Monday, November 19, 2018

"I Don't Care About the Telephone. I Want a Hot Dog!" - The Bleeder (1983) aka Blodaren


If the Swedish film industry is known for one thing, it is slasher movies (or possibly art films or thrillers, but mostly slasher movies). The highlight of the nation's filmic output is undoubtedly The Bleeder (1983), also known as Blodaren, one of the brightest slasher films ever made.

Oddly, some of your universe's leading critics fail to admit The Bleeder's classic status. For example, reviewer superc0ntra writes, "This is probably the worst movie distributed to the public ever." Reviewer HumanoidOfFlesh writes, "The plot is idiotic and the acting is hideously bad....The action moves at snail's pace and the film is utterly lifeless and annoying.A chore to sit through." Reviewer psycroptic writes, "The overall quality of this film isn't all that good, in fact it really stinks."

Obviously, these reviews are misinformed, cruelly so. Please read on for an objective view of the first Swedish slasher movie...

Monday, November 12, 2018

"Like Being on an Elevator With No Elevator" - UFO: Target Earth (1974)


Having recently reviewed Michael de Gaetano's metaphysical Western ghost story Haunted (1977), it is appropriate that we move on to Mr. de Gaetano's first film, the metaphysical UFO movie titled UFO: Target Earth (1974). (We will ignore the fact that the title has either misplaced its colon, or has forgotten to add a second colon.)

Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "One of the sorriest excuses I've ever seen for a movie, UFO: TARGET EARTH is the pits." Reviewer vigilante407-1 writes, "UFO Target Earth is, quite simply, the single most boring movie I've ever seen. It tries to be artsy, but falls flat on its face." Reviewer jtp21455 writes, in a very personal narrative, "I have always been very interested in the UFO phenomenon and i couldn't wait to see this movie when it came out in 1974, so my ex-wife and i went to see it at a drive-in movie....This movie was so bad i looked around and everyone else left, and we were the only ones left, i finally couldn't take it anymore and we also left."

These reviewers ignore the film's metaphysical commentary, so their opinions must be corrected. Please read on...

Monday, November 5, 2018

"The Voice of His Blood Crying Out to Me from the Ground" - Haunted (1977)



Let us turn to the Arizona-set film Haunted (1977), a fine example of one of the most difficult of subgenres: the ghost story without ghosts. Instead of a horror movie, Haunted is a deep psychological drama set in an abandoned wild west movie ranch. As if the concept were not enough to establish the film as a classic, it also stars as romantic partners the 51-year-old Aldo Ray and the 57-year-old Virginia Mayo.

Reviewer BA_Harrison calls Haunted "A dull, perplexing mess that makes not one iota of sense." Reviewer aftermathsystems, who worked on the film, writes, "Working the set I felt like a high school drama class could have done a better job." Reviewer jeopelkarma writes, "This is bad. Really bad. Bad acting, script, sets, everything." (It must be argued, however, that, objectively, the sets in the film are quite good.)


Monday, October 29, 2018

Check Out My Story: "Moonface Returns"



My short story “Moonface Returns” is included in the collection Under the Full Moon’s Light, edited by Emma Nelson and Hannah Smith and published by Owl Hollow Press.

Check it out!

Monday, October 22, 2018

"Ice Cream for Breakfast?" - Blood Frenzy (1987)


In 1987, most of the horror genre had moved beyond wilderness slasher films, but that does not mean that several classics in that subgenre were not still to be made. Case in point: Blood Frenzy, a formidable slasher set in the desert near Barstow, California featuring Lisa Loring, Wednesday Addams herself.

Reviewer Zbigniew_Krycsiwiki writes that "the characters are all so very annoying, and the gore effects are all so underwhelming they aren't worth waiting for." Reviewer ofumalow writes, "This is a mediocre low-budget slasher with poor gore effects (that it inexplicably dwells on, so you really have time to appreciate how unconvincingly rubbery that neck-slashing looks) and dumb characters." And reviewer obscurecinema101 writes, "Unfortunately, BLOOD FRENZY became a little too repetitive for its own good....During the climactic showdown, it just turns to all out goofiness, which really doesn't work in the film's favor."

Continue reading for an unbiased look at the quality of the desert survival slasher Blood Frenzy...

Monday, October 15, 2018

"If I'm Not Mistaken, They Want to Hurt Us" - Adam and Eve Meet the Cannibals (1983)


At Senseless Cinema, we rarely look at historical films, but this oversight will be rectified as we travel all the way back to the beginning of humanity to see the true story of Adam and Eve Meet the Cannibals (1983), also known as Adam and Eve, Blue Paradise, and Adam and Eve: The First Love Story.

Not everyone in your universe understands the relevance or the sumptuous dramatic qualities of this film. Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "ADAM AND EVE MEET THE CANNIBALS is undoubtedly the weirdest Bible story you'll ever see....one memorably bad film." Reviewer Michael_Elliott writes, "we've got some really lame performances and the dubbing is pretty bad as well but there's really not too much dialogue." Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "Obviously, this is far from great cinema, and not really deserving of a very high rating."

Not really deserving of a very high rating? Please read on to see why this Italian historical epic is indeed really deserving of a very high rating...

Monday, October 8, 2018

"Accident? Lady, That Man Was Hung!" - Criminally Insane II (1987)


Having just reviewed Nick Millard's masterwork Criminally Insane (1975), it is time to move on to its sequel, the slightly different though no less brilliant Criminally Insane 2 (1987), aka Crazy Fat Ethel II.

Some writers have trouble understanding the nuances of this film. Reviewer udar55 writes, "HOLY MOLY! Does this movie suck! You know you are in trouble when the open credits start up and they are just the credits from the first film, apparently filmed off a TV screen." Reviewer Hammett writes, rather cleverly though incorrectly, "This film was poorly made with cheap effects and even worse acting. The characters are so wooden when delivering their lines that they should be standing out in front of a cigar store." And reviewer Kastore writes, "This is the most boring worthless piece of crap I've ever wasted an hour of my life on."

Needless to say, these opinions are not worth the paper they are printed on. Please continue reading so that you may fully appreciate Nick Millard's Criminally Insane II...

Monday, October 1, 2018

"My Heart's Just Fine as Long as My Stomach's Not Empty" - Criminally Insane (1975)


We now turn to an acknowledged classic of the horror genre, Criminally Insane (1975), directed by Nick Millard (aka Nick Philips).

Despite the film's acclaim, some critics in your universe refuse to give it the proper respect. For example, reviewer jwvongoethe1800 writes, "OH MY GOD WAS THIS MOVIE BAD....AVOID THIS AT ALL COSTS!!! (especially the sequel)." Reviewer lemon_magic writes, "The dreariness and awfulness never let up, even for an instant." Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "With a terrible script, not one appealing character, amateurish direction, editing that is more of a butcher job than any of Ethel's murders, and the most unrealistic gore imaginable (the blood looks like red emulsion, probably because it is), I didn't find this to be a case of 'so bad it's good' just plain bad."

Please read on and I will elucidate the unequaled qualities of Criminally Insane...

Monday, September 24, 2018

"Why Are Your Paintings So Grotesque?" - Scream Baby Scream (1969)


It is now my pleasure to talk about a relatively obscure film, Scream Baby Scream (1969), written by the brilliant Larry Cohen. As a film that features a mad artist and a mad surgeon, this film could not help but be a classic.

As usual with undiscovered classics, many critics from your universe are incapable of seeing the quality of this film. Reviewer chanvat writes, "This film is absolutely not scary. To even call this horror or a 'thriller' is laughable." Reviewer tromafreak writes, "Scream Baby Scream very well may be the worst in Florida horror/gore of its era, but, I suppose, underneath the unlikeable characters, and the incoherent plot, lies potential." Reviewer cameraslave43 writes, "Uuuugh this is an ugly movie. The ultimate bargain basement thriller."

It is time to explore Scream Baby Scream in more detail. Please read on...

Monday, September 17, 2018

"Spin Out and Boil Your Hair!" - New Year's Evil (1980)


It is time to return to the slasher subgenre with New Year's Evil (1980), the classic holiday slasher from Emmet Alston, the director who would go on to create perhaps the definitive alien bigfoot film, Demonwarp (1988).

Unfortunately, all critics are not enamored with New Year's Evil. On IMDB, reviewer preppy-3 writes, "This is a rock-bottom, stupid, boring, horrendous 'Halloween' clone." (I must take issue with the word "clone," as there are basically zero similarities between New Year's Evil and Halloween.) Reviewer skutter-2 writes, "Everything about the movie is cheap, scuzzy and ugly." (Here I must take issue with the word "everything.") Reviewer dzizwheel writes, "Muddled plot, loose ends....Too many plot machinations to allow the viewer to suspend disbelief unless he's on some mind altering substance while viewing." (Here I must take issue with every word in the sentence, except perhaps "allow." Perhaps.)

Let us move on to our description of this classic slasher film. Please read on if you appreciate cleverness and creativity in your golden age slasher movies...

Monday, September 10, 2018

"Getting Ready for a Date with Tom Selleck" - The Dark Power (1985)


The wave of supernatural horror films that followed the success of The Evil Dead (1981), colloquially known as "cabin in the woods" films, produced a high proportion of excellent cinematic masterworks. One of these is The Dark Power (1985), a North Carolina-shot movie about demonic Toltecs starring Western whip specialist Lash LaRue.

Some critics in your universe, as usual, fail to appreciate the film's charms. Reviewer coventry writes, "'The Dark Power' is an indescribably cheesy and inept piece of 80's horror crap." Reviewer samax_89 writes, "A total and utter travesty of a movie. 'Dark Power' is the kind of film even Troma would be embarrassed to release.The script,direction,acting and action sequence's are so dire as to be almost painful to watch." Reviewer jimevarts summarizes his opinion: "I put this movie somewhere above Suburban Sasquatch and below Birdemic in cinematic quality, plot, and writing."

I feel compelled to dispel these ridiculous opinions. Read on for an appreciation of The Dark Power (1985)...