Monday, March 25, 2019

"Like a Golf Ball Being Sucked Through a Garden Hose" - The Rift (1989)


It is time to explore the wonders of Juan Piquer Simon's The Rift (1989), one of the finest underwater monster movies released in 1989 along with Leviathan (1989), The Abyss (1989), DeepStar Six (1989), Lords of the Deep (1989), and The Evil Below (1989). Mr. Simon, who had already contributed several classics to world cinema including Pieces (1982) and Slugs (1988), created perhaps the definitive 1989 underwater monster movie in The Rift.

Some in your universe disagree about the film's classic status. For example, reviewer jiangliquings says that the film "has absolutely no redeeming values, whether it's the ridiculously bad acting, the laughably awful special effects, the incompetent direction, the stupid script, or the gratingly annoying musical score." (It must be noted that Joel Goldsmith's musical score is actually very effective.) Reviewer bonesnbraids writes, "Camera shots were pretty dull and honestly it wasn't very hard to stop watching it and walk around the room to get a snack or check email." (I will not comment on my visualization of this reviewer's movie-watching room.) And reviewer vossba-99945 writes, "The acting is so bad you can't get into the movie. Even worse than the acting is the screenplay, it's like it was written by a 10 year old." (It must be noted that some of the best screenplays are written by 10-year-olds.)

Let's avoid the negativity and experience the undersea wonder of J. P. Simon's The Rift...

Monday, March 18, 2019

"This Place Seems Spooky" - The Eyes Behind the Stars (1977)


It must be admitted that the UFO genre has produced many underrated classics, including of course UFO: Target Earth (1974). The 1970s also graced the cinemagoing public with The Eyes Behind the Stars (1977), a conspiracy thriller with such twists and turns that it is unclear whether it is occurring in England or Italy, or some other location entirely.

Examples of critics failing to understand the high, high quality of The Eyes Behind the Stars include BA_Harrison, who writes, "I can vaguely recall terrible acting, numerous protracted scenes of inane dialogue between extremely dull characters, some really crap alien costumes, and the overuse of a fish eye lens to give the effect of an alien presence, but very little else." Reviewer junk-monkey calls the film "another total waste of 90 minutes of my life." And reviewer carguychris writes, "The plot is full of holes and is nearly incoherent at times." Nearly incoherent! Ridiculous! Please read on for the truth about UFOs and The Eyes Behind the Stars...

Monday, March 11, 2019

"Railroad Guys Sitting Around by the Fire Whittlin' Wood" - Ghostkeeper (1981)


It is time to change gears a little and discuss the low-key, possibly supernatural Canada-set film Ghostkeeper (1981).

The critics of your universe and unduly harsh, as always. Reviewer itsbaylis writes, "To say the plot was flimsy would be an understatement, and frankly an insult to other flimsily plotted films. It's barely existent, let alone flimsy. There doesn't seem to BE one." Reviewer WisdomsHammer writes, "It was painful but I kept watching, hoping it would get better. Hoping for at least a good payoff at the end. That didn't happen." And reviewer anxietyresister calls the film "a sorry piece of trash that should be avoided at all costs."

Read on for a more balanced view of this chilling film...

Monday, March 4, 2019

“I Don’t Want to Lose You to Some Transvestite” - Monstrosity (1987)


Perhaps Andy Milligan's films are an acquired taste...in your universe. Although I find it hard to believe, films such as Blood (1973) and Torture Dungeon (1970) actually have many detractors among your universe's critics. Not so regarding the movie we're discussing today, Monstrosity (1987), one of Mr. Milligan's last films. Wait, I appear to be incorrect and should not have said "not so" earlier. Even at the end of his life--the culmination of his career--Mr. Milligan had his share of detractors.

For example, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "the direction is terrible, the editing clumsy and the performances amateurish." Reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "This is bargain basement stuff, embarrassingly poor in all aspects." And reviewer kinojunkie writes, "Monstrosity is a terrible film. Every aspect of it is poorly executed."

Let us continue to correct such wildly ridiculous opinions. Please read on...