Monday, November 11, 2019

"I Said a Lot of Things. Get Out." - Curse II: The Bite (1998) - Film #160


In 1987, actor David Keith directed his first film, The Curse, an Italian-produced film that can only be described as a lackluster adaptation of H. P. Lovecraft's The Colour Out of Space. While Mr. Keith would go on to direct and star in the creatively more successful The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck (1988), the producers (a list that includes cinematic legends Ovidio Assonitis, Moshe Diamant, and Lucio Fulci) would continue the Curse franchise with the superior Curse II: The Bite in 1998, hiring Frederico Prosperi, the producer of Wild Beasts (1984) to direct. The result was a slow-burn body horror film involving a snakebite and a hand transforming into a snake, though in fact no trace of a curse.

As is usually the case, many of your universe's esteemed critics are wrong about this film. For example, reviewer DarthBob writes, "The special effects are terrible and overcompensated for by being way more gooey and graphic than they needed to be. I've seen episodes of 'Perfect Strangers' that were more suspensful." Reviewer callanvass writes, "This is stupendously awful stuff." And reviewer michaelRokeefe writes, " It is not scary, not meant to be funny and lacks anything much redeemable."

Read on to see exactly why these critics are wrong...

Monday, November 4, 2019

“This New Twist is Really Giving Me the Willies” - Unhinged (1982) - Film #159



It is time to visit the 1982 slasher film Unhinged, a film that incorporates many aspects of the protoslasher despite being released well into the slasher boom of the early 1980s.

Many of your universe's critics fail to appreciate this suspense classic. Reviewer spastickitchen writes, "The plot is actually not the worst I've seen, but it's close. The acting is not the worst I've seen either...but it's close. The production .... well, I can honestly say that it was the worst I had ever seen in my life!" Reviewer soggycow writes, "One of the things that makes this movie awful is the acting. Lisa Munson, who plays the main character, looks as though she is reading her lines off cue cards." And reviewer startide77 writes, "This film is without a doubt the most inept attempt at film making I've ever seen."

Of course, the film is not inept in any way. Read on for more details...

Monday, October 28, 2019

“Get Some Buckets!” - Honeymoon Horror (1982) - Film #158



Two of the most fertile time periods for underrated cinematic classics are the periods just before and just after the slasher movie boom initiated by Halloween (1978) and Friday the 13th (1980). Honeymoon Horror (1982) is a perfect example of a clever slasher film that is woefully disrespected by your universe's top critics.

Reviewer Zantara Xenophobe writes, "There are way too many dumb points to this movie to mention....Originally, I thought about giving this film a 2, but the more I thought about it, the more I hated it." Reviewer poolandrews writes, "On a technical level the film is generally very poor and a bit of an eyesore to watch." Reviewer trashgang writes, "The acting is sometimes as wooden as it can get." Please read on to understand the true terror of Honeymoon Horror...

Monday, October 21, 2019

"These Truculent Threats Are Just a Brazen Show!" - The Survivor (1998) - Film #157



It is time to tackle the follow-up to Terminal Force (1985) aka Galaxis, which is titled The Survivor (1998) aka Terminal Force II. The Survivor features Richard Moll's return as the villainous Kyla (possibly not the same character) in a classic of post-apocalyptic action and adventure.

Of course, not all critics in your universe revere this classic. Reviewer david-233 writes simply, "You have to avoid seeing it." Reviewer davis2000 writes, "This is a terrible movie in nearly every way....Do yourself a favor and look at an empty aquarium for 90 minutes instead." And reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "THE SURVIVOR is an oddball B-movie which appears to be a badly put-together mish-mash of other, better movies."

Continue reading to experience the post-apocalyptic adventure of The Survivor...

Monday, October 14, 2019

"The Soul of Our Culture, the Antithesis of Our Ways" - Terminal Force (1995) - Film #156


Let us to return to the never-ending well of excellent films that is the low-budget science fiction epic. It is time to discuss William Mesa's Terminal Force (1995) aka Galaxis, starring the inimitable Richard Moll and the slightly-more-imitable Brigitte Nielsen.

Some of your universe’s critics fail to appreciate epic science fiction adventure. Reviewer pchap writes, “A piece of poop really!....I also have to mention one scene where the directors tried their best to pull off the night club scene from Blade Runner. Looked more like the cafeteria scene from my local senior citizen's club.” Reviewer osloj writes, “This most [sic] be one of the most stupid movies I have ever seen.” And reviewer random451 writes, “There's not a single part of film making that this movie doesn't insult.”

Read on for an unbiased look at Terminal Force...

Monday, October 7, 2019

"I Might Be Sleeping Till the Year 2001" - Lurkers (1988) - Film #155


Let's turn to Roberta Findlay's Lurkers (1988), a film with echoes of earlier supernatural films such as Rosemary's Baby (1968) and The Sentinel (1977). Ms. Findlay, wife of the late Michael Findlay whose Shriek of the Mutilated (1974) is one of the finest classics of cinema ever made (Ms. Findlay served as cinematographer on that film), directed Lurkers near the end of her directing career, just before Prime Evil (1988).

Some critics in your universe are unmoved by Ms. Findlay's work. Reviewer david-345 writes, "Lurkers is without doubt, the worst film ever made. It's not a 'so bad it's good' deal but, 'so bad it truly is a worthless peice of complete and total garbage that wasted film stock that could have been used on worthier projects' type of film." Reviewer arfdawg-1 writes (with more than a little blatant sexism), "It's really poorly directed lending support to my theory that women cannot direct. The story is fragmented and boring." And reviewer Chase_Witherspoon writes, "Amateurish and undernourished, the acting is weak and the production values limited, resulting in a lethargic thriller that's heavy on symbolism but light on actual shocks."

Read on for a more realistic view of Ms. Findlay's Lurkers...

Monday, September 30, 2019

"Quite the Dick, Aren't You?" - Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) - Film # 154


After viewing Ted A. Bohus's special effects work in Mindkiller (1987), let us move on to a film produced by Mr. Bohus as a follow-up to The Deadly Spawn (1983), Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) (no relation to George Eastman's Metamorphosis, also released in 1990).

Some of your universe's critics are typically blind to the quality of this film. Reviewer vyl writes, "This movie is crap. How else can I put it? Its... beyond bad? This movie is the ultimate badness. It has all the elements of a sub-B-grade movie." Reviewer phantasmda writes, under the ridiculously hyperbolic title "Definitely the worst film ever made," "I can't say I have ever seen a horror movie quite this bad and I consider myself a fairly tolerant person. Some films are so poor that they become laughably enjoyable or mildly entertaining and then there's this, which is just downright painful." And reviewer papadeltazulu writes, "It really is an awful film, I borrowed this from a friend who told me how bad it was, so I thought I'd see for myself, hoping it was one of those so bad it's good flicks. Nope, it's just so bad it's really bad and I felt ripped off despite the fact I watched it for free."

Please read on to learn the truth...

Monday, September 23, 2019

"What Plane? And What's Dangerous?" - Flying Virus (2001) - Film #153


The themes of animals attacking man and nature attacking man always make for compelling cinema, so it is time to turn to the recent classic Flying Virus (2001) aka Killer Buzz, a modern killer bee movie/airplane disaster movie with a fantastic cast that includes Gabrielle Anwar, Rutger Hauer, David Naughton, Craig Sheffer, and Duncan Regehr. In addition to the cast, the film features international locales (Brazil, and the airspace above Brazil), adding to its classic status.

Some critics are not "on board" with Flying Virus's many charms. Reviewer klaseriksson79 writes, "This is the worst movie I've seen in a long while. The story wasn't exciting at all, the scenes inside the plane were terribly unrealistic." Reviewer bhsfacebook writes (both cleverly and uncharitably), "Terrible writing, worse acting, and gratuitous explosions make this a perfect swarm of awfulness. This may be the worst film Rutger Hauer ever made. That's saying something." And reviewer illusionbox writes, "It started bad and become only worse and worse....among the worst rubbish I've ever seen."

It is time to put things right and explain the many, many qualities of the modern classic Flying Virus. Please read on...

Monday, September 16, 2019

"I've Spent Most of My Life Looking for This Blood" - Project: Metalbeast (1995) - Film #152


Who among us has not contemplated attaining superpowers through the injection of werewolf blood and the application of synthetic metal skin? Fortunately, the Barry Bostwick vehicle (not to be confused, of course, with this Barry Bostwick vehicle) Project: Metalbeast is here to fulfill our hearts' desires.

Some of your universe's critics are unbelievably negative about this film. Reviewer frodave writes that "the movie is a downward spiral into the abyss of film making. What possible reasoning any producer, director, or writer could have for involving themselves in this disaster of a movie escapes me. I would like to get in contact with the filmmakers and request compensation for my time and brain cells wasted." Reviewer KizerSouza writes, "This movie is pure garbage. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue absurd, the plot asinine, and that's the good stuff!" And reviewer bhcesi writes long-windedly, "There are no words to describe the symphony of stupidity this movies presents to us, the audience. The cast was mediocre at best and their acting skills were the same. The storyline, at times, doesn't make any sense, and there are contradictions left and right. There are points made in the course of the movie that simply don't compute, and the ending was laughable."

Of course, now you must read on to experience the truth...

Monday, September 9, 2019

“Who’s to Know What’s Real and What Isn’t?” - The Legend of Spider Forest (1971) - Film #151



Let us turn to Peter Sykes's The Legend of Spider Forest (1971) aka Venom aka Spider's Venom. To get it out of the way, yes, there are spiders in this film, not to mention a forest, a lumber mill, and cows with flower wreaths on their heads. These qualities should tell you nearly all you need to know about the film's classic status.

Oddly, many of your universe's critics disagree that it is a classic. For example, reviewer manchester_england2004 (the best critics have places and times for names) writes, "The whole production has the feeling of everyone simply going through the motions....Overall, VENOM is a very boring film." Reviewer the_void, who mistakes Peter Sykes for Peter Sasdy, writes, "The film really does make little sense and while the fantasy elements of it might have lifted it out of the bottom of the barrel, they unfortunately don't." And reviewer platypuschow writes, "It all sounds fairly interesting but the delivery is awful, worse than I could actually put into words. Sure the cast are competent enough, but they can't save a movie with the writing quality of a Sharknado (2013) film."

Is platypuschow correct (as is so often the case)? No. Not at all. Read on for all the details...

Monday, September 2, 2019

"He's Playing a Different Game Than the Rest of Us. Over." - Shakma (1990) - Film #150


Who is the king of the animals-attack films? Of course, the only answer is Mr. Christopher Atkins, star of Beaks (1986) and the classic we are discussing today, Shakma (1990). Director Hugh Parks's film combines the timely elements of live action role playing games, animal vivisection, and Roddy McDowall to create a claustrophobic suspense film that makes audiences redefine their relationship with baboons.

Oddly, not all of your universe's critics are in love with Shakma. For example, reviewer dancor writes poetically, under the headline "An all time low in film making, even for a B movie," "Camera work is like a Kentucky chicken farm home-movie about Fido, the family basset hound, who celebrated his 5th birthday, and got a bite from the prise winning rooster, filmed with a VHS-C camera." Reviewer SpiderPants calls the movie an "idiotic monstrosity of a film." And reviewer Varboro writes with impeccable logic, "Maybe it was necessary to make a movie about a killer baboon...but there is no need to watch it."

Read on for an unbiased look at the terrors of medical research on baboons...