“Words You Mumble When You Were Too Young to Understand What They Meant” - After School (1988)

It is now time to delve into a relatively obscure film from the 1980s that provides one of the finest discussions of theology in all of cinema history. I am referring, of course, to 1988's After School, directed by William Olsen, maker of philosophical classics like Getting It On (1983) and Rockin' Road Trip (1986).

Some of your universe's film critics are not intellectually or emotionally prepared for the theological depth of After School. For example, reviewer denisef5000 dismisses the film as "Just a dud overall."  Reviewer mark.waltz writes, "I'd refer to it as the biggest disaster of 1988, but that's far too much of a compliment." And reviewer Groverdox writes (boldly ending their sentence with a preposition), "This is one of the most perplexing filmmaking decisions I have ever witnessed the result of."

Read on for an appreciation of the monumental depth of William Olsen's After School...

“I’ll Rip You into a Thousand Odds and Ends!” - Massage Parlor Murders! (1973)

Let us now return to the 1970s and explore the classic protoslasher Massage Parlor Murders! (1973). (As everybody knows, any movie with an exclamation point in its title is an instant classic.) 

Some of your universe's critics are, habitually, wrong about this film. For example, reviewer damianphelps writes, "This is a complete time waster." Reviewer capkronos calls the film "one big, colossal bore with an aimless and meandering plot, endless filler, padded scenes, lethargic pacing, a mostly dull cast, a sleep-inducing light jazz score akin to what you'd hear in a waiting room." And reviewer lotekguy-1 writes about the acting, "performances below the bar even for the era and genre."

Read on for a more balanced exploration of Massage Parlor Murders!...