Monday, October 14, 2019

"The Soul of Our Culture, the Antithesis of Our Ways" - Terminal Force (1995) - Film #156


Let us to return to the never-ending well of excellent films that is the low-budget science fiction epic. It is time to discuss William Mesa's Terminal Force (1995) aka Galaxis, starring the inimitable Richard Moll and the slightly-more-imitable Brigitte Nielsen.

Some of your universe’s critics fail to appreciate epic science fiction adventure. Reviewer pchap writes, “A piece of poop really!....I also have to mention one scene where the directors tried their best to pull off the night club scene from Blade Runner. Looked more like the cafeteria scene from my local senior citizen's club.” Reviewer osloj writes, “This most [sic] be one of the most stupid movies I have ever seen.” And reviewer random451 writes, “There's not a single part of film making that this movie doesn't insult.”

Read on for an unbiased look at Terminal Force...

Monday, October 7, 2019

"I Might Be Sleeping Till the Year 2001" - Lurkers (1988) - Film #155


Let's turn to Roberta Findlay's Lurkers (1988), a film with echoes of earlier supernatural films such as Rosemary's Baby (1968) and The Sentinel (1977). Ms. Findlay, wife of the late Michael Findlay whose Shriek of the Mutilated (1974) is one of the finest classics of cinema ever made (Ms. Findlay served as cinematographer on that film), directed Lurkers near the end of her directing career, just before Prime Evil (1988).

Some critics in your universe are unmoved by Ms. Findlay's work. Reviewer david-345 writes, "Lurkers is without doubt, the worst film ever made. It's not a 'so bad it's good' deal but, 'so bad it truly is a worthless peice of complete and total garbage that wasted film stock that could have been used on worthier projects' type of film." Reviewer arfdawg-1 writes (with more than a little blatant sexism), "It's really poorly directed lending support to my theory that women cannot direct. The story is fragmented and boring." And reviewer Chase_Witherspoon writes, "Amateurish and undernourished, the acting is weak and the production values limited, resulting in a lethargic thriller that's heavy on symbolism but light on actual shocks."

Read on for a more realistic view of Ms. Findlay's Lurkers...

Monday, September 30, 2019

"Quite the Dick, Aren't You?" - Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) - Film # 154


After viewing Ted A. Bohus's special effects work in Mindkiller (1987), let us move on to a film produced by Mr. Bohus as a follow-up to The Deadly Spawn (1983), Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) (no relation to George Eastman's Metamorphosis, also released in 1990).

Some of your universe's critics are typically blind to the quality of this film. Reviewer vyl writes, "This movie is crap. How else can I put it? Its... beyond bad? This movie is the ultimate badness. It has all the elements of a sub-B-grade movie." Reviewer phantasmda writes, under the ridiculously hyperbolic title "Definitely the worst film ever made," "I can't say I have ever seen a horror movie quite this bad and I consider myself a fairly tolerant person. Some films are so poor that they become laughably enjoyable or mildly entertaining and then there's this, which is just downright painful." And reviewer papadeltazulu writes, "It really is an awful film, I borrowed this from a friend who told me how bad it was, so I thought I'd see for myself, hoping it was one of those so bad it's good flicks. Nope, it's just so bad it's really bad and I felt ripped off despite the fact I watched it for free."

Please read on to learn the truth...

Monday, September 23, 2019

"What Plane? And What's Dangerous?" - Flying Virus (2001) - Film #153


The themes of animals attacking man and nature attacking man always make for compelling cinema, so it is time to turn to the recent classic Flying Virus (2001) aka Killer Buzz, a modern killer bee movie/airplane disaster movie with a fantastic cast that includes Gabrielle Anwar, Rutger Hauer, David Naughton, Craig Sheffer, and Duncan Regehr. In addition to the cast, the film features international locales (Brazil, and the airspace above Brazil), adding to its classic status.

Some critics are not "on board" with Flying Virus's many charms. Reviewer klaseriksson79 writes, "This is the worst movie I've seen in a long while. The story wasn't exciting at all, the scenes inside the plane were terribly unrealistic." Reviewer bhsfacebook writes (both cleverly and uncharitably), "Terrible writing, worse acting, and gratuitous explosions make this a perfect swarm of awfulness. This may be the worst film Rutger Hauer ever made. That's saying something." And reviewer illusionbox writes, "It started bad and become only worse and worse....among the worst rubbish I've ever seen."

It is time to put things right and explain the many, many qualities of the modern classic Flying Virus. Please read on...

Monday, September 16, 2019

"I've Spent Most of My Life Looking for This Blood" - Project: Metalbeast (1995) - Film #152


Who among us has not contemplated attaining superpowers through the injection of werewolf blood and the application of synthetic metal skin? Fortunately, the Barry Bostwick vehicle (not to be confused, of course, with this Barry Bostwick vehicle) Project: Metalbeast is here to fulfill our hearts' desires.

Some of your universe's critics are unbelievably negative about this film. Reviewer frodave writes that "the movie is a downward spiral into the abyss of film making. What possible reasoning any producer, director, or writer could have for involving themselves in this disaster of a movie escapes me. I would like to get in contact with the filmmakers and request compensation for my time and brain cells wasted." Reviewer KizerSouza writes, "This movie is pure garbage. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue absurd, the plot asinine, and that's the good stuff!" And reviewer bhcesi writes long-windedly, "There are no words to describe the symphony of stupidity this movies presents to us, the audience. The cast was mediocre at best and their acting skills were the same. The storyline, at times, doesn't make any sense, and there are contradictions left and right. There are points made in the course of the movie that simply don't compute, and the ending was laughable."

Of course, now you must read on to experience the truth...

Monday, September 9, 2019

“Who’s to Know What’s Real and What Isn’t?” - The Legend of Spider Forest (1971) - Film #151



Let us turn to Peter Sykes's The Legend of Spider Forest (1971) aka Venom aka Spider's Venom. To get it out of the way, yes, there are spiders in this film, not to mention a forest, a lumber mill, and cows with flower wreaths on their heads. These qualities should tell you nearly all you need to know about the film's classic status.

Oddly, many of your universe's critics disagree that it is a classic. For example, reviewer manchester_england2004 (the best critics have places and times for names) writes, "The whole production has the feeling of everyone simply going through the motions....Overall, VENOM is a very boring film." Reviewer the_void, who mistakes Peter Sykes for Peter Sasdy, writes, "The film really does make little sense and while the fantasy elements of it might have lifted it out of the bottom of the barrel, they unfortunately don't." And reviewer platypuschow writes, "It all sounds fairly interesting but the delivery is awful, worse than I could actually put into words. Sure the cast are competent enough, but they can't save a movie with the writing quality of a Sharknado (2013) film."

Is platypuschow correct (as is so often the case)? No. Not at all. Read on for all the details...

Monday, September 2, 2019

"He's Playing a Different Game Than the Rest of Us. Over." - Shakma (1990) - Film #150


Who is the king of the animals-attack films? Of course, the only answer is Mr. Christopher Atkins, star of Beaks (1986) and the classic we are discussing today, Shakma (1990). Director Hugh Parks's film combines the timely elements of live action role playing games, animal vivisection, and Roddy McDowall to create a claustrophobic suspense film that makes audiences redefine their relationship with baboons.

Oddly, not all of your universe's critics are in love with Shakma. For example, reviewer dancor writes poetically, under the headline "An all time low in film making, even for a B movie," "Camera work is like a Kentucky chicken farm home-movie about Fido, the family basset hound, who celebrated his 5th birthday, and got a bite from the prise winning rooster, filmed with a VHS-C camera." Reviewer SpiderPants calls the movie an "idiotic monstrosity of a film." And reviewer Varboro writes with impeccable logic, "Maybe it was necessary to make a movie about a killer baboon...but there is no need to watch it."

Read on for an unbiased look at the terrors of medical research on baboons...

Monday, August 26, 2019

"The Hate of a Woman Can Be Very Bad" - Delirium (1987) - Film #149


It is time to return to the Italian giallo film (aka jello film) with Lamberto Bava's nudity-filled classic Delirium (1987), aka The Photo of Gioia.

Even though the film was directed by the acknowledged master Lamberto Bava (refer to Graveyard Disturbance, also 1987), critics in your universe are bafflingly unreceptive to the charms of Delirium. Reviewer plan9-149-959814 (whose name flows beautifully off the tongue) writes, "Maybe it was titillating back the pre-internet 80s, but by today's standards it's nothing special whatsoever." Reviewer lightcaster1 writes (under the headline "Worst Bava film ever!!!!"), "It is as terrible as it could be." (Utter nonsense!) And reviewer VincentElgar writes blasphemously, "Things are not helped by a truly appalling synth-based score by Simon Bosworth and some ludicrous makeup effects."

Let us dive into the film in more detail...

Monday, August 19, 2019

“You’ve Seen All Kinds of Dead Deer Before” - Bloodbeat (1981) - Film #148


As everyone knows, Wisconsin has always been a major center of film production that has produced a high proportion of classic films--and that is true just based on the output of Bill Rebane alone. Let us now look at the horror film Bloodbeat (1981) aka Blood Beat, directed by Fabrice Zaphiratos.

Oddly, even some of your universe's critics are immune to the charms of rural Wisconsin. Reviewer lthseldy1 writes, "I found this movie to be one of the most boring slow paced early 80's movies that I have ever seen." Reviewer BA_Harrison writes, "I haven't the faintest idea what writer/director Fabrice A. Zaphiratos was thinking when he made this oddball horror-very little about the film makes sense-and the result is definitely one of the strangest films of the '80s." And reviewer ThyDavideth writes, "The filmmakers should of laid off the crack, heroine, meth, angel dust, acid, horse tranquilizers and so forth while making this movie."

Read on for the truth about Bloodbeat, which amply maintains the quality level for which Wisconsin filmmaking is justly renowned...

Monday, August 12, 2019

"Third-Rate Actors Go Real Far in Politics" - Mindkiller (1987) - Film #147


It is time to assess Denver-based director Michael Kruger's Mindkiller (1987).

Reviewer FieCrier writes, "The movie is pretty uneventful until towards the end when the effects of the manuscript have really taken hold. It's not worth watching." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "Yep, this is another mindless (see what I did there?) time-waster, full of lamentable performances, a cheesy sex scene, and some amusing prosthetic gore effects." And reviewer Tikkin writes that the film is "even more boring than some of the worst 80's horror flicks!"

Please read on...

Monday, August 5, 2019

“Stampeded by Rubbernecks and Souvenir Hunters” - Giant from the Unknown (1958) - Film #146


At Senseless Cinema, we rarely examine films from before the mid to late 1960s (because, apparently, all movies before 1960 are either acknowledged classics or worthless). Let us delve back into those early days of cinema to discuss Richard E. Cunha's Giant from the Unknown (1958), in which a towering giant who is well over 6 feet tall comes back from the dead to inconvenience the residents of a small mountain town.

As always, some critics are shockingly unimpressed by Giant from the Unknown. Reviewer shugaron316 writes, "This is one of the most dreadfully bad of the 50's B flicks." Reviewer khunkrumark writes, "From the stolid (not in a good way) direction and the hackneyed script, to the multiple narrative failures of the plot, there must have been better ways for Astor Pictures to squander the $50,000 budget that was set aside for this turkey, right?" And reviewer Michael_Elliott writes confusingly, "The look of the monster really didn't impress me either nor did his little outfit." (Spoiler: His outfit is not little.)

Read on for a true picture of this misunderstood giant...