Monday, August 19, 2019

“You’ve Seen All Kinds of Dead Deer Before” - Bloodbeat (1981) - Film #148

As everyone knows, Wisconsin has always been a major center of film production that has produced a high proportion of classic films--and that is true just based on the output of Bill Rebane alone. Let us now look at the horror film Bloodbeat (1981) aka Blood Beat, directed by Fabrice Zaphiratos.

Oddly, even some of your universe's critics are immune to the charms of rural Wisconsin. Reviewer lthseldy1 writes, "I found this movie to be one of the most boring slow paced early 80's movies that I have ever seen." Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "I haven't the faintest idea what writer/director Fabrice A. Zaphiratos was thinking when he made this oddball horror-very little about the film makes sense-and the result is definitely one of the strangest films of the '80s." And reviewer ThyDavideth writes, "The filmmakers should of laid off the crack, heroine, meth, angel dust, acid, horse tranquilizers and so forth while making this movie."

Read on for the truth about Bloodbeat, which amply maintains the quality level for which Wisconsin filmmaking is justly renowned...

Monday, August 12, 2019

"Third-Rate Actors Go Real Far in Politics" - Mindkiller (1987) - Film #147

It is time to assess Denver-based director Michael Kruger's Mindkiller (1987).

Reviewer FieCrier writes, "The movie is pretty uneventful until towards the end when the effects of the manuscript have really taken hold. It's not worth watching." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "Yep, this is another mindless (see what I did there?) time-waster, full of lamentable performances, a cheesy sex scene, and some amusing prosthetic gore effects." And reviewer Tikkin writes that the film is "even more boring than some of the worst 80's horror flicks!"

Please read on...

Monday, August 5, 2019

“Stampeded by Rubbernecks and Souvenir Hunters” - Giant from the Unknown (1958) - Film #146

At Senseless Cinema, we rarely examine films from before the mid to late 1960s (because, apparently, all movies before 1960 are either acknowledged classics or worthless). Let us delve back into those early days of cinema to discuss Richard E. Cunha's Giant from the Unknown (1958), in which a towering giant who is well over 6 feet tall comes back from the dead to inconvenience the residents of a small mountain town.

As always, some critics are shockingly unimpressed by Giant from the Unknown. Reviewer shugaron316 writes, "This is one of the most dreadfully bad of the 50's B flicks." Reviewer khunkrumark writes, "From the stolid (not in a good way) direction and the hackneyed script, to the multiple narrative failures of the plot, there must have been better ways for Astor Pictures to squander the $50,000 budget that was set aside for this turkey, right?" And reviewer Michael_Elliott writes confusingly, "The look of the monster really didn't impress me either nor did his little outfit." (Spoiler: His outfit is not little.)

Read on for a true picture of this misunderstood giant...

Monday, July 29, 2019

“This Young Man Has an Explosive Capacity in Him” - The Reincarnate (1971) - Film #145

Canadian spirituality is the topic of only the finest cinematic classics, and 1971's The Reincarnate is no exception.

Unsurprisingly, some of your universe's critics are intellectually ill-equipped to properly respect The Reincarnate. For example, on IMDB, reviewer anxietyresister writes, "Yep, here it is.. the worst movie I've ever reviewed on this site....this is by some distance the most snoozeworthy, waste of space of a film I have seen in many a moon.. so take advantage of it's rarity by steering clear of it like a landmine on the motorway." Reviewer Rainey-Dawn writes, "The film is just overly long and boring. It's trying to be a mysterious occult horror-thriller but it fails miserably to be what it wants to be." And reviewer zeppo-2 calls the film an "overlong, overwrought, pretentious diatribe on reincarnation."

Blasphemy! Please continue reading for a more balanced opinion about the Canadian classic The Reincarnate...

Monday, July 22, 2019

"These Things Happen When They Happen" - Night Claws (2012) - Film #144

Having explored the artistic wonders of Sledge Hammer (1983), Aerobi-Cide (1987), and Deadly Prey (1987), we shall now catch up with one of the later projects of prolific director David A. Prior, who tragically died in 2015. Night Claws (2012) is an example of one of the most revered film genres, the killer bigfoot movie (see also the classics Night of the Demon, Demonwarp, Curse of Bigfoot, and The Capture of Bigfoot).

Not all of your universe's critics appreciate the simplicity and suspense of Night Claws. For example, reviewer davannacarter writes, "It's clear everyone involved with this movie knew this movie would suck. And if you watch this movie, you'll know it's gonna suck within the first 10 minutes." Reviewer brian-royer-286-857305 writes, "The writing is awful. Everything else is pretty much awful too." And reviewer bear22771 writes, "I can safely say this is the worst film i have ever had the misfortune to watch, in fact it was that bad i had to turn it off an hour into it."

Please read on for a full appreciation of late-period David A. Prior...

Monday, July 15, 2019

“Shoot Our Breakfast to Us with a Cannon” - The Crater Lake Monster (1977)

While nearly all lake/swamp/bog monster movies are bona fide classics (see, for instance, Bog and Island of the Fishmen), one of them rises above the others. Of course, I am referring to stop motion enthusiast William R. Stromberg's only directorial effort, The Crater Lake Monster (1977).

Here are some examples of your universe's top critics' reactions to the film. The famed critic swedzin writes, eloquently if incorrectly, "...don't come near this film, it's bad, boring, lame, it doesn't apply to your mind, it just repel off your head. Nothing special happens… just boring, boring stuff." Even more famed critic callanvass writes, "This is one of the worst movies i have ever seen it's EXTREMELY boring with lots of boring dialog and has some VERY annoying characters and a laughable looking creature." And the still more famed critic MooCowMo writes, "The Crater Lake Monster is easily one of the most awful, amateurish film I've ever seen."

Needless to say (as I always say), these critics are quite mistaken. Please read on to experience the wonders of The Crater Lake Monster...

Monday, July 8, 2019

“Birds Invented Flying, Remember?” - Beaks (1986)

We have not delved into the classic filmography of Mexico's Rene Cardona, Jr. since we discussed one of his finest films, The Night of 1,000 Cats (1972). Let us jump ahead 14 years to 1986 and turn to Mr. Cardona, Jr.'s similarly animal-themed film Beaks, a jet-setting adventure of international proportions starring heartthrobs Christopher Atkins and Michelle Johnson.

Some of your universe's critics are characteristically uncharitable about Beaks (also known as Beaks: The Movie, Birds of Prey, and Evil Birds, not to mention The Birds 2: The Fear in Italy). Reviewer Evil-Dead-Girl writes, "The acting was worse than I've seen at an elementary school Christmas play- the script too, for that matter." Reviewer wes-connors writes, "There are some promising scenes, but the pace and editing are astonishingly bad - perhaps no editing was done, and Mr. Cardona tried to make a movie with the footage he had." And reviewer EdYerkeRobins writes, "The acting is bad, the deaths are gory and goofy at best (although I must admit the hawk tearing one guy's eye out is pretty funny), and the thin plot is worn out within the first 10 minutes of the film, and drags on and on and on to an ending that makes no sense."

Read on to properly appreciate Rene Cardona, Jr.'s Beaks...

Monday, July 1, 2019

"Near Denver? Are They Nuts?" - The Alpha Incident (1977)

Let's return to the collection of classics made by the prolific Wisconsin filmmaker Bill Rebane (see also Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake, 1975; The Capture of Bigfoot, 1979; The Game, 1984; and of course Blood Harvest, 1987). We will now discuss The Alpha Incident (1977), a politically savvy descent into science fiction horror that involves a Martian pathogen and a lonely train depot.

Shockingly, not all of your universe's critics see The Alpha Incident for the classic that it is. Reviewer dmj245 writes, a bit awkwardly, "I've seen high school plays that had more life and action by children with little or no talent, than what this movie expresses." Reviewer BobaFett_1138 writes, with a keen sense of spelling, "The story and the dialog are both awful! The premise is really ridicules and flawed and doesn't ever has enough suspense to it." And reviewer graduatedan writes, judgementally, "I 'm not sure if the director intended this film to be a character study or a thriller, but either way, The Alpha Incident fails miserably."

Read on for a truly objective discussion of The Alpha Incident, one of Bill Rebane's finest forays into science fiction...

Monday, June 24, 2019

"Yes! But Not Really" - Necromancer (1988)

Having already sung the praises of Necromancy (1972), let us now turn to Necromancer (1988), directed by Dusty Nelson, who had made the Pittsburgh-based horror film Effects (1980) with Tom Savini and Joe Pilato before turning to martial arts films. Necromancer is a classic example of a colorful 1980s supernatural horror film, and it features the charming Russ Tamblyn.

Not everyone appreciates Necromancer, of course. Reviewer anxietyresister writes, with a measure of what might be called sexism, "a tedious affair, with fake blood & guts galore and far too many shots of blokes in their underpants." The famous reviewer Mike_T-Little_Mtn_Sound_Archive writes, "When it was released, it was pretty cheesy, but rewatching this movie 30+ years later, it just doesn't hold up." And reviewer BA_Harrison (a critic I am beginning to believe does not like any of the classics) writes that the film is "a fairly dreadful straight-to-video bottom shelf filler, with weak performances and woeful visual effects."

How dreadful is Necromancer? Not dreadful at all! Read on to see why...

Monday, June 17, 2019

"Everybody Plays Tennis" - Devil's Express (1976)

One genre that we have not given its full due here on Senseless Cinema is the blaxploitation/martial arts/monster film. Let us correct that with a discussion of Devil's Express (1976) aka Gang Wars.

Some of your universe's critics are inexplicably unkind to Devil's Express. Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "Technically inept (several scenes feature characters talking but we can hear no dialogue), poorly written (horrible jive street-talk is taken to the max) and dreadfully directed (the fight scenes are laughable), The Devil's Express is, without a doubt, a terrible film." Reviewer Bloodwank writes, "Sadly the monster scenes are quite weak and there are only a couple of gore shots." And reviewer El-Stumpo describes the film as "Bad acting, ham-fisted fighting and peppered with the most gut-wrenchingly exaggerated jive."

These critics are quite mistaken, of course. Please read on to see how mistaken they are...

Monday, June 10, 2019

“That Was the Name on the Mailbox” - Deadly Prey (1987)

Let us continue to explore the deep, deep well of quality that is the filmography of the late David A. Prior. Beyond Sledge Hammer (1983) and Aerobi-Cide (1987), we move to his action classic Deadly Prey (1987),  fine showcase for Mr. Prior’s brother Ted that also features Cameron Mitchell and Troy Donahue in pivotal roles.

Some critics are immune to Deadly Prey's considerable charms. For example, reviewer plantostickthat writes, "EVERYTHING about this movie is poor. EVERYTHING." Reviewer sunznc writes that the audience is "subjected to bad sound, bad editing, horrible dialog and a tedious, relentless 88 minutes of men chasing other men and pretending to be blown up by low budget grenades and gun fire. But the acting isn't just bad, it's PAINFUL! " And reviewer richard__ writes, "It was far and away the worst film I have ever come across. Deserves to be the #1 all-time worst ;-) No acting, no plot, very little speaking." (I would ask richard__ when "speaking" became a measure of the quality of a film. Never, that is when.)

Despite the opinions of these "critics," Deadly Prey is an acknowledged classic of the action genre, and it begs to be studied in great deal. Please read on...