“If the World’s Gonna End, I Want to Know When” - The 13th Floor (1988)

Not to be confused with the later science fiction film The Thirteenth Floor (1999), The 13th Floor (1988) is an Australian ghost thriller with at one ghost and at least that many thrills. 

Some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate the chilling The 13th Floor. For example, reviewer HumanoidOfFlesh writes, ""The 13th Floor" is easily one of the worst horror films I have ever seen." Reviewer arfdawg-1 writes, "I love Oz horror movies, but this is barely a horror movie. Even the ending is ridiculous. Unfortunately, there is nothing to recommend here." And reviewer PeterMitchell-506-564364 writes, "This film is undoubtedly one of the worst and tasteless horrors Australia has ever produced, and that goes double for it's [sic] smarts."

Read on for the truth about The 13th Floor...

“Teaching Communication Skills to the Penguins Down There” - Alien Hunter (2003)

Alien Hunter is a 2003 science fiction thriller starring James Spader that asks the question, "What if aliens came to Earth and interacted with humans for a few seconds?" Although that question had already been answered years earlier in Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977), Alien Hunter adds the highly original setting of an Antarctic research base and the highly original concept of an alien object frozen in a block of ice.

Some of your universe's critics fail to see the brilliance of Alien Hunter. For example, reviewer wabl summarizes the film with "Very bad acting, and a very shallow story. Not even a decent B-Movie." Reviewer adoyle444 writes, "By god does this movie suck really bad." And reviewer adnyuk dismisses the film as "Disjointed - poorly filmed - non directed junk."

Of course, these reviewers are incorrect. Read on for an accurate assessment of Alien Hunter...

“Government Business! Strictly Government!” - Missile to the Moon (1958)

Directly after the classic jungle adventure She Demons (1958), director Richard E. Cunha released a classic of the spaceship genre, Missile to the Moon (also 1958), thus cementing his reputation as a master of multiple genres.

Some of your universe's critics, as always, fail to see the genius of Missile to the Moon. For example, reviewer Hitchcoc focuses on the performances when they write, "The acting is ridiculous." Reviewer mark.waltz, also focusing on the performances, writes, "The acting is hideous, particularly by the space women and ranks up there with the worst performances of all time." And reviewer bkoganbing, incredibly also focusing on the performances, writes, "In fact all the players look like they're in terrible need of ExLax."

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Missile to the Moon...

“Hidden Behind A Hard, Tough Crust” - She Demons (1958)

After making the classic Giant from the Unknown (1958), director/cinematographer Richard E. Cunha followed up with the horror film She Demons (1958), an exploration of Nazi science and beautiful women turned into disfigured monsters.

Some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate She Demons for its contributions to cinema. For example, reviewer jnselko writes, "There is nothing good about this movie at all, not plot, dialogue, acting, directing-nothing." Reviewer dave13-1 writes, "She Demons is a buffet of incompetence and poor planning." And reviewer Fargo_North writes, "Watching this was an almost painful ordeal because of the really bad acting, the lousy dialog, the lame attempts at humor and the incoherent plot!"

Read on for the truth about She Demons...

“I Mean Sweating and Going Nuts” - Granny (1999)

Let us return to the late 1990s to investigate how the phenomenon of Wes Craven's Scream (1996) was influencing amateur regional slasher films. We turn to Granny (1999), a Chicago-based slasher that is short and to-the-point. Although it is not a slasher film about slasher films like Scream, it is about demonstrating a person's worst fear (whether or not that person is in the room) and how the artifice of the movies invades real life.

Some of your universe's critics fail to see the power and innovation of Granny. For example, reviewer pizowell writes, rather rudely, "Take my advice and steer clear of that dirty old hag The Granny." Reviewer bigpappa1--2 says the film "has some of the dumbest characters and situations to ever grace a television screen." And reviewer trevhurt writes, "This film is truly execrable in all departments. Script, acting, plot, direction and editing are all uniformly awful."

Read on for the truth about Granny...

“Lick the Paper” - Ratpocalypse (2017)

Political satire is a tricky film genre to get right, so it is no surprise that it should be left to skilled professionals, like Russian Christians. Vladimir Uglichin's Ratpocalypse (2017) is a satire that brilliantly roasts the greed and corruption of politicians, and it stars Hollywood mega-star Casper Van Dien as a messenger from God. For what more could one ask?

Some of your universe's critics apparently want more. For example, reviewer erick-peisker writes, somewhat cryptically, "The plot has so many holes the rats must have ate through them and the rest of the bad acting." Reviewer dcordova-65217 calls the film "so bad you can't really focus on anything but its flaws." And reviewer a-shane-bishop writes, with no evidence, "it's like the director died mid editing and his son took over."

Read on for a more balanced appreciation of the brilliant political satire that is Ratpocalypse...

“People Don’t Start Dying After a Heated Game of Scrabble” - Knight Chills (2001)

The 2001 thriller Knight Chills deals with the frightening relationship between role playing games like Dungeons & Dragons and supernatural murder. Even though it was released nearly two decades after the link between role playing and Satanism was supported by various (possibly crazy) religious leaders, Knight Chills is a terrifyingly realistic investigation of how such a hobby can destroy lives.

As predicted, your universe's critics are not chilled by Knight Chills. For example, reviewer mike3018 writes, “The story, acting, script, camera work, and sets, were among the worst I've ever suffered through.” Reviewer votok writes, “Terrible Dialog, Abysmal Line Delivery, Truly HORRIBLE lighting and filming, and Zero Acting ability from all involved. And a hopelessly amateur plot to top it all off. What a complete mess!” And reviewer samiam4evajuliannasmann writes, “This film just doesn't have any good parts to it at all. The "actors" are all so stiff and fail to portray any character reality at all, so you don't really feel for them or care about the story at all.”

Read on for the truth about Knight Chills...

“But This Is Stupid” - Hangar 18 (1980)

Serious films about UFO conspiracies are often spectacular successes, and Hangar 18 (1980) is no exception. The film has thrills, chills, and one jump scare, so it is clearly far better than its inspirations, Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) and Capricorn One (1977).

As usual, your universe's critics are useless here. For example, reviewer cuiloni writes, "A mediocre film, rather predictable film." Reviewer Sterno-2 writes, "The movie has plot holes large enough for the Rockettes to dance through." And reviewer buckrulze writes, "This movie is so bad I couldn't wait for it to end. It is an epic failure from opening to the closing credits."

Read on for the hidden truth about Hanger 18...

“And Then, Later, Broadswords” - Empire of the Dark (1991)

In 1982, Steve Barkett created The Aftermath, a classic post-apocalyptic thriller. Nine years later, he wrote and directed Empire of the Dark (1991), an adventure fantasy full of sword-fighting, monsters, and gore. He never directed another movie, though he appeared in several films produced by Fred Olen Ray, who also produced Empire of the Dark. Fortunately, both of the films Mr. Barkett directed are classics.

Your universe's critics are wrong again. For example, reviewer paulmichaelgray writes, "Like they have said. This film is terrible." Reviewer godinamachine writes that "its [sic] got the campy acting, wierd music and stylized feel of older film in general." And reviewer abduktionsphanomen writes, "its production values are completely lacking."

Read on for the truth about Steve Barkett's Empire of the Dark (1991)...

“I Would Rather Give a Cute Girl a Hug Than Get Shot At” - Hollywood Warrioress: The Movie (2016)

It might seem as if all classic films are from long, long ago, but today we will discuss a modern classic from 2016, the poetically titled Hollywood Warrioress: The Movie. Like The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven (1998), Hollywood Warrioress is a female-driven superhero movie, but where The Chosen One was dark and edgy, Hollywood Warrioress is full of hope.

Of course, some of your universe's critics are unkind to this film. For example, reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, “This is completely dreadful and laughably bad.” Reviewr cburks192 writes, “I knew this wasn’t going to be good.” And reviewer intruder2k calls the film “Embarrassingly poor.” 

Read on for a balanced appreciation of the modern superhero classic...

“What Do You Got New in Porn?” - Disconnected (1984)

At Senseless Cinema, we have not yet looked at the works of Connecticut filmmaker Gorman Bechard, so we need to remedy that as soon as possible (i.e., right now) by discussing his first feature, 1984's Disconnected.

Reviewer arfdog-1 writes, “It's truly difficult to know what's going on because the entire movie is one big disjointed mess.” Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, “Sadly, none of this makes much sense at all and it certainly isn't entertaining; sleep inducing, more like.” And reviewer petervenkman57 writes, “This is a train wreck of movie. It just doesn't get worse than this.”

Read on for an accurate evaluation of Gorman Bechard's Disconnected (1984)...

“Satan Wants Winners” - Satan's Children (1975)

In the wake of real-life horrors such as the Manson murders and cinematic assaults such as The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) and The Last House on the Left (1972), regional filmmakers felt empowered to present confrontational and controversial nightmares on screen. One of the most disturbing and creative of these is Satan's Children (1975), a Florida-based production showing the dangers young people faced every day in the 1970s -- dangers like Satanic cults, gang rape, quicksand, and even marijuana.

Of course, some of your universe's reviewers don't understand Satan's Children. For example, reviewer preppy-3 writes, “Basically a boring, stupid and offensive film.” Reviewer gerrymackenzie writes, “The cinematography, sets, wardrobe and hairstyles are as ugly as the underlying message of the film.” And reviewer I_Ailurophile writes, “'Satan's children' is horrible and worthless, and no one should ever watch it.”

[Before we get into the details of the film, a trigger warning is in order, as Satan's Children depicts casual homophobia and disturbing scenes of rape. As a confrontational film about the youth of the 1970s, it pulls only a few of its punches.]

Read on for an exploration of this powerful and controversial film...

“You’ve Got ‘City’ Written All Over You” - The Demons of Ludlow (1983)

Here at Senseless Cinema, we are already well acquainted with the masterworks of Wisconsin-based filmmaker Bill Rebane -- see, for example, Invasion from Inner Earth (1974), Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake (1975), The Alpha Incident (1977), The Capture of Bigfoot (1979), The Game (1984), and Blood Harvest (1987). Today we will examine perhaps his finest film, The Demons of Ludlow (1983), a supernatural horror movie that combines the best of hit films like Poltergeist (1982) and The Fog (1980).

Some of your universe's critics, as usual, do not appreciate Mr. Rebane's work. For example, reviewer coliver calls the film "a confusing morass of time periods and storyline that threatened to put me to sleep." Reviewer FilmFatale writes, clearly blasphemously, "Really, really terrible, even for Rebane." And reviewer preppy-3 calls the film "A no-budget mess."

Read on for a much more accurate appreciation of The Demons of Ludlow...

“Dynamite the Door, Eh?” - Corpse Eaters (1974)

It is time to revel in the gory Canadian thrills of 1974's Corpse Eaters, reportedly created for $36,000 by a drive-in theater proprietor using his hard-earned nickel mining savings.

As usual, some of your universe's critics are uncharitable about Corpse Eaters. For example, reviewer Hezakiah4 writes, “Go to a field and count cow pies; it will be much more worth your while than scoping out this flik.” Reviewer Logan-22 writes, “The Corpse Eaters is hilariously awful, incompetent, yet strangely compelling in that way only bad '70 movies can be.” And reviewer Coventry writes, “In short, it simply doesn't deserve to exist.”

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Corpse Eaters...

“She’s Only an Amateur. And a Woman.” - Sound of Horror (1966)

One of the most brilliant films of the 1960s is Sound of Horror (1966), a precursor to The Night of the Living Dead (1968) and one of the few films to utilize one of the most horrifying concepts in all of cinema: an invisible monster.

Some of your universe's critics do not appreciate the revolutionary Sound of Horror. For example, reviewer vampi1960 writes, “the movie is very dull. it must be seen to be believed.” Reviewer plantonrules calls the film “Talky, dull and never the least bit good.” And reviewer bigchin_00 writes, confusingly, “It's not dreadful but it is pretty awful.”

Read on for an appreciation of Sound of Horror...

“A Lot Less Straight Up” - Through the Fire (1988)

A unique combination of detective story, demonic horror, and action movie (in that order), Through the Fire (1988) is a Texas-set near-masterpiece of tension and thrills.

Some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate one-time director Gary Marcum's magnum opus. For example, reviewer poolandrews writes bluntly, "Through the Fire is a throughly wretched piece of film-making, it has no redeeming features whatsoever & is total crap from start to finish." Reviewer kannibalcorpsegrinder writes eloquently, "This here was just utterly pitiful and plain bad." And reviewer BA_Harrison writes loquaciously, "Through the Fire is disappointing on almost every level, with a sloppy script, poor direction, choppy editing and awful acting resulting in a meandering and totally baffling experience."

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Through the Fire...

“You’re Forcing Me to Be Disagreeable” - The Witches Mountain (1973)

The Witches Mountain, a brooding horror film with a compelling lack of punctuation in the title, is a 1973 Spanish film set in the picturesque Pyrenees mountains. It hints at the 1970s theme of witchcraft as a feminist release from authority, but it also follows the exploits of a macho, mustachioed, voyeuristic photographer.

Some of your universe's critics are unfair to The Witches Mountain. For example, reviewer preppy-3 calls the film a "VERY slow-moving, incomprehensible and endless movie." Reviewer catfish-er writes, "The film was not effective on any level." And reviewer BaronBl00d writes, "I could watch the film another ten times and still not know more now than I did after the first viewing."

Read on for a fair appreciation of The Witches Mountain...

“You Haven’t Met Big Jack Yet” - Party Line (1988)

Let us turn to another classic erotic thriller, 1988's Party Line starring Leif Garrett and Richard Hatch and released in the wake of other classics such as Jagged Edge and Fatal Attraction.

Some of your universe's critics are unmoved by the quality of Party Line. For example, reviewer anxietyresister writes, “Frankly, this film bored me to tears.” Reviewer mark.waltz writes, "it fails on every level, even as camp." And reviewer Leofwine_draca calls the film "unconvincingly acted by the principal cast members, and directed in the most mundane way imaginable."

Read on for the truth about Party Line...

“There Is No Los Angeles” - In the Year 2889 (1969)

In the Year 2889 (1969) is a science fiction shocker that may or may not be set in the year 2889, directed by auteur Larry Buchanan and named after a Jules Verne story.

Some of your universe's critics are unkind to In the Year 2889. For example, reviewer preppy-3 writes, "The script is just dreadful.... The lines are just stunningly stupid." Reviewer lambiepie-2 calls the film "a great example of crap-crap-crappity-crap-crap-crap." And reviewer mark.waltz writes (admittedly cleverly), "This movie is not red hot with radio activity. It's freezing cold with complete boredom thanks to the most absurd of plot set-ups, hideous acting and absolutely rotten production values."

Read on for a full appreciation of In the Year 2889...

“I Hope You Remember That the Next Time You Get Dressed” - Curfew (1989)

Let us now examine the classic home invasion thriller from 1989, Curfew. Starring Kyle Richards and made by the director of 13 Going on 30 (2004) and Charlotte's Web (2006), this chilling film asks the question "How far will two escaped murderers go to get revenge?" and then, mostly, answers that question.

Of course, some of your universe's critics are lukewarm about this classic. For example, reviewer JohnSeal writes that the film may be seen as "severely wanting in technical proficiency, quality of screenplay, acting, and music." Reviewer HorrorFan1984 calls the film "a very skippable late 80's movie in the horror genre." And reviewer metalrage666 writes, "there are way too many plot holes and moments of mind-numbing stupidity to make this worth watching."

Read on for a more nuanced appreciation of 1989's Curfew...

“They’re Big Men from Tough Town” - Night Fright (1967)

It is time to acknowledge the brilliance of the minimalist monster movie Night Fright (1967), directed by James Sullivan, editor of Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Not only is the film a chilling creature feature, it is also a good example of the shifts in values moving from the 1960s toward the 1970s.

Some of your universe's critics are flummoxed by the brilliance of Night Fright. For example, reviewer mark.waltz writes, "Dreadfully boring and beyond recommendation, this combination mutant monster movie and beach party movie without a beach is insipidness at its most absurd." Reviewer rangeriderrango writes, " I wish I could get back the 85 minutes of my life that I wasted watching this crap." And reviewer soulexpress writes, "The writing, acting, and production values are only a smidgen above MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE."

Read on for the truth about Night Fright...

“Me You Too” - Ecstasy on Lover’s Island aka Honeymoon of Terror (1961)

Because we have already discussed Honeymoon of Horror (1964) in great detail, not to mention Honeymoon Horror (1982), it would be a mistake not to treat Honeymoon of Terror (aka Ecstasy on Lover's Island) with the same respect.

Unfortunately, some of your universe's critics fail to respect this film. For example, reviewer HumanoidOfFlesh writes, "Low-budget trash from early 60's with some of the oddest dialogue I have ever heard." Reviewer Lexzilla writes, "I don’t really have anything nice to say about the film." And reviewer RogerRabid writes, "Wow, this dddrrraaagggsss at 60 minutes."

Read on for the truth about Honeymoon of Terror aka Ecstasy on Lover's Island...

“Science Fiction Is Just a Fact of Everyday Life” - Robotropolis (2012)

We now return to our appreciation of science fiction classics with Robotropolis (2012), a film with admirable computer graphics that asks the highly original question "What would happen if robots revolted against humans?"

Of course, some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate Robotropolis. For example, reviewer davidfurlotte writes, "Seriously, did anyone even bother to THINK before they put some of these scenes together?" Reviewer slmcdee writes, humorously but incorrectly, "This movie is absolutely terrible. The best thing about this movie is... gimme a second... well the part where... nope. Okay, there are no good parts to this movie." And reviewer philip4579 writes, "It's predictable. It's anti-climatic. It's poorly thought out. Poorly acted (you know everyone is phoning it in)."

Read on for the truth about Robotropolis...

"Are We Gonna Start This Tribal Crap Again?" - The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven (1998)

When one speaks of classic films, the best of the best, one rarely thinks of superhero films, but today's appreciation covers not just a superhero film but a cynical, erotic superhero film starring Carmen Electra. I speak, of course, of The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven from 1998.

Some of your universe's critics are bizarrely unkind to The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven. Reviewer rayd-2 writes, "Almost impossible to follow, not that there is much follow in the first place. Stilted acting and an idiotic plot. This is just a very poor film." Reviewer Zanatos writes (cleverly but incorrectly), "The producers probably flew over the cuckoo's nest, because this bird-brained "Raven" should be locked in an atrium forever." And reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "This is truly pitiful stuff with barely any kind of a story to drive it forward."

Read on for a full appreciation of The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven...