“He’s Just Irish Like Most of Them Up Here” - Savage Weekend (1978)

Let us return to that proverbial diamond mine of high-quality films--the rural protoslasher--and discuss 1978's Savage Weekend, featuring acting powerhouses David Gale and William Sanderson in supporting roles.

Reviewer coventry writes, "This movie is bad, and not just low-budget bad but really BAD to the third degree. We're talking incoherent screenplay, insufferable characters, long stretches of boredom where absolutely nothing happens, predictable twists, laughable killing sequences and utterly senseless dialogs." Reviewer chrisbrown6453 writes, "What the heck is this? Is this even a horror film?....I feel as though I've lost 5% brain cells having watched this crap." And reviewer greenflea2 writes, "Other than the sex and boobs, the story is completed trash, low budget and daft."

Read on to discover the truth about Savage Weekend...

“Not Exactly a Norman Rockwell” - Silent Madness (1984)

It is time to discuss the classic Silent Madness (1984) aka Silent Madness in 3-D, starring the charming Belinda Montgomery of Man from Atlantis fame. Made by one of the directors who contributed to the infamous movie Snuff (1975), Silent Madness is one of the finer slasher films of 1984.

Some critics refuse to admit that Silent Madness is a classic. Reviewer BA_Harrison writes that the film is "over-talky, virtually bloodless, and lacking in style." Reviewer dagonseve writes, somewhat confusingly, "Silent Madness is a mistake of a film...it can easily be shelved into the Z-grade bank of Slasher-types made possible by hack directors who treated the genre like a playground for Down syndrome children. This colossal number of mishaps supersedes a figure unimaginable." And reviewer Coventry writes, "Admittedly most contemporary teen slasher movies suffer from a lack of originality, but Simon Nuchtern's film is truly an amassment of clichés, stereotypes, predictable plot twists and trite killings."

Read on if you want to know the truth about colossal mishaps and unimaginable figures and trite killings...

“Could We Have a Dracula Running Loose Out There?” - Bog (1979)

Classic Wisconsin cinema is not limited to the masterworks of Bill Rebane (see The Capture of Bigfoot, 1979; The Game, 1984; and Blood Harvest, 1987) or to the charms of The Pit (1981). One of the finest Wisconsin films is Don Keeslar's Bog (1979), a film that shares similarities with Bill Rebane's earlier Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake (1975), but which adds fascinating actors like Aldo Ray, Gloria De Haven, and Marshall Thompson of the TV series Daktari (1966-1969) and of course Ark II (1976-1976).

A selection of your universe's critics' reactions to this classic: Reviewer Pretentious_crap (clearly the reviewer's given name, unlike some of these ridiculous pseudonyms) writes, "When all is said and done, this movie is boring and irritating." Reviewer tavives writes, "My God, this movie is awful....The acting is abysmal, the editing is ridiculous." And reviewer t_brown_17 writes, "BOG is one of those movies that cannot be described in words. Well, that is, if the words 'atrocious' and 'stomach-churning' and 'mind-boggling' aren't in your vocabulary." Needless to say, these reviewers have missed the point of the film...and they have missed the proverbial boat. Please read on...

“Why Would Anyone Want to Kill an Old Caretaker?” - Monster Dog (1984)

We must continue our exploration of the films of Claudio Fragasso, and what better entry point could there be than the famous Alice Cooper vehicle Monster Dog (1984)?

Unfortunately, not all your universe's critics appreciate Monster Dog, or Mr. Fragasso for that matter. Reviewer tom_stratford writes, "Absolutely one of the worse films ever made." Reviewer Zorin-2 writes, "After I watched it I decided it was not worth the plastic it was made with and the paper it was printed on. It had horrible acting (including Alice Cooper) and really fake looking special effects." And reviewer tom-1908 writes, "This is, quite simply, the worst film I have ever seen. Not so bad it's good; just so bad. So very, very bad. Not one single person involved with it was even remotely competent in any way."

Needless to say, these reviewers are clearly confused about the difference between a bad film and a classic. Let us jump into the film and see if we can tell the difference. Please read on...

“Now I’m Having Kinetic Nightmares” - Dream Stalker (1991)

It is time to discuss the surreal shot-on-video classic Dream Stalker from 1991, an inspired variation on the Nightmare on Elm Street film series.

Some reviewers in your universe do not sufficiently respect Dream Stalker for its achievements. For example, reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "A super-naff, A Nightmare On Elm Street-inspired, shot-on-video crapfest, Dream Stalker is poorly acted, badly scripted, unimaginatively directed, and blighted by terrible pacing and horrible sound quality (much of the dialogue is almost impossible to hear)." Reviewer woodyanders writes a list of the film's characteristics, most of which are transparently ridiculous: "slack (non)direction by Christopher Mills, a plodding pace, cheesy gore, rinky-dink (not so) special effects, some tasty gratuitous nudity, a seriously scorching soft-core sex scene, a meandering narrative, tinny sound, rough cinematography, a tacky synthesizer score, zero tension or spooky atmosphere, and crummy acting from a lame no-name cast."

Are these reviewers dreaming? Read on to find out...

"What Kind of a Commando Are You?" - Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

If there are four words (and a comma) that define high-quality cinema, they are the following: Bruno Mattei, Claudio Fragasso. These filmmakers had their collective fingers on the collective pulse of the collective filmgoing public in the 1980s, and one of their finest achievements is the combined zombie/cannibal film Hell of the Living Dead (1980), aka Zombie Creeping Flesh aka Virus aka Night of the Zombie(s).

Oddly, a few of your universe's critics fail to appreciate this epic film. Reviewer Nic673 writes, "I`ve seen elementary students who could write a better script than this awful movie." Reviewer Kazetnick writes, "This is, without reservation, the worst zombie film I have ever seen. And I've seen almost all of them." And reviewer squeezebox writes (in addition to creating the word "plagiary") that the film "moves at such a maddeningly slow pace, it's an endurance test just to stay awake. Almost all its attempts at horror, whether it's gore or atmosphere, fall flat, and it's plagiary of dialogue, plot points and even MUSIC (stolen directly from the DAWN OF THE DEAD soundtrack) from it's superior predecessors is shameless."

Is the film a classic or the worst zombie film ever made? Or both? Please read on...

“If Treasure Were Everywhere, They’d Call It Rubbish” - The Evil Below (1989)

We have discussed The Rift (1989), and we have discussed Barracuda (1978), so it is time to discuss a film that combines underwater intrigue with Mr. Wayne Crawford -- 1989's The Evil Below, a classic from the Golden Age of underwater monster movies (i.e., 1989).

Typically, many of your universe's critics are unappreciative of the charms of The Evil Below and/or Wayne Crawford (blasphemy!). For example, reviewer Aaron1375 writes, "This movie was a total yawnfest that took forever to get going, but never really did." Reviewer Tikkin writes, "I manged to sit through it all (just about) but I wouldn't recommend this film to ANYONE." And reviewer poolandrews calls the film "a bit different but unfortunately that's not enough to save it from sinking to the bottom of the sea like a stone."

Let us see if The Evil Below sinks or swims [Spoiler: It swims!]...

“Hit It With a Sledgehammer and It Won’t Perform” - The Cremators (1972)

Writer/director Harry Essex wrote two acknowledged classics of the underwater monster genre, The Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) and Octaman (1971). One year after Octaman, he would co-write and direct another classic, the less well-known The Cremators (1972), a film that deserves mention along with the other Harry Essex classics.

Not all your universe's critics agree, unfortunately...for them. Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "Essex's direction is lifeless, Howard makes for a bland protagonist, and the film's visual effects are far from special." Reviewer azathothpwiggins writes, "Absurd and terminally dull, this movie is only for those few, brave souls able to withstand a severe brain hammering!" And reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "The special effects are awkward and unsatisfying, and not even cheesy enough to be amusing, while the constant focus on little rocks is laughable. Needless to say that the performances from the no-name cast members are wooden in the extreme."

Read on for a more balanced view of the tense and horrific The Cremators...

"Like a Golf Ball Being Sucked Through a Garden Hose" - The Rift (1989)

It is time to explore the wonders of Juan Piquer Simon's The Rift (1989), one of the finest underwater monster movies released in 1989 along with Leviathan (1989), The Abyss (1989), DeepStar Six (1989), Lords of the Deep (1989), and The Evil Below (1989). Mr. Simon, who had already contributed several classics to world cinema including Pieces (1982) and Slugs (1988), created perhaps the definitive 1989 underwater monster movie in The Rift.

Some in your universe disagree about the film's classic status. For example, reviewer jiangliquings says that the film "has absolutely no redeeming values, whether it's the ridiculously bad acting, the laughably awful special effects, the incompetent direction, the stupid script, or the gratingly annoying musical score." (It must be noted that Joel Goldsmith's musical score is actually very effective.) Reviewer bonesnbraids writes, "Camera shots were pretty dull and honestly it wasn't very hard to stop watching it and walk around the room to get a snack or check email." (I will not comment on my visualization of this reviewer's movie-watching room.) And reviewer vossba-99945 writes, "The acting is so bad you can't get into the movie. Even worse than the acting is the screenplay, it's like it was written by a 10 year old." (It must be noted that some of the best screenplays are written by 10-year-olds.)

Let's avoid the negativity and experience the undersea wonder of J. P. Simon's The Rift...

"This Place Seems Spooky" - The Eyes Behind the Stars (1977)

It must be admitted that the UFO genre has produced many underrated classics, including of course UFO: Target Earth (1974). The 1970s also graced the cinemagoing public with The Eyes Behind the Stars (1977), a conspiracy thriller with such twists and turns that it is unclear whether it is occurring in England or Italy, or some other location entirely.

Examples of critics failing to understand the high, high quality of The Eyes Behind the Stars include BA_Harrison, who writes, "I can vaguely recall terrible acting, numerous protracted scenes of inane dialogue between extremely dull characters, some really crap alien costumes, and the overuse of a fish eye lens to give the effect of an alien presence, but very little else." Reviewer junk-monkey calls the film "another total waste of 90 minutes of my life." And reviewer carguychris writes, "The plot is full of holes and is nearly incoherent at times." Nearly incoherent! Ridiculous! Please read on for the truth about UFOs and The Eyes Behind the Stars...

"Railroad Guys Sitting Around by the Fire Whittlin' Wood" - Ghostkeeper (1981)

It is time to change gears a little and discuss the low-key, possibly supernatural Canada-set film Ghostkeeper (1981).

The critics of your universe and unduly harsh, as always. Reviewer itsbaylis writes, "To say the plot was flimsy would be an understatement, and frankly an insult to other flimsily plotted films. It's barely existent, let alone flimsy. There doesn't seem to BE one." Reviewer WisdomsHammer writes, "It was painful but I kept watching, hoping it would get better. Hoping for at least a good payoff at the end. That didn't happen." And reviewer anxietyresister calls the film "a sorry piece of trash that should be avoided at all costs."

Read on for a more balanced view of this chilling film...