Monday, October 30, 2017

"Even If It's an Atrocity, It Won't Be an Eyesore" - The Evil Within (2017)

For Halloween this year, there is only one appropriate film to discuss, and that is the late Andrew Getty’s The Evil Within (2017), a film in which Chip from the 1980s sitcom Kate & Allie becomes a serial killer with Down’s syndrome. In fact, The Evil Within is one of only a handful of modern films that approaches the heights of 1970s and 1980s cinema, when classics like The Nightmare Never Ends (1980), Shriek of the Mutilated (1974), and The Visitor (1979) were being released every year.

Although some of your universe’s critics appreciate The Evil Within, appropriately, others are less perceptive. For example, on IMDB, reviewer missaliceandro writes, with minimal clarity, “Watch at your own risk. Why did this happen.” Reviewer bobsucre writes hyperbolically, “This film takes the cake for being one of, if not the worst I’ve ever come across. The acting is beyond deplorable. The dialogue is laughable.”

Needless to say, these critics are incorrect about The Evil Within, which I shall now explore in detail sufficient to show these misguided reviewers the error of their ways.

Monday, October 23, 2017

"I'm Not Going to Guilt, I'm Going to Hell" - Frozen Scream (1975)

We now consider Frozen Scream (1975), one of my universe's classic contributions to the metaphysical horror genre. This is the first film produced by actress Renee Harmon, and it is arguably her finest and most coherently realized work.

Your universe's critics appear to disagree with my assessment. Coventry writes, "Frozen Scream is one of the most retarded movies I've ever seen and it's definitely the most useless film listed in the notorious 'Video Nasty' ranking." Reviewer jonathan-577 calls the film "disastrously chaotic, sludgy, tawdry and completely unpredictable." Reviewer HEFILM writes, "It's hard to believe this was made in 1975 or on the planet earth." (HEFILM is not quite correct: The film was made on Earth, but of course it was made on the Earth of Universe-Prime, not your primitive Universe-X.)

Let us challenge these misinformed opinions and see what a powerful philosophical statement Frozen Scream represents.

Monday, October 16, 2017

"Two Dollars Worth and Forget the Front" - Scream Bloody Murder (1973)

Can people change? Or must they accept who and where they are without the ability to make changes? That is the deep philosophical question posed by Scream Bloody Murder (1973), and the answer turns out to be much simpler than you might suppose.

Of course, many revered IMDB critics from your universe miss the deep underpinnings of the film. Itsheldy1 writes, "This movie is so slow and mind boggling that I was happy for it to get to the end." The reviewer known simply as Scott writes, "This movie has a lot of things missing in it, mainly a plot and a lot of explanations." And preppy-3 writes, "The plot doesn't make a lot of sense, there's terrible overdubbing, lousy music, pathetic dialogue and Fred Holbert is awful as the grown up Matthew."

Let us step back and see Scream Bloody Murder for what it truly is, a well considered exploration of a disturbed mind with a plot that does indeed "make sense," for whatever that is worth.

Monday, October 9, 2017

"God Bless Airplanes" - To All a Goodnight (1980)

What should one expect from a film written by the incredible melting man himself, Alex Rebar, and directed by Last House on the Left's Krug himself, David Hess? An instant classic, of course. Fortunately, the one film that meets these criteria, To All a Goodnight (1980), despite the unusual presentation of the two-word phrase "good night," meets all our expectations, and then some.

Many of your universe's critics are not moved by the holiday spirit when it comes to this film. On IMDB, capkronos writes, "This forgettable horror film wraps up with a pathetic and desperate twist ending." (How can a twist ending, or any ending for that matter, be desperate, capkronos?) Also on IMDB, gwnightscream writes, "This film is disappointing. Many scenes are dark which makes me want to go to sleep, the characters are unlikable...the editing stinks and the ending is kind of predictable and ridiculous." Michael_Elliott writes, "it's a pretty sluggish affair because there are obviously all kinds of corners being cut. It's obvious watching the film because some scenes just appear to be first takes that they had to use because they didn't have more time."

It would likely take more than holiday spirit for these reviewers to come to their senses regarding this film, so I will describe its praiseworthy qualities in as much detail as I can muster.

Monday, October 2, 2017

"My Name Means 'Island,' You Know" - Dark Waves (2016)

As we did with The Night Shift (2016), occasionally it becomes necessary to look at a modern cinematic masterpiece in order to be reminded that cinema is not dead, buried, and entirely decomposed. With that in mind, we will now consider Dark Waves (2016) aka Bellerofonte (which is not, alas, a biopic about the beloved calypso singer).

Unusually, this film has no reviews on IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes, so I will take the step of quoting reviews from the cineastes at Amazon. For example, Catpeople writes, "There plot, just random artsy scenes that didn't tie together. When I saw 'zombie pirates' I expected more." Helene Dufft writes, with charmingly arbitrary punctuation, "Boring,,no plot,,n the acting was awful !!!!" Reviewer James simply writes, "Not."

While it will no doubt be difficult to counter such incisive arguments, I will attempt to describe the work of art that is Dark Waves.