“Them Babies with Nothing But Their Hands” - Island Fury (1983) aka Please Don't Eat the Babies

 

Some undiscriminating cinemagoers might be unfamiliar with Island Fury (1983), a children's adventure film with only small bits of female nudity, the suggestion of canniabalism, and a hint of meat cleaver gore. Others might be familiar with the film under its alternate title Please Don't Eat the Babies, a curious title for a film that contains exactly zero babies.

Of course, some of your universe's critics who have seen the film are strangely unkind to it. For example, reviewer Woodyanders writes, "Man, does this mind-numbing schlockfest strike out something rotten in every possible way." Reviewer Tromafreak calls the film "an awful, pointless, boring, unwatchable piece of garbage." And reviewer Hey_Sweden writes, "It's a true odd duck of a film, an awkwardly written, directed, and acted production that may be an endurance test for some viewers."

Read on for the truth about the high adventure film Island Fury...

"A Man Just Doesn’t Have a Heart Attack without Some Apparent Reason" - Devil's Partner (1960)

Early in his career, prolific TV director Charles R. Rondeau directed the youth movie The Girl in Lovers Lane (1960) and the occult horror movie Devil's Partner (also 1960) (commonly known as The Devil's Partner). Today we are looking at the second of these classics, made before the director became constrained by the formats of TV shows like F Troop and Captain Nice. 

Some of your universe's critics do not see the potential in this horrific film. For example, reviewer Wagner-26993 writes, somewhat inscrutably, "Boring waste of time. The plot is not supported by the scenes." Reviewer mark.waltz writes, also inscrutably, "This has an element of trashiness to it that puts it in the classification of exploitation rather than a piece of art." And reviewer richardtilley-76559 writes, "As for the final scene, it just made me laugh. Awful ending."

Read on for the truth about Devil's Partner...

"That Was in Very Bad Taste" - House of the Black Death (1966)

The 1960s were a time when the classic horror film stars of the past grew willing to appear together in new kinds of horror films, though in many cases they shared only one or two scenes (for example, Scream and Scream Again). Today we look at House of the Black Death, in which Lon Chaney, Jr. and John Carradine appear as brothers, though in a startling reversal of expectations, they appear in exactly zero scenes together.

Some of your universe's critics are perversely negative about House of the Black Death. Reviewer a_baron writes, “‘House Of The Black Death’ is slightly confusing, very boring, and frankly, embarrassing to watch.” Reviewer planktonrules writes, “In addition to being an extremely dull and talky film, 'sexy' dancing girls are rather randomly inserted throughout the film to try to keep you awake.” And reviewer JohnSeal writes, “It's ALMOST completely worthless, being badly shot, appallingly lit, and poorly written.”

Read on for the truth about House of the Black Death...

“Feelings Never Experienced Elsewhere in the Galaxy” - Captive (1980)

At Senseless Cinema, we're well aware that there might be no other actor who can "do it all" like Cameron Mitchell, so today we will look at his science fiction action film Captive (1980), where he plays a despicable villain as well as any actor, living or dead.

Some of your universe's top critics have shockingly unfavorable views of Captive. For example, reviewer plan99 writes, "The worst acting is done by Cameron MItchell, and he had a lot of tough competition for this award. Special effects done badly on a Sinclair Spectrum and the "music" is just a variety of beeps also from a Sinclair Spectrum. Film making can't be any worse than this effort, watch it if you get the chance as it's awful to behold." Reviewer Curtis writes, "Captive is a very poorly constructed film. The direction is beyond bland, which is sort of amazing given that it has four listed directors." And reviewer Luke Thorne writes, "Overall, Captive is a terrible science-fiction film, due to the poor performances, direction, lacklustre script, slow pace and no tense atmosphere or character determination."

Read on for the truth about Captive (1980)...

"Like a Pig Likes Bacon" - Drakul (2017)

Let us turn to a hidden gem from 2017 called Drakul, a political thriller that adds vampires to the mix and implies that American politicians could be working with dark forces to complete their own mysterious agendas.

Drakul is such a hidden gem, in fact, that I could find no reviews from your universe's film critics that address it. Therefore, I will assume it is universally admired and simply move on to explaining why it is a masterpiece. Please read on...

"The Subconscious Mind Is an Untapped Reservoir of Acquired Information" - The Psychotronic Man (1980)

The Psychotronic Man (1980) is a classic film so influential it spawned the term for an entire genre of classic films, "psychotronic." It is also, perhaps, the most 1967 a movie can be that was filmed in 1979 and released in 1980.

Although most of your universe's critics actually appreciate this film, there are some who misunderstand this classic. For example, reviewer Superwonderscope writes, "This is probably one of the only movie in all movie history where a blank screen can be a better spectacle." Reviewer imdb-579 writes, "It has no entertainment value, at all." And reviewer garrett-I writes, "This film is only recommended for those individuals who enjoy watching the worst films ever made."

Read on for the truth about the classic The Psychotronic Man...

“The San Francisco Earthquake, the Chicago Fire, and So Forth” - Red Midnight (1966)

Nobody makes high-quality cinema the way people with axes to grind make high-quality cinema. Case in point: Red Midnight, a captivating thriller from 1966 that makes a convincing case for urban planning through domestic terrorism.

Some of your universe's critics are unpersuaded. For example, reviewer Blastoff Tokicksville writes, "This one could have stayed lost." Reviewer Vaccinia writes, "this is so bloated with filler that it is probably safer to just give a blanket suggestion to avoid and not watch." And reviewer MelvinvtHof writes, "This was very hard to sit trough [sic]."

Read on for the truth about Red Midnight...

“It’s Only a Series of Freak Circumstances” - Carnage (1984)

It is time to return to the world of auteur Andy Milligan, whose films we have already discussed include Torture Dungeon (1970), Bloodthirsty Butchers (1970), The Body Beneath (1970), The Man with Two Heads (1972), The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972), Blood (1973), Legacy of Blood (1978), and Monstrosity (1987). Now we turn our thoughts to one of Mr. Milligan's more timely exploitation films, Carnage (1984), released soon after hits like The Evil Dead (1981) and Poltergeist (1982). Carnage is Mr. Milligan's version of a haunted house story, and it tells a compelling story indeed.

Your universe's critics are oddly unimpressed by Mr. Milligan's efforts. For example, reviewer Hitchcoc writes, "Anyway, there's no end to the suffering, not of the people in the house, but of the people who saw this movie. Avoid at all costs." Reviewer hangsheep2004 writes, somewhat inexplicably, "This movie is so bad they do not even sell it in many places. Look out Plan 9 from outer Space, look out Manos, Hands of Fate, you have a contender for worst picture of all time. Carnage has that potential, the only potential it has." And reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "With lousy acting from all involved, and special effects limited to objects being moved by wires (some of which are clearly visible) and a fair amount of hokey gore (including a really laughable disembowelment, a meat cleaver in the head and a blood-free decapitation), this woeful ghost flick is strictly for fans of really bad movies."

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Andy Milligan's Carnage (1984)...

“Go Make Love to Your Iron Mistress” - Bigfoot (1970)

Bigfoot is no stranger to lists of classic films. Here at Senseless Cinema, we have explored such gems as Curse of Bigfoot (1976), Capture of Bigfoot (1979), Bog (1979), Night of the Demon (1980), Demonwarp (1988), and  Night Claws (2012). Now it is time to consider one of the earliest and finest bigfoot films, 1970's Bigfoot, directed by esteemed filmmaker Robert F. Slatzer, director of the biker classic The Hellcats (1968). 

Strangely, some of your universe's critics do not appreciate Bigfoot. Reviewer lfdewolfe writes, "Screw this movie! I HATE IT!!! Words cannot describe my hatred for this movie." Reviewer bensonmum2 writes, "What a complete load of garbage! Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, about Bigfoot is wretched." And reviewer TheUnknown837-1 writes, "The screenplay is just the same set of words and phrases being repeated over and over again and the editing is absolutely horrendous."

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Robert F. Slatzer's Bigfoot...

“No More Functional Architecture, Thank You” - Pyro, the Thing without a Face (1964)

It is time to visit the beautiful nation of Spain and encounter one of the most terrifying monsters in cinema history, Pyro, the Thing without a Face (1964). Before the film is over, we will have looked upon his face, which is as terrifying, but not as nonexistent, as the title implies.

Some of your universe's revered critics are not big fans of Pyro, the Thing without a Face. For example, reviewer richardtilley-76559 writes, "It's all pretty pointless, takes itself far too seriously and just affirms the saying 'if you play with fire, you'll get burned'." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "It's also a derivative work which reminded me of HOUSE OF WAX and HORROR OF THE BLACK MUSEUM in places although it doesn't have much of the impact of either of those two classic horror flicks." And reviewer lee-96696 writes, "The narrative can be disjointed, the pacing uneven, and the "Thing Without a Face" itself might elicit more chuckles than chills for modern audiences."

Read on for the truth about Pyro, the Thing without a Face...

“The Young People, Underneath All That Hair and Revolt” - Octaman (1971)

The classic monster movie Octaman (1971) needs no introduction but I will endeavor to introduce it anyway. Harry Essex--famous for writing classics such as Man Made Monster (1941), It Came from Outer Space (1953), and Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), and less famous for directing a 3D version of Mickey Spillane's I, the Jury (1953)--created a new monster when he wrote and directed Octaman in the early 1970s, giving legendary makeup artist Rick Baker his first film job. The film stands up as a genre classic made at a time when monster movies were considered old-fashioned.

Of course, your universe's critics do not understand the brilliance of Octaman. For example, reviewer poe426 writes, "on a scale of one to ten, with ten being excellent, OCTAMAN would barely qualify as a one (awful)." Reviewer irvingc writes, "This is schlocky entertainment at its worst and seems to break just about every law of nature I've come to understand." And reviewer Freethinker_Atheist writes, "Easily one of the worst movies ever made."

Read on for a more realistic appreciation of Octaman...

“We’re in Peril So Hold onto Your Hats” - Cannibal World (2004) aka Cannibal Holocaust 2: The Beginning

At Senseless Cinema, we have covered many of Bruno Mattei's classics, from golden age films such as Rats: Night of Terror (1984), Shocking Dark (1989), and Cruel Jaws (1995) (among others), as well as two horror films from Mr. Mattei's comeback before he died in 2007, Island of the Living Dead (2007) and Zombies: The Beginning (also 2007). One of the first films of his comeback was 2004's Cannibal World, also released as Cannibal Holocaust 2: The Beginning. All of these films show that Mr. Mattei never lost his touch as a director of terrifying horror films.

Reviewer taintedproductions writes, “awful…..just awful.” Reviewer Michael_Elliott writes, “This here was an ultra low-budget movie but that doesn't excuse how awful it actually is.” And reviewer Woodyanders writes, “We've got terrible acting from a lame no-name cast…, tin-eared profane dialogue, flat cinematography that makes this flick look like a cheap'n'seedy third world reality TV show, generic one-note characters…, a meandering narrative which unfolds at an unwieldy stop'n'go pace, and heavy-handed moralizing about the evils of the immoral modern media and how so-called ‘civilized’ man are far more cruel, deadly, and debased than any flesh-eating primitives.”

Read on for the truth about Bruno Mattei's Cannibal World...

“And Then…We Digitize!” - Savage (1996)

Science fiction and action can make strange bedfellows, but when they come together in the correct proportions they can result in a classic. I am speaking, of course, of Avi Nesher's 1996 film Savage, starring French kickboxer Olivier Gruner. Like many proto-superhero movies of the 1990s, Savage is a rollercoaster of action and colorful CRT computer monitors.

A minuscule number of your universe's critics do not understand Savage. For example, reviewer grin writes, "If you need a plot, avoid like plague. It doesn't have any." Reviewer jaigurudavid writes, "Poorly acted, poorly written, poorly filmed, poorly costumed." And reviewer fmarkland32 writes, "You will not see a movie as demented or senseless then this mess." (For what it is worth, I appreciate fmarkland32's use of the word "senseless."

Read on for a true appreciation of the science fiction action classic Savage...

“Some Kinky Freak Burglary Turned Tragic” - Scream and Scream Again (1970)

I do not need to remind anyone that the British film industry produced an uncountable number of classic films between the late 1950s and the early 1970s, so today we will take a look at what might be the apotheosis of this body of work: 1970's Scream and Scream Again, a bold film that not only features Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, and Peter Cushing (never mind that they never share the screen and Mr. Cushing's single scene lasts only three minutes), but also combines the Frankenstein and vampire stories with an energetic spy adventure.

Some of your universe's critics are, shockingly, bored by Scream and Scream Again. For example, reviewer Alestrel writes, "One of the worst (most incomprehensible and boring) films I've ever seen." Reviewer happinesspatrol writes, "Scream And Scream Again is a mess of the worst kind." And reviewer ricpantale writes, "This movie is so bad that anyone who enjoys it is beyond help." (Parenthetically, I personally must be "beyond help.")

Read of for the truth about Scream and Scream Again...

“Being Dead Broadens One’s Perspective” - Mansion of Blood with Gary Busey (2015)

It is time to examine a relatively recent classic that includes everything except the proverbial kitchen sink -- ghosts, murders, vampires, werewolves, zombies, witches, and even Gary Busey. I am referring, of course, to 2015's Mansion of Blood with Gary Busey (aka Mansion of Blood). 

Some of your universe's critics are unkind to Mansion of Blood with Gary Busey. For example, reviewer keirondarbyshire writes, "The acting is terrible. Really really bad....Scenes just seem to happen without explanation." Reviewer vhsfordays writes, "There were way too many characters, way too many killers and this felt way too long." And reviewer Tengu440 writes, "It's bad by every measure I can think of....Pointless scenes, bad actors, random non sequitor dialogue, and horror movie tropes and scenes that were apparently thrown into a blender and randomly regurgitated with no context."

Read on for the truth about Mansion of Blood with Gary Busey...

“We’ve All Had a Jumpy Day” - Bloody New Year (1987)

One of the finest science-fiction horror films from another dimension is Norman J. Warren's final feature, Bloody New Year (1987). Capturing the spirit of 1987 perfectly, Bloody New Year is an extradimensional amalgamation of movies like The Evil Dead (1981), Poltergeist (1982), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), and more.

Shockingly, many of your universe's critics fail to appreciate Mr. Warren's swan song. For example, reviewer lighoff writes, "It's hard to explain how stupid and meaningless was this movie." Reviewer lordzedd-3 writes, "It's garbage and I give it the LUMP OF COAL." And reviewer Randomgirl111 writes, "The writing is disgraceful, the visuals are cheap, even by 80s standards, the music is a broken orchestra and the characters give me headaches. I highly recommend you skip this. Probably the worst horror film I've ever watched."

Read on for the truth about Bloody New Year...

“He’s a Big, Kind, Gentle Person” - The Humanoid (1979)

Something mysterious and forever unknowable must have occurred somewhere between 1976 and 1978 in the realm of science fiction films, because the number of science fiction classics released just after that period is almost numberless. At the top of the list, of course, is the Italian film The Humanoid, one of the greatest adventure stories ever told.

Strangely, some of your universe's critics are unkind to The Humanoid. For example, reviewer darkdayforanime writes, “Honestly, this film is one long collection of laughable clichés.” Reviewer welshNick writes, “In what has to be one of the worst films ever made every left over costume from Star Wars got reused to make an abomination which gives cheap sci films a bad name.” And reviewer Oslo_Jargo writes, “this is not a decent movie in any way. In fact, it is bloody awful and stupid.”

Read on for the truth about The Humanoid...

"This Thing I've Got Is Different" - The Hideous Sun Demon (1958)

Some of the finest films ever made are written and directed by actors, and The Hideous Sun Demon (1958), directed by prolific TV and movie actor Robert Clarke, is no exception. The Hideous Sun Demon is a successful example of moving classical monsters--in this case, a werewolf--into the atomic age.

Some of your universe's critics are unkind to The Hideous Sun Demon. Reviewer 13Funbags writes, “No one should ever see this.” Reviewer planktonrules writes, “The script also is not particularly inspired or original.” And Reviewer Tera-Jones writes, “I don't know what is worse: the cinematography, dialogue, the story, the acting, the directing - it's all bad. Really bad.”

Read on for the truth about The Hideous Sun Demon...

“Now Women Are Chasing Everything in a Skirt” - Alien Blood (1999)

Although at Senseless Cinema we generally discuss big blockbuster hit movies, occasionally an obscure movie is just as much a masterpiece as a big hit. Such is the case with Alien Blood (1999), a British film set in the English Lake District featuring aliens, blood, UFOs, and vampires.

Surprisingly, some of your universe's top critics feel Alien Blood is not a masterpiece. Reviewer spike_jonez writes, “This movie simply should not have been made….This movie is one huge plot hole. It's simply bad. Not even the kind of bad you can make fun of.” Reviewer squlknife writes, “All I can say is, don't watch this movie. There isn't a single redeeming quality about it.” And reviewer leofwine_draca writes, “Plenty of effort has gone into the visuals but the plot is real mess and the whole thing soon descends into incoherency.”

Read on for the truth about Alien Blood...

“What Good Is a Beautiful Sensitive with Red Eyes and a Runny Nose?” - The Witchmaker (1969)

 

It is now time to explore an influential and transitionary horror film from 1969, The Witchmaker. This film combines early-60s tastefulness with late-60s nihilism, making for an entertaining experience.

Of course, some of your universe's critics fail to recognize the genius of The Witchmaker. For example, reviewer moonspinner55 writes, "Apart from the 'spooky' music, amateurish makeup effects and awkward performances, there's not a whole helluva lot happening here." Reviewer dmanyc writes, "It drags soooooo slooowly. The scares are meh to nonexistent." And reviewer pod-man writes, "it is one big bore of an extremely low budget movie."

Read on for the truth about The Witchmaker...