Monday, December 30, 2019

“It’s Just Not Cool When a Guy Just Honks His Horn” - The Zodiac Killer (1971) - Film #167

We have not yet explored one of the most famous and fascinatingly unique films of all time, pizza restauranteur Tom Hanson's The Zodiac Killer (1971) aka Zodiac, one of a handful of films made as a plot by a private citizen to provide the public service of catching a serial killer.

Reviewer preppy-3 writes, "It's all too obvious padding--and boring padding at that! There's also tons of misogynistic comments, terrible dialogue, low production values and unsure direction." Reviewer wilburscott writes, "Obviously made by people who were not too hip to film-making, the film is shoddy and poorly shot." And reviewer utgard14 writes, "It's got some grit, I'll give it that, but it's all just so cheap, slow, and dull that I couldn't enjoy it."

Read on to find out more about The Zodiac Killer...

Monday, December 23, 2019

“A Message Board for Weirdos” - Dial Code Santa Claus (1990) - Film #166

In the holiday season, the film lover's thoughts turn to holiday classics. Last year, Senseless Cinema looked at the British classic Don't Open Till Christmas (1984). This year, we consider Rene Manzon's Dial Code Santa Claus (1990).

In a turn of events that might be considered a holiday miracle, even your universe's critics love Dial Code Santa Claus. As I am unable to find any negative reviews of this classic, read on to see why the film is so beloved...

Monday, December 16, 2019

“If There’s a Heaven, She’s Got a Box Seat” - Doom Asylum (1988) - Film #165

One of the most difficult of genres is the horror comedy. Let us turn to one of the finest examples of this genre, a film which succeeds based on its calculated risk of making the horror only mildly horrific and the comedy even less amusing. The film is Doom Asylum (1988), an early film directed by Richard Friedman, veteran of TV shows such as Tales from the Darkside and Friday the 13th: The Series, not to mention feature films such as Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge (1989).

Of course, some critics do not appreciate comedy or horror. For example, reviewer dood15 writes, " i think this is really the worst movie i've ever seen. no plot, horrible effects, just plain bad." Reviewer Mr Blue-4 writes, "There might be a worse movie out there than this one, but I wouldn't want to see it. This is bad enough. Completely unfunny, and needless to say unscary, horror spoof of slasher films." And reviewer paul_haakonsen writes, "This movie was a horror comedy of sorts, but it failed on both fronts. There was nothing funny about it, and I wasn't laughing even a single time. Nor were there any real horror to it, unless you count some questionable slasher feature as being proper horror."

Despite these reviews, please read on to find out the truth about the rediscovered gem Doom Asylum...

Monday, December 9, 2019

“Things Just Sort of Pop Into It” - Night Vision (1987) - Film #164

When last we visited the mean streets of Denver, it was to celebrate the late Michael Krueger's Mindkiller (1987). Let us now visit Mr. Krueger's ambitious follow-up, Night Vision, released the same year.

Reviewer kannibalcorpsegrinder writes, "Among the many problems with this one is that there's just not enough screen-time here to really get invested in the horror angle behind this one as far too much time is taken up with lame and non- frightening scenarios that just don't give off any true horror feel from any of the scenes." Reviewer yourmotheratemydog715 writes, "It's actually very slow-moving, nothing much really happens, it completely shies away from gore and nudity, and it's not really even a horror movie." And reviewer liefcs writes, "Poor acting, virtually non-existent script, and also makes the mistake of taking itself seriously."

Heaven forbid anything take itself seriously! Read on for the truth about Michael Krueger's Night Vision...

Monday, December 2, 2019

“I Just Automatically Think of Mosquitoes” - Fatal Exposure (1989) - Film #163

There are times when a filmmaker takes a risk by combining multiple genres, and the result is a refreshing step above the limitations of any of its genres. Such is the case with director Peter B. Good's Fatal Exposure (1989), a shot-on-video mixture of late-night soft-core antics and gore movies.

While some critics in your universe appreciate the film, others do not. For example, reviewer Chouty writes, "If you want to see a bunch of cheap Special FX with no class, rent this movie. But I wouldn't waste my $2.00 on it." And reviewer JimInDC writes, "Photographer kidnaps and kills models while his dense girlfriend procures more victims without having any clue as to what he is doing. Made on a $1.59 budget."

Read on for an appreciation of the many charms of Fatal Exposure...

Thursday, November 28, 2019

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!
Now go watch Blood Rage (1987) ...


Monday, November 25, 2019

"Expect Your Enemy Any Time, Any Place" - The Stay Awake (1988) - Film #162

For those audience members interested in combining a slasher movie with the 1980s sitcom The Facts of Life, The Stay Awake (1988) fits the bill nicely. The film introduces a supernatural killer with the ambitious goal of ravaging and, for some reason, marrying schoolgirls.

With such an original plot, I would expect your universe's critics to view The Stay Awake favorably. I would be wrong. Reviewer Shadow_Destiny writes, "I wish I never saw it! This movie is easily summed up in one word... Boring! The first hour or so of the movie is just a bunch of girls talking and goofing around." (How could such a thing be boring?) The next day, Shadow_Destiny posted another review of the same film, adding, "The only reason I would recommend this movie is if you are suffering from insomnia... because this movie WON"T make you stay awake!" On a related note, a reviewer with the name insomniac_rod writes, "Please avoid this one at all costs. There's nothing good about it..."

Continue reading to hear the truth about The Stay Awake...

Monday, November 18, 2019

"So We'll Miss the Food Part. Who Cares?" - End of the World (1977) - Film #161

It is time (past time, if you ask me) to explore one of Charles Band's early films as a producer, a collaboration with the great Christopher Lee called End of the World (1977), a science fiction classic produced one year before one of Mr. Band's breakout hits, Laserblast (1978).

As usual, brilliance tends to go unrecognized by your universe's film critics. Reviewer buddydavis writes, "this movie is truly almost unwatchable due to the disjointed script and plot, poor effects and sound, poor image quality (the image is so dark it is almost impossible to view many of the scenes)..." Reviewer vampi1960 writes inaccurately, "like tentacles(77) a good cast does not mean it'll be a good film." And reviewer Maciste_Brother writes, "Wow, END OF THE WORLD is a singularly underwhelming cinematic experience."

Please read on...

Monday, November 11, 2019

"I Said a Lot of Things. Get Out." - Curse II: The Bite (1998) - Film #160

In 1987, actor David Keith directed his first film, The Curse, an Italian-produced film that can only be described as a lackluster adaptation of H. P. Lovecraft's The Colour Out of Space. While Mr. Keith would go on to direct and star in the creatively more successful The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck (1988), the producers (a list that includes cinematic legends Ovidio Assonitis, Moshe Diamant, and Lucio Fulci) would continue the Curse franchise with the superior Curse II: The Bite in 1998, hiring Frederico Prosperi, the producer of Wild Beasts (1984) to direct. The result was a slow-burn body horror film involving a snakebite and a hand transforming into a snake, though in fact no trace of a curse.

As is usually the case, many of your universe's esteemed critics are wrong about this film. For example, reviewer DarthBob writes, "The special effects are terrible and overcompensated for by being way more gooey and graphic than they needed to be. I've seen episodes of 'Perfect Strangers' that were more suspensful." Reviewer callanvass writes, "This is stupendously awful stuff." And reviewer michaelRokeefe writes, " It is not scary, not meant to be funny and lacks anything much redeemable."

Read on to see exactly why these critics are wrong...

Monday, November 4, 2019

“This New Twist is Really Giving Me the Willies” - Unhinged (1982) - Film #159

It is time to visit the 1982 slasher film Unhinged, a film that incorporates many aspects of the protoslasher despite being released well into the slasher boom of the early 1980s.

Many of your universe's critics fail to appreciate this suspense classic. Reviewer spastickitchen writes, "The plot is actually not the worst I've seen, but it's close. The acting is not the worst I've seen either...but it's close. The production .... well, I can honestly say that it was the worst I had ever seen in my life!" Reviewer soggycow writes, "One of the things that makes this movie awful is the acting. Lisa Munson, who plays the main character, looks as though she is reading her lines off cue cards." And reviewer startide77 writes, "This film is without a doubt the most inept attempt at film making I've ever seen."

Of course, the film is not inept in any way. Read on for more details...

Monday, October 28, 2019

“Get Some Buckets!” - Honeymoon Horror (1982) - Film #158

Two of the most fertile time periods for underrated cinematic classics are the periods just before and just after the slasher movie boom initiated by Halloween (1978) and Friday the 13th (1980). Honeymoon Horror (1982) is a perfect example of a clever slasher film that is woefully disrespected by your universe's top critics.

Reviewer Zantara Xenophobe writes, "There are way too many dumb points to this movie to mention....Originally, I thought about giving this film a 2, but the more I thought about it, the more I hated it." Reviewer poolandrews writes, "On a technical level the film is generally very poor and a bit of an eyesore to watch." Reviewer trashgang writes, "The acting is sometimes as wooden as it can get." Please read on to understand the true terror of Honeymoon Horror...

Monday, October 21, 2019

"These Truculent Threats Are Just a Brazen Show!" - The Survivor (1998) - Film #157

It is time to tackle the follow-up to Terminal Force (1985) aka Galaxis, which is titled The Survivor (1998) aka Terminal Force II. The Survivor features Richard Moll's return as the villainous Kyla (possibly not the same character) in a classic of post-apocalyptic action and adventure.

Of course, not all critics in your universe revere this classic. Reviewer david-233 writes simply, "You have to avoid seeing it." Reviewer davis2000 writes, "This is a terrible movie in nearly every way....Do yourself a favor and look at an empty aquarium for 90 minutes instead." And reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "THE SURVIVOR is an oddball B-movie which appears to be a badly put-together mish-mash of other, better movies."

Continue reading to experience the post-apocalyptic adventure of The Survivor...

Monday, October 14, 2019

"The Soul of Our Culture, the Antithesis of Our Ways" - Terminal Force (1995) - Film #156

Let us to return to the never-ending well of excellent films that is the low-budget science fiction epic. It is time to discuss William Mesa's Terminal Force (1995) aka Galaxis, starring the inimitable Richard Moll and the slightly-more-imitable Brigitte Nielsen.

Some of your universe’s critics fail to appreciate epic science fiction adventure. Reviewer pchap writes, “A piece of poop really!....I also have to mention one scene where the directors tried their best to pull off the night club scene from Blade Runner. Looked more like the cafeteria scene from my local senior citizen's club.” Reviewer osloj writes, “This most [sic] be one of the most stupid movies I have ever seen.” And reviewer random451 writes, “There's not a single part of film making that this movie doesn't insult.”

Read on for an unbiased look at Terminal Force...

Monday, October 7, 2019

"I Might Be Sleeping Till the Year 2001" - Lurkers (1988) - Film #155

Let's turn to Roberta Findlay's Lurkers (1988), a film with echoes of earlier supernatural films such as Rosemary's Baby (1968) and The Sentinel (1977). Ms. Findlay, wife of the late Michael Findlay whose Shriek of the Mutilated (1974) is one of the finest classics of cinema ever made (Ms. Findlay served as cinematographer on that film), directed Lurkers near the end of her directing career, just before Prime Evil (1988).

Some critics in your universe are unmoved by Ms. Findlay's work. Reviewer david-345 writes, "Lurkers is without doubt, the worst film ever made. It's not a 'so bad it's good' deal but, 'so bad it truly is a worthless peice of complete and total garbage that wasted film stock that could have been used on worthier projects' type of film." Reviewer arfdawg-1 writes (with more than a little blatant sexism), "It's really poorly directed lending support to my theory that women cannot direct. The story is fragmented and boring." And reviewer Chase_Witherspoon writes, "Amateurish and undernourished, the acting is weak and the production values limited, resulting in a lethargic thriller that's heavy on symbolism but light on actual shocks."

Read on for a more realistic view of Ms. Findlay's Lurkers...

Monday, September 30, 2019

"Quite the Dick, Aren't You?" - Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) - Film # 154

After viewing Ted A. Bohus's special effects work in Mindkiller (1987), let us move on to a film produced by Mr. Bohus as a follow-up to The Deadly Spawn (1983), Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) (no relation to George Eastman's Metamorphosis, also released in 1990).

Some of your universe's critics are typically blind to the quality of this film. Reviewer vyl writes, "This movie is crap. How else can I put it? Its... beyond bad? This movie is the ultimate badness. It has all the elements of a sub-B-grade movie." Reviewer phantasmda writes, under the ridiculously hyperbolic title "Definitely the worst film ever made," "I can't say I have ever seen a horror movie quite this bad and I consider myself a fairly tolerant person. Some films are so poor that they become laughably enjoyable or mildly entertaining and then there's this, which is just downright painful." And reviewer papadeltazulu writes, "It really is an awful film, I borrowed this from a friend who told me how bad it was, so I thought I'd see for myself, hoping it was one of those so bad it's good flicks. Nope, it's just so bad it's really bad and I felt ripped off despite the fact I watched it for free."

Please read on to learn the truth...

Monday, September 23, 2019

"What Plane? And What's Dangerous?" - Flying Virus (2001) - Film #153

The themes of animals attacking man and nature attacking man always make for compelling cinema, so it is time to turn to the recent classic Flying Virus (2001) aka Killer Buzz, a modern killer bee movie/airplane disaster movie with a fantastic cast that includes Gabrielle Anwar, Rutger Hauer, David Naughton, Craig Sheffer, and Duncan Regehr. In addition to the cast, the film features international locales (Brazil, and the airspace above Brazil), adding to its classic status.

Some critics are not "on board" with Flying Virus's many charms. Reviewer klaseriksson79 writes, "This is the worst movie I've seen in a long while. The story wasn't exciting at all, the scenes inside the plane were terribly unrealistic." Reviewer bhsfacebook writes (both cleverly and uncharitably), "Terrible writing, worse acting, and gratuitous explosions make this a perfect swarm of awfulness. This may be the worst film Rutger Hauer ever made. That's saying something." And reviewer illusionbox writes, "It started bad and become only worse and worse....among the worst rubbish I've ever seen."

It is time to put things right and explain the many, many qualities of the modern classic Flying Virus. Please read on...

Monday, September 16, 2019

"I've Spent Most of My Life Looking for This Blood" - Project: Metalbeast (1995) - Film #152

Who among us has not contemplated attaining superpowers through the injection of werewolf blood and the application of synthetic metal skin? Fortunately, the Barry Bostwick vehicle (not to be confused, of course, with this Barry Bostwick vehicle) Project: Metalbeast is here to fulfill our hearts' desires.

Some of your universe's critics are unbelievably negative about this film. Reviewer frodave writes that "the movie is a downward spiral into the abyss of film making. What possible reasoning any producer, director, or writer could have for involving themselves in this disaster of a movie escapes me. I would like to get in contact with the filmmakers and request compensation for my time and brain cells wasted." Reviewer KizerSouza writes, "This movie is pure garbage. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue absurd, the plot asinine, and that's the good stuff!" And reviewer bhcesi writes long-windedly, "There are no words to describe the symphony of stupidity this movies presents to us, the audience. The cast was mediocre at best and their acting skills were the same. The storyline, at times, doesn't make any sense, and there are contradictions left and right. There are points made in the course of the movie that simply don't compute, and the ending was laughable."

Of course, now you must read on to experience the truth...

Monday, September 9, 2019

“Who’s to Know What’s Real and What Isn’t?” - The Legend of Spider Forest (1971) - Film #151

Let us turn to Peter Sykes's The Legend of Spider Forest (1971) aka Venom aka Spider's Venom. To get it out of the way, yes, there are spiders in this film, not to mention a forest, a lumber mill, and cows with flower wreaths on their heads. These qualities should tell you nearly all you need to know about the film's classic status.

Oddly, many of your universe's critics disagree that it is a classic. For example, reviewer manchester_england2004 (the best critics have places and times for names) writes, "The whole production has the feeling of everyone simply going through the motions....Overall, VENOM is a very boring film." Reviewer the_void, who mistakes Peter Sykes for Peter Sasdy, writes, "The film really does make little sense and while the fantasy elements of it might have lifted it out of the bottom of the barrel, they unfortunately don't." And reviewer platypuschow writes, "It all sounds fairly interesting but the delivery is awful, worse than I could actually put into words. Sure the cast are competent enough, but they can't save a movie with the writing quality of a Sharknado (2013) film."

Is platypuschow correct (as is so often the case)? No. Not at all. Read on for all the details...

Monday, September 2, 2019

"He's Playing a Different Game Than the Rest of Us. Over." - Shakma (1990) - Film #150

Who is the king of the animals-attack films? Of course, the only answer is Mr. Christopher Atkins, star of Beaks (1986) and the classic we are discussing today, Shakma (1990). Director Hugh Parks's film combines the timely elements of live action role playing games, animal vivisection, and Roddy McDowall to create a claustrophobic suspense film that makes audiences redefine their relationship with baboons.

Oddly, not all of your universe's critics are in love with Shakma. For example, reviewer dancor writes poetically, under the headline "An all time low in film making, even for a B movie," "Camera work is like a Kentucky chicken farm home-movie about Fido, the family basset hound, who celebrated his 5th birthday, and got a bite from the prise winning rooster, filmed with a VHS-C camera." Reviewer SpiderPants calls the movie an "idiotic monstrosity of a film." And reviewer Varboro writes with impeccable logic, "Maybe it was necessary to make a movie about a killer baboon...but there is no need to watch it."

Read on for an unbiased look at the terrors of medical research on baboons...

Monday, August 26, 2019

"The Hate of a Woman Can Be Very Bad" - Delirium (1987) - Film #149

It is time to return to the Italian giallo film (aka jello film) with Lamberto Bava's nudity-filled classic Delirium (1987), aka The Photo of Gioia.

Even though the film was directed by the acknowledged master Lamberto Bava (refer to Graveyard Disturbance, also 1987), critics in your universe are bafflingly unreceptive to the charms of Delirium. Reviewer plan9-149-959814 (whose name flows beautifully off the tongue) writes, "Maybe it was titillating back the pre-internet 80s, but by today's standards it's nothing special whatsoever." Reviewer lightcaster1 writes (under the headline "Worst Bava film ever!!!!"), "It is as terrible as it could be." (Utter nonsense!) And reviewer VincentElgar writes blasphemously, "Things are not helped by a truly appalling synth-based score by Simon Bosworth and some ludicrous makeup effects."

Let us dive into the film in more detail...

Monday, August 19, 2019

“You’ve Seen All Kinds of Dead Deer Before” - Bloodbeat (1981) - Film #148

As everyone knows, Wisconsin has always been a major center of film production that has produced a high proportion of classic films--and that is true just based on the output of Bill Rebane alone. Let us now look at the horror film Bloodbeat (1981) aka Blood Beat, directed by Fabrice Zaphiratos.

Oddly, even some of your universe's critics are immune to the charms of rural Wisconsin. Reviewer lthseldy1 writes, "I found this movie to be one of the most boring slow paced early 80's movies that I have ever seen." Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "I haven't the faintest idea what writer/director Fabrice A. Zaphiratos was thinking when he made this oddball horror-very little about the film makes sense-and the result is definitely one of the strangest films of the '80s." And reviewer ThyDavideth writes, "The filmmakers should of laid off the crack, heroine, meth, angel dust, acid, horse tranquilizers and so forth while making this movie."

Read on for the truth about Bloodbeat, which amply maintains the quality level for which Wisconsin filmmaking is justly renowned...

Monday, August 12, 2019

"Third-Rate Actors Go Real Far in Politics" - Mindkiller (1987) - Film #147

It is time to assess Denver-based director Michael Kruger's Mindkiller (1987).

Reviewer FieCrier writes, "The movie is pretty uneventful until towards the end when the effects of the manuscript have really taken hold. It's not worth watching." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "Yep, this is another mindless (see what I did there?) time-waster, full of lamentable performances, a cheesy sex scene, and some amusing prosthetic gore effects." And reviewer Tikkin writes that the film is "even more boring than some of the worst 80's horror flicks!"

Please read on...

Monday, August 5, 2019

“Stampeded by Rubbernecks and Souvenir Hunters” - Giant from the Unknown (1958) - Film #146

At Senseless Cinema, we rarely examine films from before the mid to late 1960s (because, apparently, all movies before 1960 are either acknowledged classics or worthless). Let us delve back into those early days of cinema to discuss Richard E. Cunha's Giant from the Unknown (1958), in which a towering giant who is well over 6 feet tall comes back from the dead to inconvenience the residents of a small mountain town.

As always, some critics are shockingly unimpressed by Giant from the Unknown. Reviewer shugaron316 writes, "This is one of the most dreadfully bad of the 50's B flicks." Reviewer khunkrumark writes, "From the stolid (not in a good way) direction and the hackneyed script, to the multiple narrative failures of the plot, there must have been better ways for Astor Pictures to squander the $50,000 budget that was set aside for this turkey, right?" And reviewer Michael_Elliott writes confusingly, "The look of the monster really didn't impress me either nor did his little outfit." (Spoiler: His outfit is not little.)

Read on for a true picture of this misunderstood giant...

Monday, July 29, 2019

“This Young Man Has an Explosive Capacity in Him” - The Reincarnate (1971) - Film #145

Canadian spirituality is the topic of only the finest cinematic classics, and 1971's The Reincarnate is no exception.

Unsurprisingly, some of your universe's critics are intellectually ill-equipped to properly respect The Reincarnate. For example, on IMDB, reviewer anxietyresister writes, "Yep, here it is.. the worst movie I've ever reviewed on this site....this is by some distance the most snoozeworthy, waste of space of a film I have seen in many a moon.. so take advantage of it's rarity by steering clear of it like a landmine on the motorway." Reviewer Rainey-Dawn writes, "The film is just overly long and boring. It's trying to be a mysterious occult horror-thriller but it fails miserably to be what it wants to be." And reviewer zeppo-2 calls the film an "overlong, overwrought, pretentious diatribe on reincarnation."

Blasphemy! Please continue reading for a more balanced opinion about the Canadian classic The Reincarnate...

Monday, July 22, 2019

"These Things Happen When They Happen" - Night Claws (2012) - Film #144

Having explored the artistic wonders of Sledge Hammer (1983), Aerobi-Cide (1987), and Deadly Prey (1987), we shall now catch up with one of the later projects of prolific director David A. Prior, who tragically died in 2015. Night Claws (2012) is an example of one of the most revered film genres, the killer bigfoot movie (see also the classics Night of the Demon, Demonwarp, Curse of Bigfoot, and The Capture of Bigfoot).

Not all of your universe's critics appreciate the simplicity and suspense of Night Claws. For example, reviewer davannacarter writes, "It's clear everyone involved with this movie knew this movie would suck. And if you watch this movie, you'll know it's gonna suck within the first 10 minutes." Reviewer brian-royer-286-857305 writes, "The writing is awful. Everything else is pretty much awful too." And reviewer bear22771 writes, "I can safely say this is the worst film i have ever had the misfortune to watch, in fact it was that bad i had to turn it off an hour into it."

Please read on for a full appreciation of late-period David A. Prior...

Monday, July 15, 2019

“Shoot Our Breakfast to Us with a Cannon” - The Crater Lake Monster (1977)

While nearly all lake/swamp/bog monster movies are bona fide classics (see, for instance, Bog and Island of the Fishmen), one of them rises above the others. Of course, I am referring to stop motion enthusiast William R. Stromberg's only directorial effort, The Crater Lake Monster (1977).

Here are some examples of your universe's top critics' reactions to the film. The famed critic swedzin writes, eloquently if incorrectly, "...don't come near this film, it's bad, boring, lame, it doesn't apply to your mind, it just repel off your head. Nothing special happens… just boring, boring stuff." Even more famed critic callanvass writes, "This is one of the worst movies i have ever seen it's EXTREMELY boring with lots of boring dialog and has some VERY annoying characters and a laughable looking creature." And the still more famed critic MooCowMo writes, "The Crater Lake Monster is easily one of the most awful, amateurish film I've ever seen."

Needless to say (as I always say), these critics are quite mistaken. Please read on to experience the wonders of The Crater Lake Monster...

Monday, July 8, 2019

“Birds Invented Flying, Remember?” - Beaks (1986)

We have not delved into the classic filmography of Mexico's Rene Cardona, Jr. since we discussed one of his finest films, The Night of 1,000 Cats (1972). Let us jump ahead 14 years to 1986 and turn to Mr. Cardona, Jr.'s similarly animal-themed film Beaks, a jet-setting adventure of international proportions starring heartthrobs Christopher Atkins and Michelle Johnson.

Some of your universe's critics are characteristically uncharitable about Beaks (also known as Beaks: The Movie, Birds of Prey, and Evil Birds, not to mention The Birds 2: The Fear in Italy). Reviewer Evil-Dead-Girl writes, "The acting was worse than I've seen at an elementary school Christmas play- the script too, for that matter." Reviewer wes-connors writes, "There are some promising scenes, but the pace and editing are astonishingly bad - perhaps no editing was done, and Mr. Cardona tried to make a movie with the footage he had." And reviewer EdYerkeRobins writes, "The acting is bad, the deaths are gory and goofy at best (although I must admit the hawk tearing one guy's eye out is pretty funny), and the thin plot is worn out within the first 10 minutes of the film, and drags on and on and on to an ending that makes no sense."

Read on to properly appreciate Rene Cardona, Jr.'s Beaks...

Monday, July 1, 2019

"Near Denver? Are They Nuts?" - The Alpha Incident (1977)

Let's return to the collection of classics made by the prolific Wisconsin filmmaker Bill Rebane (see also Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake, 1975; The Capture of Bigfoot, 1979; The Game, 1984; and of course Blood Harvest, 1987). We will now discuss The Alpha Incident (1977), a politically savvy descent into science fiction horror that involves a Martian pathogen and a lonely train depot.

Shockingly, not all of your universe's critics see The Alpha Incident for the classic that it is. Reviewer dmj245 writes, a bit awkwardly, "I've seen high school plays that had more life and action by children with little or no talent, than what this movie expresses." Reviewer BobaFett_1138 writes, with a keen sense of spelling, "The story and the dialog are both awful! The premise is really ridicules and flawed and doesn't ever has enough suspense to it." And reviewer graduatedan writes, judgementally, "I 'm not sure if the director intended this film to be a character study or a thriller, but either way, The Alpha Incident fails miserably."

Read on for a truly objective discussion of The Alpha Incident, one of Bill Rebane's finest forays into science fiction...

Monday, June 24, 2019

"Yes! But Not Really" - Necromancer (1988)

Having already sung the praises of Necromancy (1972), let us now turn to Necromancer (1988), directed by Dusty Nelson, who had made the Pittsburgh-based horror film Effects (1980) with Tom Savini and Joe Pilato before turning to martial arts films. Necromancer is a classic example of a colorful 1980s supernatural horror film, and it features the charming Russ Tamblyn.

Not everyone appreciates Necromancer, of course. Reviewer anxietyresister writes, with a measure of what might be called sexism, "a tedious affair, with fake blood & guts galore and far too many shots of blokes in their underpants." The famous reviewer Mike_T-Little_Mtn_Sound_Archive writes, "When it was released, it was pretty cheesy, but rewatching this movie 30+ years later, it just doesn't hold up." And reviewer BA_Harrison (a critic I am beginning to believe does not like any of the classics) writes that the film is "a fairly dreadful straight-to-video bottom shelf filler, with weak performances and woeful visual effects."

How dreadful is Necromancer? Not dreadful at all! Read on to see why...

Monday, June 17, 2019

"Everybody Plays Tennis" - Devil's Express (1976)

One genre that we have not given its full due here on Senseless Cinema is the blaxploitation/martial arts/monster film. Let us correct that with a discussion of Devil's Express (1976) aka Gang Wars.

Some of your universe's critics are inexplicably unkind to Devil's Express. Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "Technically inept (several scenes feature characters talking but we can hear no dialogue), poorly written (horrible jive street-talk is taken to the max) and dreadfully directed (the fight scenes are laughable), The Devil's Express is, without a doubt, a terrible film." Reviewer Bloodwank writes, "Sadly the monster scenes are quite weak and there are only a couple of gore shots." And reviewer El-Stumpo describes the film as "Bad acting, ham-fisted fighting and peppered with the most gut-wrenchingly exaggerated jive."

These critics are quite mistaken, of course. Please read on to see how mistaken they are...

Monday, June 10, 2019

“That Was the Name on the Mailbox” - Deadly Prey (1987)

Let us continue to explore the deep, deep well of quality that is the filmography of the late David A. Prior. Beyond Sledge Hammer (1983) and Aerobi-Cide (1987), we move to his action classic Deadly Prey (1987),  fine showcase for Mr. Prior’s brother Ted that also features Cameron Mitchell and Troy Donahue in pivotal roles.

Some critics are immune to Deadly Prey's considerable charms. For example, reviewer plantostickthat writes, "EVERYTHING about this movie is poor. EVERYTHING." Reviewer sunznc writes that the audience is "subjected to bad sound, bad editing, horrible dialog and a tedious, relentless 88 minutes of men chasing other men and pretending to be blown up by low budget grenades and gun fire. But the acting isn't just bad, it's PAINFUL! " And reviewer richard__ writes, "It was far and away the worst film I have ever come across. Deserves to be the #1 all-time worst ;-) No acting, no plot, very little speaking." (I would ask richard__ when "speaking" became a measure of the quality of a film. Never, that is when.)

Despite the opinions of these "critics," Deadly Prey is an acknowledged classic of the action genre, and it begs to be studied in great deal. Please read on...

Monday, June 3, 2019

"Do an Autopsy on His Face" - Aerobi-Cide aka Killer Workout (1987)

It is time to follow the career of late director David A. Prior and his actor brother Ted Prior with Aerobi-Cide (1987) aka Killer Workout. We have discussed their first film, Sledge Hammer (1983), but it must be said that his third film, Aerobi-Cide, could be considered an even more accomplished film.

Unfortunately, not all of your universe's critics can be unbiased about Aerobi-Cide. For example, a reviewer coincidentally named KillerWorkout writes, "This movie is without a doubt the worst horror movie I've ever seen." Similarly, reviewer runiously writes, "This is the worst slasher film I have ever seen." And reviewer impossiblehim writes, "The plot is paper thin and ridiculous, the acting is an abomination, the script is completely laughable."

Read on for a deep discussion of this classic film, including the lyrics to several of its memorable workout songs...

Monday, May 27, 2019

“An Hysterical Woman on My Back" - Carnival of Blood (1970)

Not to be confused with Malatesta's Carnival of Blood (1973) or Carnival of Souls (1962) or Carnival of Souls (1998) or Carnival of Crime (1962) or Blood Circus (1981) or Circus of Horrors (1960), Carnival of Blood (1970) is a chilling and violent mystery featuring the big screen debut of Oscar nominee Burt Young.

Several critics from your universe confuse the film's raw power with something else. For example, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "Sluggish pacing and terrible acting from all involved make the film a real challenge to sit through, but Carnival of Blood's biggest problem is its repetitiveness." Reviewer TheLittleSongbird writes, "The movie is very clumsily edited with lighting that does nothing to enhance the mood and very amateurish-looking effects." And reviewer preppy-3 writes, "The dialogue is terrible and the acting is even worse."

Please read on for a discussion of the complexities of taxi driver and adult film impresario Leonard Kirtman's Carnival of Blood...

Monday, May 20, 2019

“He’s Just Irish Like Most of Them Up Here” - Savage Weekend (1978)

Let us return to that proverbial diamond mine of high-quality films--the rural protoslasher--and discuss 1978's Savage Weekend, featuring acting powerhouses David Gale and William Sanderson in supporting roles.

Reviewer coventry writes, "This movie is bad, and not just low-budget bad but really BAD to the third degree. We're talking incoherent screenplay, insufferable characters, long stretches of boredom where absolutely nothing happens, predictable twists, laughable killing sequences and utterly senseless dialogs." Reviewer chrisbrown6453 writes, "What the heck is this? Is this even a horror film?....I feel as though I've lost 5% brain cells having watched this crap." And reviewer greenflea2 writes, "Other than the sex and boobs, the story is completed trash, low budget and daft."

Read on to discover the truth about Savage Weekend...

Monday, May 13, 2019

“Not Exactly a Norman Rockwell” - Silent Madness (1984)

It is time to discuss the classic Silent Madness (1984) aka Silent Madness in 3-D, starring the charming Belinda Montgomery of Man from Atlantis fame. Made by one of the directors who contributed to the infamous movie Snuff (1975), Silent Madness is one of the finer slasher films of 1984.

Some critics refuse to admit that Silent Madness is a classic. Reviewer BA_Harrison writes that the film is "over-talky, virtually bloodless, and lacking in style." Reviewer dagonseve writes, somewhat confusingly, "Silent Madness is a mistake of a can easily be shelved into the Z-grade bank of Slasher-types made possible by hack directors who treated the genre like a playground for Down syndrome children. This colossal number of mishaps supersedes a figure unimaginable." And reviewer Coventry writes, "Admittedly most contemporary teen slasher movies suffer from a lack of originality, but Simon Nuchtern's film is truly an amassment of clichés, stereotypes, predictable plot twists and trite killings."

Read on if you want to know the truth about colossal mishaps and unimaginable figures and trite killings...

Monday, May 6, 2019

“Could We Have a Dracula Running Loose Out There?” - Bog (1979)

Classic Wisconsin cinema is not limited to the masterworks of Bill Rebane (see The Capture of Bigfoot, 1979; The Game, 1984; and Blood Harvest, 1987) or to the charms of The Pit (1981). One of the finest Wisconsin films is Don Keeslar's Bog (1979), a film that shares similarities with Bill Rebane's earlier Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake (1975), but which adds fascinating actors like Aldo Ray, Gloria De Haven, and Marshall Thompson of the TV series Daktari (1966-1969) and of course Ark II (1976-1976).

A selection of your universe's critics' reactions to this classic: Reviewer Pretentious_crap (clearly the reviewer's given name, unlike some of these ridiculous pseudonyms) writes, "When all is said and done, this movie is boring and irritating." Reviewer tavives writes, "My God, this movie is awful....The acting is abysmal, the editing is ridiculous." And reviewer t_brown_17 writes, "BOG is one of those movies that cannot be described in words. Well, that is, if the words 'atrocious' and 'stomach-churning' and 'mind-boggling' aren't in your vocabulary." Needless to say, these reviewers have missed the point of the film...and they have missed the proverbial boat. Please read on...

Monday, April 29, 2019

“Why Would Anyone Want to Kill an Old Caretaker?” - Monster Dog (1984)

We must continue our exploration of the films of Claudio Fragasso, and what better entry point could there be than the famous Alice Cooper vehicle Monster Dog (1984)?

Unfortunately, not all your universe's critics appreciate Monster Dog, or Mr. Fragasso for that matter. Reviewer tom_stratford writes, "Absolutely one of the worse films ever made." Reviewer Zorin-2 writes, "After I watched it I decided it was not worth the plastic it was made with and the paper it was printed on. It had horrible acting (including Alice Cooper) and really fake looking special effects." And reviewer tom-1908 writes, "This is, quite simply, the worst film I have ever seen. Not so bad it's good; just so bad. So very, very bad. Not one single person involved with it was even remotely competent in any way."

Needless to say, these reviewers are clearly confused about the difference between a bad film and a classic. Let us jump into the film and see if we can tell the difference. Please read on...

Monday, April 22, 2019

“Now I’m Having Kinetic Nightmares” - Dream Stalker (1991)

It is time to discuss the surreal shot-on-video classic Dream Stalker from 1991, an inspired variation on the Nightmare on Elm Street film series.

Some reviewers in your universe do not sufficiently respect Dream Stalker for its achievements. For example, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "A super-naff, A Nightmare On Elm Street-inspired, shot-on-video crapfest, Dream Stalker is poorly acted, badly scripted, unimaginatively directed, and blighted by terrible pacing and horrible sound quality (much of the dialogue is almost impossible to hear)." Reviewer woodyanders writes a list of the film's characteristics, most of which are transparently ridiculous: "slack (non)direction by Christopher Mills, a plodding pace, cheesy gore, rinky-dink (not so) special effects, some tasty gratuitous nudity, a seriously scorching soft-core sex scene, a meandering narrative, tinny sound, rough cinematography, a tacky synthesizer score, zero tension or spooky atmosphere, and crummy acting from a lame no-name cast."

Are these reviewers dreaming? Read on to find out...

Monday, April 15, 2019

"What Kind of a Commando Are You?" - Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

If there are four words (and a comma) that define high-quality cinema, they are the following: Bruno Mattei, Claudio Fragasso. These filmmakers had their collective fingers on the collective pulse of the collective filmgoing public in the 1980s, and one of their finest achievements is the combined zombie/cannibal film Hell of the Living Dead (1980), aka Zombie Creeping Flesh aka Virus aka Night of the Zombie(s).

Oddly, a few of your universe's critics fail to appreciate this epic film. Reviewer Nic673 writes, "I`ve seen elementary students who could write a better script than this awful movie." Reviewer Kazetnick writes, "This is, without reservation, the worst zombie film I have ever seen. And I've seen almost all of them." And reviewer squeezebox writes (in addition to creating the word "plagiary") that the film "moves at such a maddeningly slow pace, it's an endurance test just to stay awake. Almost all its attempts at horror, whether it's gore or atmosphere, fall flat, and it's plagiary of dialogue, plot points and even MUSIC (stolen directly from the DAWN OF THE DEAD soundtrack) from it's superior predecessors is shameless."

Is the film a classic or the worst zombie film ever made? Or both? Please read on...

Monday, April 8, 2019

“If Treasure Were Everywhere, They’d Call It Rubbish” - The Evil Below (1989)

We have discussed The Rift (1989), and we have discussed Barracuda (1978), so it is time to discuss a film that combines underwater intrigue with Mr. Wayne Crawford -- 1989's The Evil Below, a classic from the Golden Age of underwater monster movies (i.e., 1989).

Typically, many of your universe's critics are unappreciative of the charms of The Evil Below and/or Wayne Crawford (blasphemy!). For example, reviewer Aaron1375 writes, "This movie was a total yawnfest that took forever to get going, but never really did." Reviewer Tikkin writes, "I manged to sit through it all (just about) but I wouldn't recommend this film to ANYONE." And reviewer poolandrews calls the film "a bit different but unfortunately that's not enough to save it from sinking to the bottom of the sea like a stone."

Let us see if The Evil Below sinks or swims [Spoiler: It swims!]...

Monday, April 1, 2019

“Hit It With a Sledgehammer and It Won’t Perform” - The Cremators (1972)

Writer/director Harry Essex wrote two acknowledged classics of the underwater monster genre, The Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) and Octaman (1971). One year after Octaman, he would co-write and direct another classic, the less well-known The Cremators (1972), a film that deserves mention along with the other Harry Essex classics.

Not all your universe's critics agree, unfortunately...for them. Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "Essex's direction is lifeless, Howard makes for a bland protagonist, and the film's visual effects are far from special." Reviewer azathothpwiggins writes, "Absurd and terminally dull, this movie is only for those few, brave souls able to withstand a severe brain hammering!" And reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "The special effects are awkward and unsatisfying, and not even cheesy enough to be amusing, while the constant focus on little rocks is laughable. Needless to say that the performances from the no-name cast members are wooden in the extreme."

Read on for a more balanced view of the tense and horrific The Cremators...

Monday, March 25, 2019

"Like a Golf Ball Being Sucked Through a Garden Hose" - The Rift (1989)

It is time to explore the wonders of Juan Piquer Simon's The Rift (1989), one of the finest underwater monster movies released in 1989 along with Leviathan (1989), The Abyss (1989), DeepStar Six (1989), Lords of the Deep (1989), and The Evil Below (1989). Mr. Simon, who had already contributed several classics to world cinema including Pieces (1982) and Slugs (1988), created perhaps the definitive 1989 underwater monster movie in The Rift.

Some in your universe disagree about the film's classic status. For example, reviewer jiangliquings says that the film "has absolutely no redeeming values, whether it's the ridiculously bad acting, the laughably awful special effects, the incompetent direction, the stupid script, or the gratingly annoying musical score." (It must be noted that Joel Goldsmith's musical score is actually very effective.) Reviewer bonesnbraids writes, "Camera shots were pretty dull and honestly it wasn't very hard to stop watching it and walk around the room to get a snack or check email." (I will not comment on my visualization of this reviewer's movie-watching room.) And reviewer vossba-99945 writes, "The acting is so bad you can't get into the movie. Even worse than the acting is the screenplay, it's like it was written by a 10 year old." (It must be noted that some of the best screenplays are written by 10-year-olds.)

Let's avoid the negativity and experience the undersea wonder of J. P. Simon's The Rift...

Monday, March 18, 2019

"This Place Seems Spooky" - The Eyes Behind the Stars (1977)

It must be admitted that the UFO genre has produced many underrated classics, including of course UFO: Target Earth (1974). The 1970s also graced the cinemagoing public with The Eyes Behind the Stars (1977), a conspiracy thriller with such twists and turns that it is unclear whether it is occurring in England or Italy, or some other location entirely.

Examples of critics failing to understand the high, high quality of The Eyes Behind the Stars include BA_Harrison, who writes, "I can vaguely recall terrible acting, numerous protracted scenes of inane dialogue between extremely dull characters, some really crap alien costumes, and the overuse of a fish eye lens to give the effect of an alien presence, but very little else." Reviewer junk-monkey calls the film "another total waste of 90 minutes of my life." And reviewer carguychris writes, "The plot is full of holes and is nearly incoherent at times." Nearly incoherent! Ridiculous! Please read on for the truth about UFOs and The Eyes Behind the Stars...

Monday, March 11, 2019

"Railroad Guys Sitting Around by the Fire Whittlin' Wood" - Ghostkeeper (1981)

It is time to change gears a little and discuss the low-key, possibly supernatural Canada-set film Ghostkeeper (1981).

The critics of your universe and unduly harsh, as always. Reviewer itsbaylis writes, "To say the plot was flimsy would be an understatement, and frankly an insult to other flimsily plotted films. It's barely existent, let alone flimsy. There doesn't seem to BE one." Reviewer WisdomsHammer writes, "It was painful but I kept watching, hoping it would get better. Hoping for at least a good payoff at the end. That didn't happen." And reviewer anxietyresister calls the film "a sorry piece of trash that should be avoided at all costs."

Read on for a more balanced view of this chilling film...

Monday, March 4, 2019

“I Don’t Want to Lose You to Some Transvestite” - Monstrosity (1987)

Perhaps Andy Milligan's films are an acquired your universe. Although I find it hard to believe, films such as Blood (1973) and Torture Dungeon (1970) actually have many detractors among your universe's critics. Not so regarding the movie we're discussing today, Monstrosity (1987), one of Mr. Milligan's last films. Wait, I appear to be incorrect and should not have said "not so" earlier. Even at the end of his life--the culmination of his career--Mr. Milligan had his share of detractors.

For example, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "the direction is terrible, the editing clumsy and the performances amateurish." Reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "This is bargain basement stuff, embarrassingly poor in all aspects." And reviewer kinojunkie writes, "Monstrosity is a terrible film. Every aspect of it is poorly executed."

Let us continue to correct such wildly ridiculous opinions. Please read on...

Monday, February 25, 2019

"It's a World of Ifs, Pal" - Island of Blood (1982)

The latter part of the slasher boom spawned many interesting horror movies, a description that certainly applies to Island of Blood (1982). The original title of the film, based on the copyright notice in the end credits, was Whodunit, which sums up the movie well due to the fact that the killer is unknown until the very end.

Many critics in your universe have been harsh regarding Island of Blood. For example, oraklon writes (interminably), "It's painfully apparent that nobody, in front or behind the camera, have no clue what so ever what the hell they're doing. Incomprehensable story, dialogue that makes no sense, acting from hell, weird cuts etc." Reviewer gridoon writes (briefly), "One of those slasher films that give a bad name to the entire genre." And reviewer coventry writes (at great length), "a wondrously inept and totally redundant low-budget flick with all the right ingredients: a senseless basic premise, unmemorable characters, a complete absence of logic, laughable dialogs, various but totally non-shocking killing methods and one remotely ingenious little gimmick (a constantly repeated rock song of which the lyrics reveal how the next victim will die a gruesome death)."

Of course, these reviewers entirely miss the point, so it must be spelled out...

Monday, February 18, 2019

“Why Don’t You Go Back Where You Came From, Funny Person?” - The Pit (1981)

(Note: This post is a contribution to The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense's 9th annual The Shortening, which celebrates the shortest month by covering "films that deal with vertically challenged villains." This film, The Pit, whose vertically challenged "villains" include pint-sized monsters as well as an evil kid, was covered on that blog here in 2009.)

Few films mix disturbing, horrific, taboo-breaking content with light comedy as well as 1981's The Pit, one of a limited number of classic horror films made in Wisconsin not directed by Bill Rebane.

For unexplained reasons, several of your universe's critics are blind to the inescapable qualities of The Pit. For example, reviewer Andy Sandfoss writes, "The direction is limp and pedestrian. The art values in the sets and cinematography are non-existent. Nothing about the film rings true." Reviewer rhombus writes, "overall, the movie is just a big disappointment, with an ending that's schlocky and clichéd." And reviewer adam878 writes, "This flick was just weird and boring at the same time." (Weird and boring at the same time? Impossible!)

Please read on and we will set the record straight...