rape -- not to mention an absence of actual dinosaurs. Michele Massimo Tarantini's Brazil-set film is sometimes described as an Italian cannibal film, but I detected no cannibalism. Rather, I found the film to be another charming, innovative blending of genres, something at which the Italian film industry excels.

Reviewer serenity3000 writes, "Don't waste your time watching this crap." Reviewer bombersflyup writes, "It's silly and stupid with woeful dialogue." And reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "With a fraction of the gore that fans have come to expect from the genre...particularly dreadful acting, and a group of unlikeable characters you actually look forward to seeing being eaten alive, I found Tarantini's movie to be one of the weakest Italian cannibal films I have seen."

Read on for the truth about Massacre in Dinosaur Valley...

Monday, April 5, 2021

“Sailing, Tennis, Discoing Till Dawn” - Cruel Jaws (1995) - Film #201

It is time to revisit the well of quality that is the film factory of Mr. Bruno Mattei. This time, we will look at the master's shark film homage/remix from 1995, Cruel Jaws. 

Reviewer grkamerican1984 writes, "this movie is just so BAD, it's a wonder Universal Pictures didn't sue" (implying that in your universe a studio can sue because another studio makes a bad film). Reviewer camarossdriver writes, "There is not one good redeeming thing you can say about this train wreck of a movie." And reviewer jorgito2001 writes, "Cruel Jaws is just poorly made, overly long, and BORING!" While it is perhaps unfair to highlight reviewers for criticizing a film they clearly did not understand, please read on for the truth about Cruel Jaws...

Monday, March 22, 2021

“I’ve Lived Among the Woods All My Life” - Contamination .7 (1993) - Film #200

The oddly named Contamination .7 (1993) aka The Crawlers is the next cinematic gem we must discuss on Senseless Cinema. Perhaps a sequel or prequel to Luigi Cozzi's Contamination (1980) aka Alien Contamination, Contamination .7 was directed by Fabrizio Laurenti and Joe D'Amato aka Aristide Massaccesi. Filmed in Utah, the movie is possibly one of the finest examples of Eurohorror in the 1990s.

Not all of your universe's critics agree with my assessment, however. Reviewer Melaugh writes, "The pain felt while watching this movie is almost life changing. From the acting, writing direction, and god awful special effects, this movie failed on every conceivable level." Reviewer capkronos writes, "Though thoroughly inept, it's also boring, clichéd, slow-moving and far too tame to really be enjoyable." And reviewer tmccull52 writes, "This movie wasn't just bad, it was stupefyingly, mind-numbingly bad."

Read on for the truth about Contamination .7...

Monday, March 8, 2021

“What a Scurvy Looking Broad” - Angel of Vengeance (1987) - Film #199

Initiated by Ray Dennis Steckler and reportedly completed by Ted V. Mikels when Mr. Steckler was fired, Angel of Vengeance (1987) is a collaboration between two of the finest desert-based exploitation directors of the 1970s and 1980s. Of course, as usual, some critics fail to appreciate this revenge-oriented action film. For example, reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "the awful execution lets this film's something of a chore to sit through, and definitely what you'd call Z-grade." Reviewer action film-2 writes, "The acting ranges from fair to poor." And reviewer Michael_Elliott writes, "There's no drama or suspense so add this to the fact that you don't care about the characters and it's hard to really hold any interest in the film."

Read on for an appreciation of Ted V. Mikels's Angel of Vengeance...

Monday, February 22, 2021

“Must Have Been Some Phone Pervert” - Shadows Run Black (1984) - Film #198

Following in the footsteps of The Zodiac Killer (1971) and to a lesser extent Another Son of Sam (1977), Shadows Run Black (1984, or 1981, or 1986?) is an exploitation slasher film that takes some of its contents from recent true-life serial killings, in this case the Night Stalker murders terrorizing Los Angeles in 1984, despite the fact that it begins as a deep-woods slasher film.

As usual, some of your universe's critics have reviewed Shadows Run Black poorly. For example, reviewer davido-2 writes, "The dodgy lighting and wooden sets are here in all their glory,obviously a very low-budget effort all round." Reviewer Angelus-16 calls the film "One of the very worst slasher films ever made." And reviewer Coventry writes, "'Shadows Run Black' is a misogynic, incoherent, clichéd, zero-budgeted and laughably inept slasher attempt."

Read on for the truth about Shadows Run Black...

Monday, February 8, 2021

"I’m Tired of You Stumblebumming Around Here Day After Day" - The Night of the Strangler (1972) - Film #197

The legendary Mickey Dolenz was not, surprisingly, a prolific movie star. Four years after the end of his TV series The Monkees, however, he starred in Joy N. Houck Jr.'s The Night of the Strangler (1972), a hard-hitting, gritty drama that confronted 1970s racism head-on.

Not all your universe's critics appreciate such sharp drama. For example, reviewer Wizard-8 writes, “The movie is kind of slow and sluggish, padded out with a lot of filler, so much so that some characters are off the screen for significant portions of time."Reviewer AlsExGal writes, “The acting is bad, the script is worse, and the filmmaking comes in dead last.” And reviewer a-chinn writes, “It's a super cheap production without any real scares or suspense."

Read on...

Monday, January 25, 2021

“I’ll Come Looking For You to Feed on Your Intestines” - Zombie 4: After Death (1989) - Film #196

At the risk of covering only Claudio Fragasso films in order to pay appropriate tribute to the master, let us turn to Claudio Fragasso's Zombie 4: After Death (1989), part of the film "series" originated either by Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2/Zombie/Zombie Flesh Eaters (1980) or George Romero's Dawn of the Dead/Zombi (1978). As always, Mr. Fragasso and his wife Rosella Drudi effortlessly put their own stamp on a film that might be considered constrained by the expectations of the genre.

Some critics are uncharitable about Mr. Fragasso's film (one might even jump to the conclusion that critics are biased against Mr. Fragasso). For example, reviewer alanbill1074 writes, "Having been a huge fan of the original Zombie Flesh Eaters, this film was a bitter disappointment, bearing absolutely no connection to the first film. The acting and direction are below par, even for low budget horror, and the 'zombies' are laughable." Reviewer Maciste_Brother writes, "Anyway, it's only worth seeing if you're a horror completist, enjoy Euro horror or are a zombie freak. No one else should see this abomination." And reviewer RashaTheGreat writes, "This movie represents the absolute lowest point in Italian Zombie cinema."

Read on for the truth about Zombie 4: After Death...

Monday, January 11, 2021

“I Can’t Understand Why Things Like This Go On” - Another Son of Sam (1977) - Film #195

One subgenre that consistently contributes more than its fair share to the quality of world cinema is the protoslasher that references real serial killers. While arguably less focused on real-world crimes than The Zodiac Killer (1971), Dave Adams's Another Son of Sam (1977) is a sincere and successful attempt to scare its audience by showing them that dangerous killers can exist in even the most mundane places.

Some critics are oddly unimpressed with Dave Adams's vision of realism. For example, reviewer Wizard-8 writes, "For the most part this movie will test the patience of even the most forgiving viewers." Reviewer snicewanger writes, "I don't know whose idea it was to make this film, but they should be locked in a padded room." And reviewer jellopuke is so unimpressed, I will quote the entirety of their misguided review: "This is incredibly amateurish in all ways with a terrible script, terribly edited (with strange freeze frames everywhere), terrible actors giving terrible dialogue, and a beyond boring pace. STAY FAR AWAY. This is 75 minutes of your life you will never get back. Do ANYthing else with your precious time on this earth. PLEASE."

In actuality, one could hardly find a more productive use of 75 minutes than viewing Another Son of Sam. Read on to find out why...

Monday, December 28, 2020

“It’s a Natural Brother-Sister-Girlfriend Thing” - The Chill Factor (1993) - Film #194

Let us turn to 1993's The Chill Factor, in which a fun-loving group of snowmobilers gets more than they bargained for (in fact, they did no bargaining) when they are forced to take shelter in a snowbound lodge.

Some of your universe's critics are less than charitable in their views of The Chill Factor. For example, reviewer mariajonasfahlsing writes, "Bad special effects, terribly cheesy soundtrack...forgettable characters, a narrator who sounds like he/she (I can't tell) smoked 3 packs a day from birth, and a non-ending (rather, the movie just stops with no real explanation as to what happened or why), I am so glad that this awful flick is over." Reviewer ethyl ester writes, "As far as acting go [sic], this movie was the pits." And reviewer ThyDavideth writes, "The Chill Factor is a movie that laughably tries so desperately to be serious and boy can you hear it through its serious narration from a woman that sounds like she smoked one too many cigarettes."

Please read on for a more realistic appreciation of The Chill Factor...

Monday, December 14, 2020

“Change Our Name and Live on Beans” - Deadly Love (1987) - Film #193

Let us now return to the world of Michael S. O'Rourke, writer/director of Moonstalker (1989) and writer of Hellgate (1989). We will take up his earlier film Deadly Love (1987), a supernatural tale of romance and revenge.

Some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate Mr. O'Rourke's work. For example, reviewer robynheavner writes, "Don't waist [sic] your time with this one. Poor wooden acting. Poor executed story line. I feel [sic] asleep." Reviewer it001k0306 writes, "Poor acting, poor lighting, poor sound, poor script. A ridiculous amount of boring flashbacks - this is bad!" And reviewer future_imperfect writes, "Slow-moving enough to induce a coma, uniformly wooden acting, with a take on the supernatural that usually only appears in bad Gothic literature and 'Scooby-Doo'. I want my 90 minutes back."

Please read on for the truth about Michael S. O'Rourke's Deadly Love...