Monday, April 27, 2020

“Tell Us Your Thoughts on the United States and the Laws of Physics” - Hellmaster (1992) aka Them - Film #176

It is time to examine Douglas Schulze's 1993 film Hellmaster aka Them, which features horror film stalwarts John Saxon and David Emge. Rarely has there been a more coherent film about the dangers of drug experimentation by religious cults than Hellmaster.

Even a film as entertaining and stylish as Hellmaster cannot satisfy your universe's critics, it seems. Reviewer RatedVforVinny writes, "One of the very worst horror movies, with very little merit and even less credibility. avoid." Reviewer vivekmaru45 writes, "I have written this review as a final word NOT TO SEE THIS FILM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. As a horror viewer for over 25 years and I have seen at least a 1000 horror films, my message is again - STEER CLEAR OF THIS ONE." And reviewer nev_the_bassist writes, "Admittedly I did watch it with a smile, but this was a smile of disbelief due to how badly [sic] the film is badly [sic] written, not to mention the bad edited with audio levels all over the place. All in all the shiny little disc would make a rather nice coaster for your mug of tea."

Read on for a true picture of this fascinating film...

Monday, April 13, 2020

"What If He Starts Offering Out Drugs?" - Suffer Little Children (1983) - Film #175

Let us turn to the legendary British shot-on-VHS thriller Suffer Little Children (1983), one of the finest pieces of cinema ever created by an acting school populated almost entirely by children. As with The Zodiac Killer (1971), the circumstances of the making of the film are almost as interesting as the film itself--though the circumstances with Suffer Little Children (amateur project by acting school) are less grim than those surrounding The Zodiac Killer (attempt to catch serial murderer), the film itself is considerably more graphic and disturbing.

Oddly, some critics in your universe fail to appreciate this masterpiece. Reviewer Coventry writes, "'Suffer, Little Children' is so bad that I can hardly find enough synonyms for awful to describe what's going on here. It's practically unwatchable, with lousy editing, incomprehensible narration, inaudible dialogs (also because the acting performances are so inept) and no sign of coherence or pace whatsoever." Reviewer juderussell-84094 writes, "Look, this movie is bad. Really bad." And reviewer HumanoidOfFlesh writes, "Utterly cheesy and inept horror movie made by the students of Drama School.The editing is horrible, the plot makes no sense and the lighting is amateurish."

Obviously, these reviewers are unfit even to be called reviewers. Please read on for an appreciation of this groundbreaking film...