Monday, September 30, 2019

"Quite the Dick, Aren't You?" - Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) - Film # 154


After viewing Ted A. Bohus's special effects work in Mindkiller (1987), let us move on to a film produced by Mr. Bohus as a follow-up to The Deadly Spawn (1983), Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) (no relation to George Eastman's Metamorphosis, also released in 1990).

Some of your universe's critics are typically blind to the quality of this film. Reviewer vyl writes, "This movie is crap. How else can I put it? Its... beyond bad? This movie is the ultimate badness. It has all the elements of a sub-B-grade movie." Reviewer phantasmda writes, under the ridiculously hyperbolic title "Definitely the worst film ever made," "I can't say I have ever seen a horror movie quite this bad and I consider myself a fairly tolerant person. Some films are so poor that they become laughably enjoyable or mildly entertaining and then there's this, which is just downright painful." And reviewer papadeltazulu writes, "It really is an awful film, I borrowed this from a friend who told me how bad it was, so I thought I'd see for myself, hoping it was one of those so bad it's good flicks. Nope, it's just so bad it's really bad and I felt ripped off despite the fact I watched it for free."

Please read on to learn the truth...

Monday, September 23, 2019

"What Plane? And What's Dangerous?" - Flying Virus (2001) - Film #153


The themes of animals attacking man and nature attacking man always make for compelling cinema, so it is time to turn to the recent classic Flying Virus (2001) aka Killer Buzz, a modern killer bee movie/airplane disaster movie with a fantastic cast that includes Gabrielle Anwar, Rutger Hauer, David Naughton, Craig Sheffer, and Duncan Regehr. In addition to the cast, the film features international locales (Brazil, and the airspace above Brazil), adding to its classic status.

Some critics are not "on board" with Flying Virus's many charms. Reviewer klaseriksson79 writes, "This is the worst movie I've seen in a long while. The story wasn't exciting at all, the scenes inside the plane were terribly unrealistic." Reviewer bhsfacebook writes (both cleverly and uncharitably), "Terrible writing, worse acting, and gratuitous explosions make this a perfect swarm of awfulness. This may be the worst film Rutger Hauer ever made. That's saying something." And reviewer illusionbox writes, "It started bad and become only worse and worse....among the worst rubbish I've ever seen."

It is time to put things right and explain the many, many qualities of the modern classic Flying Virus. Please read on...

Monday, September 16, 2019

"I've Spent Most of My Life Looking for This Blood" - Project: Metalbeast (1995) - Film #152


Who among us has not contemplated attaining superpowers through the injection of werewolf blood and the application of synthetic metal skin? Fortunately, the Barry Bostwick vehicle (not to be confused, of course, with this Barry Bostwick vehicle) Project: Metalbeast is here to fulfill our hearts' desires.

Some of your universe's critics are unbelievably negative about this film. Reviewer frodave writes that "the movie is a downward spiral into the abyss of film making. What possible reasoning any producer, director, or writer could have for involving themselves in this disaster of a movie escapes me. I would like to get in contact with the filmmakers and request compensation for my time and brain cells wasted." Reviewer KizerSouza writes, "This movie is pure garbage. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue absurd, the plot asinine, and that's the good stuff!" And reviewer bhcesi writes long-windedly, "There are no words to describe the symphony of stupidity this movies presents to us, the audience. The cast was mediocre at best and their acting skills were the same. The storyline, at times, doesn't make any sense, and there are contradictions left and right. There are points made in the course of the movie that simply don't compute, and the ending was laughable."

Of course, now you must read on to experience the truth...

Monday, September 9, 2019

“Who’s to Know What’s Real and What Isn’t?” - The Legend of Spider Forest (1971) - Film #151



Let us turn to Peter Sykes's The Legend of Spider Forest (1971) aka Venom aka Spider's Venom. To get it out of the way, yes, there are spiders in this film, not to mention a forest, a lumber mill, and cows with flower wreaths on their heads. These qualities should tell you nearly all you need to know about the film's classic status.

Oddly, many of your universe's critics disagree that it is a classic. For example, reviewer manchester_england2004 (the best critics have places and times for names) writes, "The whole production has the feeling of everyone simply going through the motions....Overall, VENOM is a very boring film." Reviewer the_void, who mistakes Peter Sykes for Peter Sasdy, writes, "The film really does make little sense and while the fantasy elements of it might have lifted it out of the bottom of the barrel, they unfortunately don't." And reviewer platypuschow writes, "It all sounds fairly interesting but the delivery is awful, worse than I could actually put into words. Sure the cast are competent enough, but they can't save a movie with the writing quality of a Sharknado (2013) film."

Is platypuschow correct (as is so often the case)? No. Not at all. Read on for all the details...

Monday, September 2, 2019

"He's Playing a Different Game Than the Rest of Us. Over." - Shakma (1990) - Film #150


Who is the king of the animals-attack films? Of course, the only answer is Mr. Christopher Atkins, star of Beaks (1986) and the classic we are discussing today, Shakma (1990). Director Hugh Parks's film combines the timely elements of live action role playing games, animal vivisection, and Roddy McDowall to create a claustrophobic suspense film that makes audiences redefine their relationship with baboons.

Oddly, not all of your universe's critics are in love with Shakma. For example, reviewer dancor writes poetically, under the headline "An all time low in film making, even for a B movie," "Camera work is like a Kentucky chicken farm home-movie about Fido, the family basset hound, who celebrated his 5th birthday, and got a bite from the prise winning rooster, filmed with a VHS-C camera." Reviewer SpiderPants calls the movie an "idiotic monstrosity of a film." And reviewer Varboro writes with impeccable logic, "Maybe it was necessary to make a movie about a killer baboon...but there is no need to watch it."

Read on for an unbiased look at the terrors of medical research on baboons...