Monday, July 22, 2019

"These Things Happen When They Happen" - Night Claws (2012) - Film #144



Having explored the artistic wonders of Sledge Hammer (1983), Aerobi-Cide (1987), and Deadly Prey (1987), we shall now catch up with one of the later projects of prolific director David A. Prior, who tragically died in 2015. Night Claws (2012) is an example of one of the most revered film genres, the killer bigfoot movie (see also the classics Night of the Demon, Demonwarp, Curse of Bigfoot, and The Capture of Bigfoot).

Not all of your universe's critics appreciate the simplicity and suspense of Night Claws. For example, reviewer davannacarter writes, "It's clear everyone involved with this movie knew this movie would suck. And if you watch this movie, you'll know it's gonna suck within the first 10 minutes." Reviewer brian-royer-286-857305 writes, "The writing is awful. Everything else is pretty much awful too." And reviewer bear22771 writes, "I can safely say this is the worst film i have ever had the misfortune to watch, in fact it was that bad i had to turn it off an hour into it."

Please read on for a full appreciation of late-period David A. Prior...

Monday, July 15, 2019

“Shoot Our Breakfast to Us with a Cannon” - The Crater Lake Monster (1977)


While nearly all lake/swamp/bog monster movies are bona fide classics (see, for instance, Bog and Island of the Fishmen), one of them rises above the others. Of course, I am referring to stop motion enthusiast William R. Stromberg's only directorial effort, The Crater Lake Monster (1977).

Here are some examples of your universe's top critics' reactions to the film. The famed critic swedzin writes, eloquently if incorrectly, "...don't come near this film, it's bad, boring, lame, it doesn't apply to your mind, it just repel off your head. Nothing special happens… just boring, boring stuff." Even more famed critic callanvass writes, "This is one of the worst movies i have ever seen it's EXTREMELY boring with lots of boring dialog and has some VERY annoying characters and a laughable looking creature." And the still more famed critic MooCowMo writes, "The Crater Lake Monster is easily one of the most awful, amateurish film I've ever seen."

Needless to say (as I always say), these critics are quite mistaken. Please read on to experience the wonders of The Crater Lake Monster...

Monday, July 8, 2019

“Birds Invented Flying, Remember?” - Beaks (1986)


We have not delved into the classic filmography of Mexico's Rene Cardona, Jr. since we discussed one of his finest films, The Night of 1,000 Cats (1972). Let us jump ahead 14 years to 1986 and turn to Mr. Cardona, Jr.'s similarly animal-themed film Beaks, a jet-setting adventure of international proportions starring heartthrobs Christopher Atkins and Michelle Johnson.

Some of your universe's critics are characteristically uncharitable about Beaks (also known as Beaks: The Movie, Birds of Prey, and Evil Birds, not to mention The Birds 2: The Fear in Italy). Reviewer Evil-Dead-Girl writes, "The acting was worse than I've seen at an elementary school Christmas play- the script too, for that matter." Reviewer wes-connors writes, "There are some promising scenes, but the pace and editing are astonishingly bad - perhaps no editing was done, and Mr. Cardona tried to make a movie with the footage he had." And reviewer EdYerkeRobins writes, "The acting is bad, the deaths are gory and goofy at best (although I must admit the hawk tearing one guy's eye out is pretty funny), and the thin plot is worn out within the first 10 minutes of the film, and drags on and on and on to an ending that makes no sense."

Read on to properly appreciate Rene Cardona, Jr.'s Beaks...

Monday, July 1, 2019

"Near Denver? Are They Nuts?" - The Alpha Incident (1977)


Let's return to the collection of classics made by the prolific Wisconsin filmmaker Bill Rebane (see also Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake, 1975; The Capture of Bigfoot, 1979; The Game, 1984; and of course Blood Harvest, 1987). We will now discuss The Alpha Incident (1977), a politically savvy descent into science fiction horror that involves a Martian pathogen and a lonely train depot.

Shockingly, not all of your universe's critics see The Alpha Incident for the classic that it is. Reviewer dmj245 writes, a bit awkwardly, "I've seen high school plays that had more life and action by children with little or no talent, than what this movie expresses." Reviewer BobaFett_1138 writes, with a keen sense of spelling, "The story and the dialog are both awful! The premise is really ridicules and flawed and doesn't ever has enough suspense to it." And reviewer graduatedan writes, judgementally, "I 'm not sure if the director intended this film to be a character study or a thriller, but either way, The Alpha Incident fails miserably."

Read on for a truly objective discussion of The Alpha Incident, one of Bill Rebane's finest forays into science fiction...