Greetings! You may call me Doctor Pseudonymous. Because that is my name. Too often have I heard some horror and fantasy movies described as so strange they must be from another universe. Indeed, they are from another universe! I have perfected a way to travel from my universe, designated Universe-Prime, to your strange and primitive Universe-X to set you straight about these movies. Prepare to reconsider your senseless views on cinema.
Monday, October 28, 2019
“Get Some Buckets!” - Honeymoon Horror (1982) - Film #158
Two of the most fertile time periods for underrated cinematic classics are the periods just before and just after the slasher movie boom initiated by Halloween (1978) and Friday the 13th (1980). Honeymoon Horror (1982) is a perfect example of a clever slasher film that is woefully disrespected by your universe's top critics.
Reviewer Zantara Xenophobe writes, "There are way too many dumb points to this movie to mention....Originally, I thought about giving this film a 2, but the more I thought about it, the more I hated it." Reviewer poolandrews writes, "On a technical level the film is generally very poor and a bit of an eyesore to watch." Reviewer trashgang writes, "The acting is sometimes as wooden as it can get." Please read on to understand the true terror of Honeymoon Horror...
Monday, October 21, 2019
"These Truculent Threats Are Just a Brazen Show!" - The Survivor (1998) - Film #157
It is time to tackle the follow-up to Terminal Force (1985) aka Galaxis, which is titled The Survivor (1998) aka Terminal Force II. The Survivor features Richard Moll's return as the villainous Kyla (possibly not the same character) in a classic of post-apocalyptic action and adventure.
Of course, not all critics in your universe revere this classic. Reviewer david-233 writes simply, "You have to avoid seeing it." Reviewer davis2000 writes, "This is a terrible movie in nearly every way....Do yourself a favor and look at an empty aquarium for 90 minutes instead." And reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "THE SURVIVOR is an oddball B-movie which appears to be a badly put-together mish-mash of other, better movies."
Continue reading to experience the post-apocalyptic adventure of The Survivor...
Monday, October 14, 2019
"The Soul of Our Culture, the Antithesis of Our Ways" - Terminal Force (1995) - Film #156
Let us to return to the never-ending well of excellent films that is the low-budget science fiction epic. It is time to discuss William Mesa's Terminal Force (1995) aka Galaxis, starring the inimitable Richard Moll and the slightly-more-imitable Brigitte Nielsen.
Some of your universe’s critics fail to appreciate epic science fiction adventure. Reviewer pchap writes, “A piece of poop really!....I also have to mention one scene where the directors tried their best to pull off the night club scene from Blade Runner. Looked more like the cafeteria scene from my local senior citizen's club.” Reviewer osloj writes, “This most [sic] be one of the most stupid movies I have ever seen.” And reviewer random451 writes, “There's not a single part of film making that this movie doesn't insult.”
Read on for an unbiased look at Terminal Force...
Monday, October 7, 2019
"I Might Be Sleeping Till the Year 2001" - Lurkers (1988) - Film #155
Let's turn to Roberta Findlay's Lurkers (1988), a film with echoes of earlier supernatural films such as Rosemary's Baby (1968) and The Sentinel (1977). Ms. Findlay, wife of the late Michael Findlay whose Shriek of the Mutilated (1974) is one of the finest classics of cinema ever made (Ms. Findlay served as cinematographer on that film), directed Lurkers near the end of her directing career, just before Prime Evil (1988).
Some critics in your universe are unmoved by Ms. Findlay's work. Reviewer david-345 writes, "Lurkers is without doubt, the worst film ever made. It's not a 'so bad it's good' deal but, 'so bad it truly is a worthless peice of complete and total garbage that wasted film stock that could have been used on worthier projects' type of film." Reviewer arfdawg-1 writes (with more than a little blatant sexism), "It's really poorly directed lending support to my theory that women cannot direct. The story is fragmented and boring." And reviewer Chase_Witherspoon writes, "Amateurish and undernourished, the acting is weak and the production values limited, resulting in a lethargic thriller that's heavy on symbolism but light on actual shocks."
Read on for a more realistic view of Ms. Findlay's Lurkers...
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