“A Jesus Freak Now Believes in Spacemen” - Heatstroke (2008) - Film #168

How could a movie with alien dinosaurs, D. B. Sweeney, and Danica McKellar fail to be a classic? Of course, that is a rhetorical question, signaling the beginning of our discussion of 2008's Heatstroke, a classic monster movie set in a tropical paradise.

Some of your universe's critics fail to understand classics like Heatstroke. For example, reviewer rob_p writes, "The script was deplorable. Predictable and cliché ridden. The characters were flat and uninteresting. The CGI aliens are appallingly bad." Reviewer kiawa77 writes, "I just kept watching it in order to write a review on it, but I can't even write a decent review because it was really that bad. A terrible, illogical script with a set of wooden actors delivering their lines in a very flat way." And reviewer kiat-2 writes, "The director has cooked up a turkey - the very worst film I've seen for a long time."

Read on...

“It’s Just Not Cool When a Guy Just Honks His Horn” - The Zodiac Killer (1971) - Film #167

We have not yet explored one of the most famous and fascinatingly unique films of all time, pizza restauranteur Tom Hanson's The Zodiac Killer (1971) aka Zodiac, one of a handful of films made as a plot by a private citizen to provide the public service of catching a serial killer.

Reviewer preppy-3 writes, "It's all too obvious padding--and boring padding at that! There's also tons of misogynistic comments, terrible dialogue, low production values and unsure direction." Reviewer wilburscott writes, "Obviously made by people who were not too hip to film-making, the film is shoddy and poorly shot." And reviewer utgard14 writes, "It's got some grit, I'll give it that, but it's all just so cheap, slow, and dull that I couldn't enjoy it."

Read on to find out more about The Zodiac Killer...

“A Message Board for Weirdos” - Dial Code Santa Claus (1990) - Film #166

In the holiday season, the film lover's thoughts turn to holiday classics. Last year, Senseless Cinema looked at the British classic Don't Open Till Christmas (1984). This year, we consider Rene Manzon's Dial Code Santa Claus (1990).

In a turn of events that might be considered a holiday miracle, even your universe's critics love Dial Code Santa Claus. As I am unable to find any negative reviews of this classic, read on to see why the film is so beloved...

“If There’s a Heaven, She’s Got a Box Seat” - Doom Asylum (1988) - Film #165

One of the most difficult of genres is the horror comedy. Let us turn to one of the finest examples of this genre, a film which succeeds based on its calculated risk of making the horror only mildly horrific and the comedy even less amusing. The film is Doom Asylum (1988), an early film directed by Richard Friedman, veteran of TV shows such as Tales from the Darkside and Friday the 13th: The Series, not to mention feature films such as Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge (1989).

Of course, some critics do not appreciate comedy or horror. For example, reviewer dood15 writes, " i think this is really the worst movie i've ever seen. no plot, horrible effects, just plain bad." Reviewer Mr Blue-4 writes, "There might be a worse movie out there than this one, but I wouldn't want to see it. This is bad enough. Completely unfunny, and needless to say unscary, horror spoof of slasher films." And reviewer paul_haakonsen writes, "This movie was a horror comedy of sorts, but it failed on both fronts. There was nothing funny about it, and I wasn't laughing even a single time. Nor were there any real horror to it, unless you count some questionable slasher feature as being proper horror."

Despite these reviews, please read on to find out the truth about the rediscovered gem Doom Asylum...

“Things Just Sort of Pop Into It” - Night Vision (1987) - Film #164

When last we visited the mean streets of Denver, it was to celebrate the late Michael Krueger's Mindkiller (1987). Let us now visit Mr. Krueger's ambitious follow-up, Night Vision, released the same year.

Reviewer kannibalcorpsegrinder writes, "Among the many problems with this one is that there's just not enough screen-time here to really get invested in the horror angle behind this one as far too much time is taken up with lame and non- frightening scenarios that just don't give off any true horror feel from any of the scenes." Reviewer yourmotheratemydog715 writes, "It's actually very slow-moving, nothing much really happens, it completely shies away from gore and nudity, and it's not really even a horror movie." And reviewer liefcs writes, "Poor acting, virtually non-existent script, and also makes the mistake of taking itself seriously."

Heaven forbid anything take itself seriously! Read on for the truth about Michael Krueger's Night Vision...

“I Just Automatically Think of Mosquitoes” - Fatal Exposure (1989) - Film #163

There are times when a filmmaker takes a risk by combining multiple genres, and the result is a refreshing step above the limitations of any of its genres. Such is the case with director Peter B. Good's Fatal Exposure (1989), a shot-on-video mixture of late-night soft-core antics and gore movies.

While some critics in your universe appreciate the film, others do not. For example, reviewer Chouty writes, "If you want to see a bunch of cheap Special FX with no class, rent this movie. But I wouldn't waste my $2.00 on it." And reviewer JimInDC writes, "Photographer kidnaps and kills models while his dense girlfriend procures more victims without having any clue as to what he is doing. Made on a $1.59 budget."

Read on for an appreciation of the many charms of Fatal Exposure...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Now go watch Blood Rage (1987) ...

  

"Expect Your Enemy Any Time, Any Place" - The Stay Awake (1988) - Film #162

For those audience members interested in combining a slasher movie with the 1980s sitcom The Facts of Life, The Stay Awake (1988) fits the bill nicely. The film introduces a supernatural killer with the ambitious goal of ravaging and, for some reason, marrying schoolgirls.

With such an original plot, I would expect your universe's critics to view The Stay Awake favorably. I would be wrong. Reviewer Shadow_Destiny writes, "I wish I never saw it! This movie is easily summed up in one word... Boring! The first hour or so of the movie is just a bunch of girls talking and goofing around." (How could such a thing be boring?) The next day, Shadow_Destiny posted another review of the same film, adding, "The only reason I would recommend this movie is if you are suffering from insomnia... because this movie WON"T make you stay awake!" On a related note, a reviewer with the name insomniac_rod writes, "Please avoid this one at all costs. There's nothing good about it..."

Continue reading to hear the truth about The Stay Awake...

"So We'll Miss the Food Part. Who Cares?" - End of the World (1977) - Film #161

It is time (past time, if you ask me) to explore one of Charles Band's early films as a producer, a collaboration with the great Christopher Lee called End of the World (1977), a science fiction classic produced one year before one of Mr. Band's breakout hits, Laserblast (1978).

As usual, brilliance tends to go unrecognized by your universe's film critics. Reviewer buddydavis writes, "this movie is truly almost unwatchable due to the disjointed script and plot, poor effects and sound, poor image quality (the image is so dark it is almost impossible to view many of the scenes)..." Reviewer vampi1960 writes inaccurately, "like tentacles(77) a good cast does not mean it'll be a good film." And reviewer Maciste_Brother writes, "Wow, END OF THE WORLD is a singularly underwhelming cinematic experience."

Please read on...

"I Said a Lot of Things. Get Out." - Curse II: The Bite (1998) - Film #160

In 1987, actor David Keith directed his first film, The Curse, an Italian-produced film that can only be described as a lackluster adaptation of H. P. Lovecraft's The Colour Out of Space. While Mr. Keith would go on to direct and star in the creatively more successful The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck (1988), the producers (a list that includes cinematic legends Ovidio Assonitis, Moshe Diamant, and Lucio Fulci) would continue the Curse franchise with the superior Curse II: The Bite in 1998, hiring Frederico Prosperi, the producer of Wild Beasts (1984) to direct. The result was a slow-burn body horror film involving a snakebite and a hand transforming into a snake, though in fact no trace of a curse.

As is usually the case, many of your universe's esteemed critics are wrong about this film. For example, reviewer DarthBob writes, "The special effects are terrible and overcompensated for by being way more gooey and graphic than they needed to be. I've seen episodes of 'Perfect Strangers' that were more suspensful." Reviewer callanvass writes, "This is stupendously awful stuff." And reviewer michaelRokeefe writes, " It is not scary, not meant to be funny and lacks anything much redeemable."

Read on to see exactly why these critics are wrong...

“This New Twist is Really Giving Me the Willies” - Unhinged (1982) - Film #159

It is time to visit the 1982 slasher film Unhinged, a film that incorporates many aspects of the protoslasher despite being released well into the slasher boom of the early 1980s.

Many of your universe's critics fail to appreciate this suspense classic. Reviewer spastickitchen writes, "The plot is actually not the worst I've seen, but it's close. The acting is not the worst I've seen either...but it's close. The production .... well, I can honestly say that it was the worst I had ever seen in my life!" Reviewer soggycow writes, "One of the things that makes this movie awful is the acting. Lisa Munson, who plays the main character, looks as though she is reading her lines off cue cards." And reviewer startide77 writes, "This film is without a doubt the most inept attempt at film making I've ever seen."

Of course, the film is not inept in any way. Read on for more details...