“Alcatraz Prison, or The Rock As We Called It” - I, Alien (2006) aka Reptilicant

It is time for us to analyze the science fiction/horror/action film I, Alien (2006), starring Australian martial artist Gary Daniels. This film was made during that golden age when practical effects and computer-generated effects could coexist side-by-side to create astounding imagery that would take the audience's collective breath away. In the case of I, Alien, the alien effects are all practical while the locations, helicopters, etc. are mostly computer-generated. This vibrant mix of art forms makes I, Alien one of the most satisfying action films of the 2000s.

Of course, some of your universe's critics do not appreciate I, Alien, also known as Reptilicant (which title, I must attest, might not give away the surprise ending). Reviewer Leofwine_draca writes, "The scene transitions, the direction of the actors, the editing, everything is horrible here and sinks what could have been an average production, turning it into something truly terrible." Reviewer face_of_terror concludes that everything except for the action star "is quite awful." And reviewer zoran_kamen writes, in a review that praises the film with confusing terminology, "wonder from which planet alien came, this would be really interesting topic for the gifted ones with extra psychic power !"

Read on for the truth about I, Alien...

“Dangerous Glacier Penetrations” - Invasion of the Animal People (1959)

Some cinemagoers enjoy watching Swedish films. High on their list of favorite films, no doubt, is Invasion of the Animal People (1959), a Swedish/American film about a small alien invasion directed by American actor/director Virgil W. Vogel (editor of This Island Earth and Touch of Evil and director of The Mole People), then partially reshot and reedited for American release by Jerry Warren. The result is a harrowing film about mysterious aliens transporting a large creature to Earth for unknown reasons.

Of course, some of your universe's critics are unfair to Invasion of the Animal People. For example, reviewer robertguttman writes, "A lot of people consider Ed Wood's 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' to be the worst movie ever made, but clearly those people have never seen 'Invasion of the Animal People'." Reviewer Aaron1375 writes, "The film is not good as it is such a mishmash of different things." And reviewer soulexpress calls the film an "hour-long cinematic suppository."

Obviously, these reviewers are completely incorrect. Read on for an appreciation of Invasion of the Animal People...

“If the World’s Gonna End, I Want to Know When” - The 13th Floor (1988)

Not to be confused with the later science fiction film The Thirteenth Floor (1999), The 13th Floor (1988) is an Australian ghost thriller with at one ghost and at least that many thrills. 

Some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate the chilling The 13th Floor. For example, reviewer HumanoidOfFlesh writes, ""The 13th Floor" is easily one of the worst horror films I have ever seen." Reviewer arfdawg-1 writes, "I love Oz horror movies, but this is barely a horror movie. Even the ending is ridiculous. Unfortunately, there is nothing to recommend here." And reviewer PeterMitchell-506-564364 writes, "This film is undoubtedly one of the worst and tasteless horrors Australia has ever produced, and that goes double for it's [sic] smarts."

Read on for the truth about The 13th Floor...

“Teaching Communication Skills to the Penguins Down There” - Alien Hunter (2003)

Alien Hunter is a 2003 science fiction thriller starring James Spader that asks the question, "What if aliens came to Earth and interacted with humans for a few seconds?" Although that question had already been answered years earlier in Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977), Alien Hunter adds the highly original setting of an Antarctic research base and the highly original concept of an alien object frozen in a block of ice.

Some of your universe's critics fail to see the brilliance of Alien Hunter. For example, reviewer wabl summarizes the film with "Very bad acting, and a very shallow story. Not even a decent B-Movie." Reviewer adoyle444 writes, "By god does this movie suck really bad." And reviewer adnyuk dismisses the film as "Disjointed - poorly filmed - non directed junk."

Of course, these reviewers are incorrect. Read on for an accurate assessment of Alien Hunter...

“Government Business! Strictly Government!” - Missile to the Moon (1958)

Directly after the classic jungle adventure She Demons (1958), director Richard E. Cunha released a classic of the spaceship genre, Missile to the Moon (also 1958), thus cementing his reputation as a master of multiple genres.

Some of your universe's critics, as always, fail to see the genius of Missile to the Moon. For example, reviewer Hitchcoc focuses on the performances when they write, "The acting is ridiculous." Reviewer mark.waltz, also focusing on the performances, writes, "The acting is hideous, particularly by the space women and ranks up there with the worst performances of all time." And reviewer bkoganbing, incredibly also focusing on the performances, writes, "In fact all the players look like they're in terrible need of ExLax."

Read on for an accurate appreciation of Missile to the Moon...

“Hidden Behind A Hard, Tough Crust” - She Demons (1958)

After making the classic Giant from the Unknown (1958), director/cinematographer Richard E. Cunha followed up with the horror film She Demons (1958), an exploration of Nazi science and beautiful women turned into disfigured monsters.

Some of your universe's critics fail to appreciate She Demons for its contributions to cinema. For example, reviewer jnselko writes, "There is nothing good about this movie at all, not plot, dialogue, acting, directing-nothing." Reviewer dave13-1 writes, "She Demons is a buffet of incompetence and poor planning." And reviewer Fargo_North writes, "Watching this was an almost painful ordeal because of the really bad acting, the lousy dialog, the lame attempts at humor and the incoherent plot!"

Read on for the truth about She Demons...

“I Mean Sweating and Going Nuts” - Granny (1999)

Let us return to the late 1990s to investigate how the phenomenon of Wes Craven's Scream (1996) was influencing amateur regional slasher films. We turn to Granny (1999), a Chicago-based slasher that is short and to-the-point. Although it is not a slasher film about slasher films like Scream, it is about demonstrating a person's worst fear (whether or not that person is in the room) and how the artifice of the movies invades real life.

Some of your universe's critics fail to see the power and innovation of Granny. For example, reviewer pizowell writes, rather rudely, "Take my advice and steer clear of that dirty old hag The Granny." Reviewer bigpappa1--2 says the film "has some of the dumbest characters and situations to ever grace a television screen." And reviewer trevhurt writes, "This film is truly execrable in all departments. Script, acting, plot, direction and editing are all uniformly awful."

Read on for the truth about Granny...

“Lick the Paper” - Ratpocalypse (2017)

Political satire is a tricky film genre to get right, so it is no surprise that it should be left to skilled professionals, like Russian Christians. Vladimir Uglichin's Ratpocalypse (2017) is a satire that brilliantly roasts the greed and corruption of politicians, and it stars Hollywood mega-star Casper Van Dien as a messenger from God. For what more could one ask?

Some of your universe's critics apparently want more. For example, reviewer erick-peisker writes, somewhat cryptically, "The plot has so many holes the rats must have ate through them and the rest of the bad acting." Reviewer dcordova-65217 calls the film "so bad you can't really focus on anything but its flaws." And reviewer a-shane-bishop writes, with no evidence, "it's like the director died mid editing and his son took over."

Read on for a more balanced appreciation of the brilliant political satire that is Ratpocalypse...

“People Don’t Start Dying After a Heated Game of Scrabble” - Knight Chills (2001)

The 2001 thriller Knight Chills deals with the frightening relationship between role playing games like Dungeons & Dragons and supernatural murder. Even though it was released nearly two decades after the link between role playing and Satanism was supported by various (possibly crazy) religious leaders, Knight Chills is a terrifyingly realistic investigation of how such a hobby can destroy lives.

As predicted, your universe's critics are not chilled by Knight Chills. For example, reviewer mike3018 writes, “The story, acting, script, camera work, and sets, were among the worst I've ever suffered through.” Reviewer votok writes, “Terrible Dialog, Abysmal Line Delivery, Truly HORRIBLE lighting and filming, and Zero Acting ability from all involved. And a hopelessly amateur plot to top it all off. What a complete mess!” And reviewer samiam4evajuliannasmann writes, “This film just doesn't have any good parts to it at all. The "actors" are all so stiff and fail to portray any character reality at all, so you don't really feel for them or care about the story at all.”

Read on for the truth about Knight Chills...

“But This Is Stupid” - Hangar 18 (1980)

Serious films about UFO conspiracies are often spectacular successes, and Hangar 18 (1980) is no exception. The film has thrills, chills, and one jump scare, so it is clearly far better than its inspirations, Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) and Capricorn One (1977).

As usual, your universe's critics are useless here. For example, reviewer cuiloni writes, "A mediocre film, rather predictable film." Reviewer Sterno-2 writes, "The movie has plot holes large enough for the Rockettes to dance through." And reviewer buckrulze writes, "This movie is so bad I couldn't wait for it to end. It is an epic failure from opening to the closing credits."

Read on for the hidden truth about Hanger 18...

“And Then, Later, Broadswords” - Empire of the Dark (1991)

In 1982, Steve Barkett created The Aftermath, a classic post-apocalyptic thriller. Nine years later, he wrote and directed Empire of the Dark (1991), an adventure fantasy full of sword-fighting, monsters, and gore. He never directed another movie, though he appeared in several films produced by Fred Olen Ray, who also produced Empire of the Dark. Fortunately, both of the films Mr. Barkett directed are classics.

Your universe's critics are wrong again. For example, reviewer paulmichaelgray writes, "Like they have said. This film is terrible." Reviewer godinamachine writes that "its [sic] got the campy acting, wierd music and stylized feel of older film in general." And reviewer abduktionsphanomen writes, "its production values are completely lacking."

Read on for the truth about Steve Barkett's Empire of the Dark (1991)...