Monday, June 19, 2017

"2,000 Years Is But a Sneeze" - Amok Train (1989)


We return to the work of producer/director Ovidio Assonitis (see Tentacles and The Visitor) with Amok Train, also known as Beyond the Door III and Death Train. Directed by cartoon writer Jeff Kwitny and produced by Assonitis, Amok Train is one of the finest cinematic depictions of a train going amok that has ever been created.

As usual with films of unique cinematic brilliance, your universe's critics, particularly those on IMDB for some reason, have little respect for Amok Train. Reviewer Justin Stokes writes, "This is a really bad movie with some truly lousy gore scenes....the effects are terrible, several of them using blatantly obvious dummy heads." (Clearly Mr. Stokes would prefer if the filmmakers had used real human heads.) Reviewer jet66 writes, "Magnificently incompetent on every level, this film features some truly absurd special effects, awkward and amateur acting, clumsy dialogue, and a very disjointed narrative." Reviewer leofwine_draca writes, "A largely unwatchable mess that alternates between crazy special effects, graphic gore, and unrelenting tedium."

No, these reviews are not correct. Read on for a clear picture of this masterwork.

Monday, June 12, 2017

"The Only Leaky Radiator I See Is Your Story" - Grotesque (1988)


It must be difficult as an actor to be known for one singular role in a motion picture hailed as a classic, and then to continue a career after that career high point. I am speaking, of course, about Linda Blair and her career high point, which as you can tell from the title of this post occurred in Joe Tornatore's Grotesque (1988).

Although Grotesque gets some recognition in your universe as the classic it is, some reviewers are, to put it bluntly, unkind. Reviewer moonspinner55 on IMDB writes, "Rarely have I seen such a sick, twisted piece of sludge." Reviewer lobelia-1, also on IMDB, writes, "some of the worst dialogue ever scribbled on scraps of paper in the bathroom." Mister-6 writes about the film, "You want a really bad movie? A really REALLY bad movie? One so bad that it'll make you trash your TV, gouge out your eyes with a rusty spoon and dive off the closest pier? Here you go."

I do not have to tell you how misguided these reviews are, but I will. These reviews are very misguided.

Monday, June 5, 2017

"An Unusual History Which Dates Back to His Childhood" - Hollowgate (1988)


Everybody likes a good slasher film, but it takes something special to elevate a slasher film to the realm of the truly great. Hollowgate (1988) is elevated by the brilliant and original concept of centering its kills around Halloween tropes, and by the powerfully quirky performance of its leading man.

Not everybody in your universe appreciates such originality, however. On IMDB, review sgtking says that the film was made by people "who obviously know nothing about making a good Horror film, or a good film in general." Similarly, reviewer HumanoidOfFlesh on IMDB writes, "This one is easily one of the worst horror films I have ever seen.... The storyline is so dumb, that you'll just shake your head in complete disbelief at some of the things these teenagers do. The acting is awful and there is no suspense whatsoever." Tom Damon, also on IMDB, writes, "Hollow Gate is so unoriginal, so cheap and shoddily produced, so very badly acted, and so dark at times, that it will come across as a complete and utter waste of time."

I must clearly and definitively show you why these reviews are obviously and blatantly incorrect. Thus, I will describe the film to you in great detail so you can see how brilliant and original it truly is.